My sister Cindy has a job caring for a man with dementia. As I know well, this can be an overwhelming and consuming responsibility. Here was her text to me:

“Mary, I need advice. Taking care of D. is draining me. I didn’t go to the temple all week. I’d leave his house, and I had nothing left. He wants to be with me constantly. When I’m cooking his food, he stands right next to me, and I have to move away. He asks me what he should do about everything. It’s exhausting.”

After some pondering, because I do know firsthand what this is like, here was my response: “No matter what our current mission, we can survive and even thrive, but we must revive.”

Watching over others truly is a mission, whether it’s caring for an elderly person with dementia, several toddlers, a house full of teens, or navigating a work environment. When we take on the task of teaching, guiding, nurturing, loving, and serving others, it’s a mission, and an important one that impacts the world beyond the walls of our home. But caring for and interacting with others can be challenging.

Most of the time, I take Mom on errands with me when I would rather be alone. She loves riding in the car, even though she can’t recall going five minutes after we return home. But in the moment, she’s satisfied and happy. The challenge is that every few minutes she asks the same question: “What town is this?” or makes the same observations: “Isn’t it interesting what people do to their yards?” or “Aren’t the mountains beautiful?”

Those of you raising children know exactly what I’m talking about: Mom, I can’t find my shoes. Where are my Legos? Can I have a snack? Why can’t Jimmy come over? And so it goes. Or the opposite, wondering if your teens will ever talk to you and let you know how they’re doing and what they’re doing. It can be exhausting. And what about maintaining peace at work when someone is having a hard day?

My mother sits quietly in her room much of the time, often sitting with her eyes closed or her head in her hands. This requires that I help her engage in some way. It can take as little as saying, “Mom, crochet,” or as much as walking her outside for a while.  My husband Don requires frequent care as well. But if I look, I can find time to rest. But do I?

You, as mothers, know what this is like too. Your littles are busy playing for 30 minutes without fighting, or running around the backyard having fun. Your teens might be napping or off with friends. There is a lull at work. Often in these less hectic moments, instead of resting and being still, we do what needs to be done: dinner prep, laundry, finally getting to the disgusting bathroom, and so forth. Even though we aren’t wrangling kids or others, we are still busy working and keeping an ear out.

Thursday at 8 am, after being on the go since 6:15, I finally knelt to pray. Just as I was finishing, I heard Don calling from the living room. His feet, which were soaking in a special water bath, were done, and he needed help — no time to continue kneeling quietly and listening. No woman I know is immune from these types of interruptions.

So how do we manage? How do we stay calm, feel peace, and be happy despite what life really is? We have to find ways to revive, and for most of us in this season of life, they need to be simple, manageable, and only use small moments of time.

What Fills You Up

Over the years, ideas have come to my mind, some still useful and others that fell by the wayside and were replaced. It’s been a process, not a one-time thing. Here is what I currently do to center myself, reduce stress, find reasons to smile, and feel calm and happy.

Singing. Each evening I sit in the bathroom, my bedroom, or go outside and sing. I love singing. I do it with vim and vigor and never worry about who might hear. It’s wonderful and rejuvenating.

Reading in stolen moments. I always have a book in my bathroom. I visit this room several times a day, and at each visit I read at least one paragraph, sometimes half a page. I love reading; it feels fun, and fun is always restorative.

Getting up early. Although I resisted the impression for several years, I now get up at 6 to 6:30 am. I have found that I can have at least thirty minutes to an hour by myself before another voice is heard. No questions, no needs to fill.

A morning routine that says, “I matter.” Early in the morning, I have a routine that sets me up for the day. I pray, take my nutrition, and get dressed. I put on a small amount of powdered blush and lipstick and give myself a spritz of a perfume I love. I hadn’t done either in years, but when I began this year, it wasn’t for anyone else but me. They are simply small ways of saying, “Mary, I love you.” It’s amazing what tiny acts of self-care can do for the soul. I write three things in my gratitude journal and read my daily affirmations. Focusing on gratitude and reminding myself of who I am matters deeply as the day revs up, the frustrations increase, and the weariness sets in.

