Seven years ago, Jodie and her family moved from Kearns, UT. to West Point, UT. We were living with them, helping with Maggie and the other children. Living in a home with kids was assisting Don with his health challenges. It was a win-win situation.
Eventually, we needed a home that was more handicap accessible. Don found the house in West Point and when Jodie looked at it, she could see how good it would be for us. However, many things needed to be upgraded. That was daunting to think about.
We all Live in Imperfect Homes
On the south side of the house, behind the garage, was a family room, a huge storage room, a small bathroom with a shower, and two bedrooms. This was to become our part of the home. We had to tear down the storage room for a kitchen. That meant purchasing, staining, and installing floors, cupboards, counters, the works. Whew, that took a few months to complete. We couldn’t have done it alone, but we were fortunate to receive help from our church, neighbors, and friends.
Jodie’s home needed new flooring as what was currently in the house, tile and grout, wasn’t wheelchair
friendly. She had a ton of painting to do. We spent much time pondering what needed to be done, getting the materials together, calling for reinforcements, and then doing the work.
We have been in this home for seven years now. We haven’t finished everything. Why? Because of time, resources, energy, and desire. I am confident that in time, we will finish everything but for now, what isn’t done doesn’t seem vital to our enjoyment of the home.
In my part of the house, we have yet to finish the transition molding in the doorways of each room. It will require a tool and some skills we don’t have yet. We will need help.
The wall behind my sink and stove is still only painted sheetrock. I need to put in a backsplash. I think about it now and then and may take the time to do it next summer. This summer I have a couple of other big projects that seem more vital.
Jodie’s home is, for the most part, finished. However, two
summers ago we realized she had to revamp the entire bathroom to accommodate a growing daughter with a larger wheelchair. We needed an unconventional shower that would accommodate regular feet and legs, as well as a wheelchair. We also needed a lift to get Maggie into and out of the tub safely if she wanted a bath.
Despite spending so much time renovating when we first moved in, we found ourselves in that place again, for over a year. All eight of us were using one small bathroom with its tiny shower. With graciousness we made it work.
We all live in imperfect homes. When we have unfinished business in our homes, we don’t stop enjoying and valuing them. When we discover that we need to make another renovation we don’t despair and beat ourselves up because we should have thought of that up front. Instead, we ponder what needs to be done, plan, and then do the work. If we need help, we call in reinforcements.
Our Inner Home is Never Done
It is the same with our inner house. There is always work to do. Things are marred, chipped, unfinished. There may be a hole here or there, but we shouldn’t stop enjoying ourselves and celebrating what is good about us because all our refinement isn’t done. We should instead do what we do in our homes. We fix and mend as we can. We ask for help. We do the work and down the road we might need to do more. This is how we heal, a bit here and a bit there as we remember, find resources, get help, and are willing to do the work.
I came into my parenting life with a boatload of stuff! In my forties, I remembered my childhood sexual abuse. That was devastating and took some years to unravel and heal, but I did it. I had been given numerous stories from my parents, who lived through the depression, that didn’t serve me in my life. It took a few decades to ferret them out and rewrite them. My parents came from a time when children were seen and not heard. You did what you were told, no complaints. I parented in this fashion for years. But eventually, I saw the holes in my walls and did the work to repair that part of my inner house.
Our Bag of Stuff Has Value!
Did my children suffer because my inner home needed significant renovation? YES! But remember what I have said in the past: I believe each person brings to their parenting a large bag of stuff they’ve accumulated along the road to becoming an adult – fears, prejudices, stories, and ideas inherited from the adults in their lives. I believe we have our bag of stuff because, like it or not, it’s the act of emptying it out that helps us become who we were meant to be.
I have spent the last few decades watching my children do what I did, remodel and clean their inner houses. They are doing a good job. I know they suffered while I did my renovation, but because I did renovate, that example has helped them do the same.
I Could Because You Did It First
One day when I was in my 60’s I was talking with one of my daughters. Because I couldn’t remember my sexual abuse but needed to remain safe from it, I wasn’t able to see red flags. She and several of her siblings suffered the same fate. She was in the final stage of healing and was sharing it with me. She was only in her thirties. I didn’t even know there was an issue until I was in my late forties.
I said, “I am so amazed that you have been able to work this out so early. I wish I had been like you and maybe you wouldn’t have suffered.” I was weeping. She responded with, “Mom, I was able to come to this so early because you had already done it. Your example made it possible.” I felt relief. She was right. I had shown my children a lifetime of growth, inner house renovation, not shying away from what was hard, and never giving up on dreams.
A Repairer of the Breach, a Restorer of Paths to Dwell In
An article I read to Don and my mother, reminded me that life is about opposition, and as we make choices, both good and bad, we grow. This isn’t always easy or pleasant, but whether we are coming back from a bad decision or making a good one, we are learning. They are two sides of the same coin.
Years ago, while still living in MT., with a bag of stuff and few resources, I read a verse of scripture from the Christian Bible. It spoke to my heart, and I knew this was my mission. This verse written millennia ago was written for me. It set me on the path I have lived since then, to be like a watered garden, to repair the breach, and create a path to dwell in.
11 And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
12 And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in. Isaiah 58: 11-12
So, take heart. Your children’s success as human beings isn’t dependent on baggage-free, perfect parenting. It is dependent on your example of fearless growth as you remodel your inner house. They will do the same.
Be a pathmaker for your children. Bravely face yourself, ponder how your way of being could be better, and then change what needs to be changed. Make a plan and begin with one step. Find the resources you need. Ask for help and then do the work.
