Category: Family Culture

Touchpoints For Summer PRESENCE

As much as we love summer and our kids both can challenge our patience and our energy. My new book – Becoming a Present Parent: Connecting with your children in five minutes or less teaches you how to use touchpoints to connect with your kids. What is a touchpoint – the point at which one person feels seen and heard by another person; when they know they matter. Most touchpoints, there are eight of them, happen daily and many require five minutes or less. Let me share one touchpoint that will really sweeten the summer pie!

TOUCHPOINT 4 – Chores and Family Work

Thinking about the word WORK can make a parent groan inside because work is often a point of contention in a family. But work can be a place where we create a touchpoint rather than a point of contention if building relationships are our ultimate goal.

CHORES

Often we get so involved in the management portion of family life that it’s difficult to address the relationship portion. But when we’re Present things work out better.

Everyone wants support when facing a tough job. No one wants to be isolated in a mess. We sometimes forget our kids feel the same way we do.

Moms have had the experience of walking into a disaster of a kitchen after a long day. Your family’s watching TV, and here you are, in this messy kitchen. Where do you start?
How does it feel when your husband abandons his show, comes in and begins helping you pick up? And how does it feel when he also asks you how your day went? It’s amazing!

This happens to dads in garages and backyards. How does it feel when your seventeen-year-old volunteers to help get the backyard in order? How about when your thirteen-year-old offers to spend time helping you organize the garage? It feels better, doesn’t it?

When a child is faced with what seems like a daunting task, check on them. Put your hand on their back or rub a shoulder and say, “Let me give you a hand.” Help them for 2-3 minutes while having a mini-conversation. Then head off to the next child or to your own work. It makes all the difference in how chores feel and in how well they get done. It solidifies relationships. It allows you to be Present with your child for a few minutes.

Chores can be a touchpoint!

You can get more details on how to make chores a touchpoint rather than a point of contention in your home in Chapter four of the book and you can read it for FREE.

FAMILY WORK

Family work is another time when you can create a touchpoint rather than a point of contention. When working as a family we need to keep in mind the objective isn’t just to get another item off the to-do list – we’re creating relationships and bonding our family.
I love gardening alone. I love the quiet and feeling the dirt in my fingers. But I understand it’s an opportunity for me to teach and connect with my grandchildren. Gardening can be transformed into an enduring memory for us all when I remember the garden isn’t what’s important, the relationship is.

Add fun to any work you do as a family – sing, dance as you clean, play great music, tell jokes, laugh, have mini-conversations and lots of random touches.

Things aren’t going to work out all of the time. You’ll have family work that turns into chaos or contention. We’re all imperfect, we get tired, and we have grouchy moments. It’s inevitable. But what if you could make family work more pleasant even one-quarter of the time?

If you can be Present as you work together even one-quarter of the time, your family members will feel supported and relationships will be built. You’ll experience GREAT results in the happiness level of your family.

Learn about the other seven family touchpoints. Read chapter four, Touchpoints, FREE

Happy Summer,
Mary Ann

Happy Father’s Day – PART III – The Glen Morshower Interview Articles

This is part III of an interview that I had with Glen Morshower in 2011. Missed Part 1 or Part II?

This final Morshower article deals with the third question I asked Glenn –

What is the most powerful experience you have had with your children?

Glen – The years that my children were teens were really powerful, helping them with first loves and breakups. My children felt at ease with their parents and we would take cheerful walks and talk.

In our family we had a motto of sorts – you can share everything that you are comfortable sharing (which is to say, that you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to). The door was wide open no matter what it was they felt, said or did.

We created a safe place to fall. We were a safety net for our children and they used that net lots of times. Our children knew “You are gonna be loved here!”

Mary Ann – After Glen shared this with me he said, “I am going to tell you something I have never told anyone else. I have never said this in an interview before. This is about my greatest pain and the Team Kiss”. What he shared was so beautiful and I feel privileged to share it with you.

Glen – I felt that this idea was a whisper from God, the Team Kiss. My children are grown and we still do the Team Kiss. Let me tell you the history of how it came to be.

“My mom and dad divorced when I was three. It was a painful time. I learned early on that there is a purpose to the gifts we are given in life, even those experiences that are painful and are rarely viewed as gifts. My experiences were a gift and taught me character and gave me something to transcend.

I developed an awareness about life that I consider heaven’s gift to me. I became wide awake. I learned compassion and gained understanding and those are the things that I brought to my parenting.

There are two things that those who cross our path can give us.

Instead of choosing what you want, choose instead the consequences you want. Make consequence-based choices. This leads to a healthier, happier life.

As adults, we need to be careful not to use “victim speak”. Making excuses for our bad behavior or blaming circumstances for our bad behavior is unhealthy. Take the responsibility for your choices and make them consequence based.”

In later years my mother and father began to be civil to each other, they began to heal. It was then I had the idea for the Team Kiss.

Here’s how it works. Both parents kiss a cheek of their child at the same time. It’s a double kiss. To this day it is my children’s favorite kiss.