Friends who really know me. I have several friends I connect with regularly. I have lunch with one every three months. We live far apart, drive quite a way to meet in the middle, and want to make it special. I schedule calls with others once a month to once every three months. I had one of these calls last week and another this week. What a gift and a relief. I can share hard things. They listen, have good ideas, and we laugh a lot. It’s deeply restorative.

My nightly shower. I shower most nights. I pray for someone else, then feel the water, enjoy the silence, and let the day go. It’s something I have done since I was sixteen and has never lost its power to soothe my soul, return me to calm, and center me as a daughter of God.

My next-day worksheet. Each evening I write down whatever is cluttering my mind on my next-day worksheet. Someone asked me recently if I wake up at night thinking about all the appointments, doctors, and problems coming up. I was able to say, honestly, never. It’s all on a sheet waiting for me in the morning, and I am free to relax and sleep.

Listening and responding. All day long, thoughts come to my mind: that wasn’t okay, try this instead, stop and finish tomorrow, sit down, you’re a silly woman so smile. I believe these thoughts come from God because I am loved and need the help. Following them has made an enormous difference.

None of these things are managed perfectly. I may miss a shower because it’s just too late. I may not read every time I visit the bathroom because someone is calling for me. Not everything in my morning routine gets done every day. But I manage well enough, and that’s why I’ve been able to do what I’m doing for nine years without falling apart.

Look Back to Find What You’ve Lost

My granddaughter Lizzy is a painter and does wonderfully creative work. She has had her paintings in several shows. Recently, she lamented in a Facebook post that she hasn’t painted a single stroke since her daughter Ila was born several months ago. I could relate.

I used to sing constantly, the songs my mother sang from the 1940s and the music I grew up with in the 50s and 60s. I sang while gardening, cleaning, and caring for my kids. When I wasn’t singing, I played music. Then somewhere in the busyness of caring for my mother and Don, I stopped. No music at all. As I have shared, I finally began singing again in the last year and a half, nudged back to it by a quiet thought I believe came from God.

Since writing my recent article on stillness and making space for yourself, I’ve begun playing music again, the music I grew up with and sang as a busy mother of seven. I have found it exhilarating. I hadn’t realized how much I missed something I had quietly let go.

As you look for what rejuvenates you, think back. What did you love and let go of in the busyness of parenting, working, grandparenting? What might still be waiting for you to return to it?

Your Two Mites

As I wrote about recently, the widow’s mite teaches us that what we give from the heart, even when it feels small, is enough. My list will not work for everyone. I am an Upholder with a busy and energetic nature, so this approach works for me. You will need to determine what works for you. Then make a list. Be clear in your own mind about how you’re going to revive each day, regardless of your energy and temperament. A written list of your ideas can show you whether you’re on track or whether some honest pondering is needed.

We all bring what we have. Some days it’s more, and some days it’s two small mites. But given consistently and from the heart, it’s enough for those we serve and for ourselves.

We can survive and even thrive, but we must find ways to revive.

My sister Cindy has a job caring for a man with dementia. As I know well, this can be an overwhelming and consuming responsibility. Here was her text to me:

“Mary, I need advice. Taking care of D. is draining me. I didn’t go to the temple all week. I’d leave his house, and I had nothing left. He wants to be with me constantly. When I’m cooking his food, he stands right next to me, and I have to move away. He asks me what he should do about everything. It’s exhausting.”

After some pondering, because I do know firsthand what this is like, here was my response: “No matter what our current mission, we can survive and even thrive, but we must revive.”

Today I will be sharing some real-life examples of how to survive caring for and interacting with others: the elderly, kids, teens, and those we work with. It can be challenging unless we have ways to revive after hectic days. Join me and begin to thrive!

Check out this episode!

When you’re engaged in a project, what matters to you? For many adults, it’s the outcome.

When children are engaged in a project, what matters to them? For the most part, it’s the process.

There is real value in stepping back and allowing our children to create without worrying about the outcome. 

Any time we foster the skills of creation, thinking, and problem-solving, we are helping our children on the path to becoming capable, confident adults.

Join me as I share some stellar examples of what stepping back from the outcome looks like and how it can bless the children in your life. 

Check out this episode!

When I moved from Montana to Utah in my late 50s, something stopped me in my tracks. The realization that I was responsible for my responses, no matter the circumstances or the people involved. This hit me hard. I couldn’t blame others for how I felt! I was mad and honestly didn’t want it to be true. But I am a learner, and the thought wouldn’t leave.

As I learned and accepted the truth of this statement, my life began to change. I wanted that same growth for my children. Join me as I share my 29-year-old son Andrew’s experience. It is enlightening and fun. Especially the part about the drunken snails. : ) 

Check out this episode!

I had a deep, interesting, and moving conversation about learning to slow down and being still with a friend, Melissa. 

This is something I’ve been tutored in for over a decade, but it still isn’t a habit for me. I’m a mover, shaker, and finisher. Stopping and stillness are not part of my natural energy.

Join me as I share what my tutoring has looked like, how it has gone, and the challenges and blessings of working on stillness. It has been enlightening.

Check out this episode!

When my daughter Marie’s children were young, I wanted to stay connected between visits. We only saw each other a couple of times a year, and I wanted more than that. While working on a presentation about the Spark Station, the idea came to me: why not write Spark Station Letters?

The idea was simple. I would write letters to my grandchildren sharing something that interested me — a word, a historical figure, a current event, a family story. Something that might spark a conversation in their home and keep us woven into each other’s lives.

It worked beautifully. Marie told me the kids were all ears when she read the letters aloud. They’d re-read them on car trips. She saved each one in a separate book for each child. She also mentioned that I was frequently sharing values and teaching life lessons — which I hadn’t even realized I was doing.

A Spark Station Letter doesn’t require much. Pick a topic that genuinely interests you, tie it to the child’s life when you can, share what it means to you personally, and write to the child’s age and interests. A letter to a five-year-old might be half a page. A letter to a teenager can go longer. Research if you need to — I usually limited myself to fifteen or thirty minutes of preparation. The letters don’t have to be long. They have to be real.

Here’s a sampling of letters I sent over the years. They show the range of topics, the values woven in, and how personal a letter can feel — even across the miles.

What Is an Onomatopoeia?

To Lizzy, age 5 – My twenty-year-old, Kate, had introduced me to the word during a conversation in the kitchen. We had fun coming up with examples, and I thought Lizzy would love it too.

Dear Lizzy,
Do you like words? Well, I do. I like knowing what words mean and how to spell them. You are just learning to write and spell, and I am excited for you because reading and writing are so fun.

I learned a new word recently. Your Aunt Kate told me about it. It was onomatopoeia. Whew, that is a big word! It is pronounced on-uh-mat-uh-pee-uh. An onomatopoeia is a word that sounds like what it describes. The buzz of a bee — isn’t that the sound they actually make! The hiss of a snake. The tinkle of a bell. Or the sound of a chickadee — that is actually what they say, chickadee. Funny, huh! You and your sisters can come up with some more.

Words are fun, and I hope that you will let me know all the onomatopoeias you can find. Keep reading. Keep writing. And for goodness ‘ sake, write to me!
Love, Grandma

Two months after I sent that letter, twenty-year-old Kate went to visit Marie. When she arrived, five-year-old Lizzy announced, “I know what onomatopoeia means!” and gave examples. The seven-year-old proudly added, “But I know how to spell it!” That’s what a Spark Station Letter can do.

Proverbs and Genealogy

To Ashley, age 10 – I was taking a family history class and had just found eighteen relatives at the Salt Lake City genealogy library. I wanted to share that excitement — and teach something along the way.

Dear Ashley,
I’ve been taking a fun class called Family History. It’s all about finding your old grandmas and grandpas, uncles and aunts, and people like that. After two classes, I went to the big genealogy library in Salt Lake City and found eighteen relatives. When I got home, grandpa and I found another one.

I was thinking about my grandma today. She would be your great, great-grandma. Her name was Rozelia Wolfley Cazier. She used to say, “A stitch in time saves nine.” Do you know what that means? When I was your age, I couldn’t figure it out. Now I know that if something is torn and you fix it right away, it takes fewer stitches than if you wait until the hole gets bigger.

This is called a proverb. There is a whole book in the Bible called Proverbs, and there are many sayings like this one in it. A proverb is an old, familiar saying handed down over many years. When you hear a proverb, it is a bit like hearing advice from an ancestor.