The Team Kiss is a reassurance. The two people who love you and made you have their lips on your cheeks at the same time. A child can breathe in both parents simultaneously. No matter what is happening out there in the world they are reassured that these two people love them.
Mary Ann – I hope you have enjoyed Glen’s words and wisdom as much as I have. I loved talking to him.

Let’s remember the most important things Glenn has shared.

• Everyone who crosses your path is there to help you
• Give your children unconditional and powerful love and affection
• Be gentle
• Listen to your children
• Give children the freedom to learn and love them through the process
• Don’t try to control the outcome
• This is a choice/consequence world
• And most importantly “Do unto others as you would have the world do unto you!”

Thank you Glenn Morshower for your honest and heartfelt words of wisdom!

Missed Part 1 or Part 2?

Glenn Morshower is regarded as one of the busiest character actors in Hollywood. Best known for his role as Aaron Pierce on the FOX hit series 24, Glenn has a hugely successful acting career spanning 35 years. He and his high school sweetheart Carolyn married in 1978 and have two grown children.
“The Extra Mile” is a series of performances which are written and performed by Glenn Morshower. The program is a combination of motivational speaking, storytelling, dramatic and comedic performance, acting instruction, and life coaching. Thousands, including a good number of celebrities, have attended these events across the US. You can learn more about it here.

Share Glen’s thoughts and experiences with those you love by clicking the links below.

In Honor of Fathers – PART II – The Glen Morshower Interview Articles

I hope you took the opportunity of reading Part One of the Glenn Morshower Interview articles. If you missed it you can view it HERE.

Today’s article deals with the second question I asked Glenn –

What is the best thing that you did for your children as a parent?

Glenn – Things occur for a reason, even bad things. I am not saying that what I am going to tell you is the TOP reason bad things occur but I surely think it falls in the top 3 – clarification.

When bad things happen we are forced to go where we don’t want to go and in being there we know we don’t belong. We have clarification!

This knowledge helps us make more healthy choices because we know we don’t belong in this difficult place. We want to change it. So we begin to make changes; not at microwave speed but in small increments.

The changes I made were:

• To give my children unconditional and powerful love and affection. We openly displayed affection in our home. We did a lot of hugging and kissing.
• I listened to them all the time.
• I gave them the freedom to learn and loved them through the process.
• I was gentle.
• I taught them to make consequence based choices.
• Most of all I gave them TONS of fun. Now that they are grown-ups I still give them tons of fun. I still play with them. They think their dad is a nut.

I think God has encouraged me to make a change in the Golden Rule. I say this with all reverence. The whisper said, “You know there is something in you that knows the Golden Rule can be improved.”

Because of this knowingness, I have reframed that rule from “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” to “Do unto others as you would have life do unto you.”

Can you see the difference? In the first rule, you don’t have to be kind to the waitress in Nome, Alaska that you will never see again. In another scenario, you may be kind and the other person isn’t kind in return. They may even be hurtful.

But in this new way of stating the rule you do what is right because you understand that life will give back to you what you give out. You are kind to the waitress and the unkind stranger because life will give kindness, consideration, and gentleness back to you. If you treat everyone with love and respect life will give you love and respect. If you give your resources freely life will give resources freely back to you.

The BEST thing I gave to my children was to treat them as I wanted life to treat me!

Don’t miss part III next week. Glen shares something with me he said he had never shared in an interview before. It is powerful and you won’t want to miss it!

Glenn and Carolyn Morshower – Married 40 years

Glenn Morshower is regarded as one of the busiest character actors in Hollywood. Best known for his role as Aaron Pierce on the FOX hit series 24, Glenn has a hugely successful acting career spanning 35 years. Frequently seen in roles of authority, he has appeared in over 160 film and television projects including:
The Men Who Stare at Goats, Good Night and Good Luck, Black Hawk Down, Air Force One, Hostage, Under Siege, All the King’s Men, Pearl Harbor, Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Transformers 3, with running roles on CSI, The West Wing, and Friday Night Lights.

“The Extra Mile” is a series of performances which are written and performed by Glenn Morshower. The program is a combination of motivational speaking, storytelling, dramatic and comedic performance, acting instruction, and life coaching. Thousands, including a good number of celebrities, have attended these events across the US.

In Honor of Fathers – The Glen Morshower Interview Articles

In 2011 I had the extraordinary opportunity to interview Glen Morshower – Agent Aaron Pierce, from the Fox hit “24. I had attended an event he spoke at and I was riveted by his humor, wisdom and pure joy in living. So I plucked up my courage and asked him for an interview that I could share with the mothers and fathers I work with. He said he would be glad to and gave me his phone number. I never called.

I thought about calling often. I would look at his card, smile in remembrance of his exuberance and then put the card down.

Finally, one day as I thought about tossing the card in the trash, I plucked up my courage again and called. I left a message on his machine reminding him who I was and what I wanted. I didn’t expect a call back. He’s famous after all and a busy man.

The phone rang a short time later. Imagine my surprise to hear “Hi Mary, its Glenn.” It took me a moment to figure out Glenn who. “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you called me back.” And that was how the following delightful hour began.