Here is a proverbs game for you. See if you can figure out what these mean, then send me what you think:
1. The grass is always greener on the other side.
2. Haste makes waste.
3. If the shoe fits, wear it.
4. A fool and his money are soon parted.

I hope you share these with your family and work together to figure them out. Ask your mom if there are any proverbs your family always says. I always say, “Better late than never.” My grandpa always said, “Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face” — he’d say it when I was mad at someone and wanted to get back at them. It means don’t take an action in anger that will hurt you more than the person you’re mad at.

I love you to the moon and back.
Love, Grandma

The US Census

To Aubrey, age 10 – One year, I helped gather the census in Utah. It was a topic worth sharing.

Dear Aubrey,
I am working a few hours a day for the US Census to help pay for Aunt Kate’s wedding.
The census has been taken every ten years since 1790. The word for “every ten years” is decennial. The Constitution requires a population count so Congress can decide how many representatives each state gets. Some states have more than others because more people live there. That helps people have an equal say in government. Utah could have had another representative in Congress if it had just 800 more people counted ten years ago. The census matters!

Now, the census office is open all the time and costs a lot of money, which bugs some people. And some people don’t want to answer all the questions because they don’t trust the government. All the houses I went to were willing to give me the information, except one. Even though he didn’t trust the government and wouldn’t answer my questions, he was very nice about it.

The census information is also used in genealogy. You can look at old census records and find your relatives that way. The information I am collecting this year won’t be made public for 72 years, so I will never be able to use it for genealogy, and you will have to live to be 82 to use it!

I love you and hope school is going well.
Love, Grandma

Slavery and Freedom

To Lizzy, age 8 – Kate had to read a book for school about a slave girl in America. I read it too and wrote to Lizzy about it — connecting it to a local caucus night I had just attended for the first time.

Hi Lizzy,
Kate had to read a book for school about a slave girl in America, and I read it too. It was a very sad book. It is a terrible thing when families are broken up and people have their agency taken away. Sometimes I forget what a gift it is to be able to choose where to live, what work to do, where to travel, and whether to get married and have a family. Slaves couldn’t do any of those things. If people didn’t like you and wanted to treat you badly, they could, and you couldn’t do anything about it. One of the worst things was that you couldn’t protect your children. If the master wanted to sell your babies away, he could, and many times they did.

The girl I read about hid in a crawl space for over seven years just to be free. There was no heat in the winter, no air conditioning in the summer, and she could never stand up. Wow. She really wanted to be free.

That is why it is so important to vote. Last Tuesday was Caucus night. I had never attended a caucus before, but I went this year. People said they saw more people there than they had in many years — they were worried about their freedoms. When you are old enough, be sure to register and never miss an election. So many people have been willing to fight and die for that freedom.
Love, Grandma

Cherokee Indians

To Ashley, age 11 – There is an old story in our family about a great, great, great-grandfather who married a Cherokee princess. No record of it exists — just a family legend. But it gave me a wonderful reason to write.

Dear Ashley,
I’ve been doing genealogy, and there is an old story in our family about someone who married an Indian princess from the Cherokee Nation. There is no record of it, just a family legend — but I think it would be wonderful if it were true.

The Cherokee were farmers and hunters who lived in the mountains of the southeast United States. They were called one of the “Five Civilized Tribes” because they had adopted so many of the settlers’ ways. They had developed a written language, a government, and a newspaper. They helped fight in the War of 1812 and had the Bible translated into their language.

None of that mattered to the government, which said they had to give up their lands and move to Arkansas. Many fought against it. Then there was a gold rush in Georgia — the first gold rush in the United States — and the settlers were determined to have those lands. President Martin Van Buren ordered the militia to drive the people out. The exodus of over 800 miles is called “The Trail of Tears” because it was so terrible. Over 4,000 people died.

Doesn’t that remind you of the Mormon Pioneers, expelled from Nauvoo in the middle of winter and made to march so far in the snow? They too had to give up all their lands. But they held on.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the legend were true, and we carried some Cherokee blood?
Love, Grandma

(P.S. to my readers — Several years ago, I did DNA testing. No Native American bloodlines. The story was truly a legend. Sad.)

Nelson Mandela

To Kane, age 13- Kane had recently discovered how wonderful reading was, and I wanted to share something big with him.

Dear Kane,
Last night, grandpa and I went to see a movie called “Invictus.” I hope you will see it. I think when we come face to face with greatness, we become greater ourselves.

When I was fourteen, there was much trouble in South Africa, and Mandela was sent to prison. I heard about it but didn’t think much of it. Since then, I have heard about him over and over. He spent 27 years in prison and was released in 1990 — before you were even born.

Mandela was an anti-apartheid activist. Apartheid was a system of legal racial segregation in South Africa that gave minority white rule and curtailed the rights of the majority Black population. Education, medical care, and public services were all segregated. There was a great deal of unrest and violence. It was frightening even to read about as a girl.

After 27 years in prison, you might think Mandela would want revenge. He didn’t. Like George Washington, he wanted his country to have peace — to become strong and united. He put away his own grief and loss and worked toward that. He used rugby to bring about an extraordinary change. I don’t want to spoil the movie; it was so good.

Victor Frankl was a Jewish doctor who survived a concentration camp and wrote a book called “Man’s Search for Meaning.” One of the most powerful ideas I have ever embraced came from that book: no one can take away how you choose to respond. They can take everything else — your food, your home, your dignity, your freedom — but they cannot take that. That is what Mandela did. They had taken everything from him. But when all was said and done, he chose how to act.

Email and tell me what you are reading.
Love, Grandma

A Commonplace Book

To Kane, age 14 – Kane had been reading voraciously, and I wanted to share my own love of learning — and teach him a tool for remembering what he read.

Dear Kane,
Do you know who George Wythe was? He signed the Declaration of Independence and was America’s first law professor. But his greatest legacy was mentoring: two presidents, two Supreme Court justices, over twenty senators, governors, and judges. One of his students was Thomas Jefferson.

How did he do it? He asked Jefferson what he wanted to learn, helped him build a course of study, and then had him read, write, and discuss. Jefferson taught himself — with a mentor and the great books — and became one of the most educated men in American history. When President Kennedy hosted a group of Nobel Prize winners, he said, “This is the most extraordinary collection of talent and human knowledge ever gathered at the White House — with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.” I love that quote.

Jefferson kept what he called a Commonplace Book — a journal of what he studied and learned each day. I was thinking about the wonderful books you’ve been reading and thought you might like to keep one, too. Write a bit about what you read, and your thoughts about it. This practice helps you really learn and remember.

I have two mentors myself — one helps me think more deeply, the other helps me stay on track with major projects. They both assign me books to read. I’m reading about six books at once right now. When I complained to one of them that I wasn’t getting enough out of my reading, she said flatly, “It’s because you aren’t doing any work to remember. You just read.” She was right. Now I keep a Commonplace Book of my own — and I am learning and remembering so much more.

Let me know how you like the books I sent you. I’d especially like your thoughts on The Giver.
Love, Grandma

These letters span several years and different ages, simple topics and complex ones, silly words and serious history. What they share is this: they kept me in front of my grandchildren and them in front of me. They passed on values I didn’t even realize I was teaching. They sparked conversations in homes I couldn’t be present in.

You don’t have to be a grandparent to write a Spark Station Letter. Any adult who loves a child — an aunt, an uncle, a family friend, a mentor — can use them. All it takes is something that interests you and a child you want to stay connected to.

Get connected. Share your Sparks.

P.S. for my readers – So you know, most of these letters have been shortened. Several were quite a bit longer, but I need to make the article readable. : )

When my daughter Marie’s children were young, I wanted to stay connected between visits. We only saw each other a couple of times a year, and I wanted more than that. While working on a presentation about the Spark Station, the idea came to me: why not write Spark Station Letters?

The idea was simple. I would write letters to my grandchildren sharing something that interested me — a word, a historical figure, a current event, a family story. Something that might spark a conversation in their home and keep us woven into each other’s lives.

It worked beautifully. Marie told me the kids were all ears when she read the letters aloud. They’d re-read them on car trips. She saved each one in a separate book for each child. She also mentioned that I was frequently sharing values and teaching life lessons — which I hadn’t even realized I was doing.

Today, I will share some sample letters I wrote to children I loved and show you how you can do the same. 

Check out this episode!