Glenn is an amazing individual. He has a zest for life that’s infectious. He was fun to talk with and I had to write fast and furiously. (I do not know shorthand) I made every effort to gather as much as I could to share with you. Over the next few weeks I will be sharing what I learned. I know you will enjoy it as much as I did.

Mary Ann – Is there anything from your parenting which you regret?

Glenn – “I can honestly say that I loved it all! It has been the best role I have ever played. Now that my children are grown I miss holding them and tucking them in.

Here’s why I have no regrets in my parenting.

“I learned early on that there is a purpose to the gifts we are given in life, even those experiences that are painful and are rarely viewed as gifts. My experiences were a gift and taught me character and gave me something to transcend.

I developed an awareness about life that I consider heaven’s gift to me. I became wide awake. I learned compassion and gained understanding and those are the things that I brought to my parenting.

There are two things that those who cross our path can give to us.

• There are those give us a clear road map of how to live our life. They model excellent behavior and we should embrace the experience.
• There are those who will clearly model how not to live life. Instead of choosing what you want, choose instead the consequences you want. Make consequence-based choices. This leads to a healthier, happier life.

As adults, we need to be careful not to use “victim speak”.
Making excuses for our bad behavior or blaming circumstances for our bad behavior is unhealthy. Take the responsibility for your choices and make them consequence based.”

The first thing I learned from Glenn –

Glenn chose love and tenderness which he found effortlessly flowed to his children because he decided to give them what he wanted. He made a decision.

The most poignant portion of his answer to the question I had asked was this: In giving what he wanted he found personal healing.

And isn’t that what we all really know is true – that what we give we get back in abundance. Glenn gave love instead of hurt.

Next week Glen shares what he felt was the best thing he did for his children. Be sure and join me because it is tremendous.

“The Extra Mile” is a series of performances that are written and performed by Glenn Morshower. The program is a combination of motivational speaking, storytelling, dramatic and comedic performance, acting instruction, and life coaching. Thousands, including a good number of celebrities, have attended these events across the US. You can learn more about it here.

Why not share Glenn Morshower and his joy in life by clicking on the buttons below.

A Tribute To Our Mother

I mentor mothers and one of the things we always have to work on is their tendency to believe that they are falling short, they are never going to measure up and that they are ruining their kids.

If you have read the introduction to my new book Becoming a Present Parent then you know that I was not a perfect parent. I came into it with lots of baggage, few skills, and a lot to learn. Our family wasn’t perfect either. We had some really tough times.

That was one reason I used to hate Mother’s Day because I knew I didn’t measure up.

A few years ago my daughters hijacked my website for a surprise gift for me on Mother’s Day. Here is what they said – “We wanted to share with all of you, her dear readers and friends, how honored we are to be her daughters and what she means to us. We are grateful for your joining with us to celebrate our mother and yours. We hope you enjoy this song, in celebration of our mothers as you read.”

I enjoyed reading their words again this year, they made me cry. I am astonished at how they see me. They see what I haven’t always been able to see in myself. It takes a lifetime to find out just what a good job you have done. I was in my sixties when I read these words from my daughters for the first time and knew that although I was imperfect, it had been enough.

We really are doing better than we think – despite any mistakes we may be making. Take heart this Mother’s Day and know that you are doing better than you think.

Kate Housten

I remember one of my favorite things when I was living at home was sitting in our “library” with you talking about our love for books. You taught me to hunger for knowledge.

When I was young you showed me how to make a meal out of almost nothing, how to grow a beautiful garden, and how to REALLY clean. You taught me how to be a homemaker.

The summer I wanted to study abroad in Europe and we had no money, you spent the whole summer baking cakes and selling water bottles with me. You taught me how to work for what I want and be creative doing it.

When I wanted to be a varsity cheerleader my senior year of high school, even though I had NEVER cheered before, you were right there the day of tryouts to make sure I stuck it out until the end. You taught me how to dream, and dream big.

Growing up you loved to teach us how to make sugar eggs, gingerbread houses, and frosting flowers for cakes. You taught me the importance of cultivating my talents.
When you were in your 40’s, you had seven children, an incredibly busy life and yet you finished your master’s degree. You taught me the value of education.

When times were tough and family life was especially hard I’d walk past your open bedroom door and ALWAYS see you on your knees. You taught me how to have a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Mom, it’s easy for us to look back on our time as a mother and wonder if anything we did gave our children what they needed to be successful in their lives. Sometimes we look back and feel discouraged because as far as we can see, what we did wasn’t enough. But it’s the little things, the daily things you taught me that made all the difference. Because you were the person that you were, I am the person that I am today. Through your service to others, you taught me how to serve. Through your example of forgiving and being patient, you taught me how to forgive and be patient. Because you grew and blossomed, like the flowers out back in our garden, you taught me how to grow and blossom.

Now I’m getting ready to take my first steps into motherhood and because of you, I am not afraid. You have already walked the path down this unfamiliar road and through the wisdom you have gained, you will teach me what it truly means to be a mother.

Thank you, mom,
Kate

Marie Henry

There are so many things that I have learned from you but there are two things in particular that have forever changed me and how things have gone in my life. The first one was prayer. I remember always walking in on you praying. I knew Heavenly Father was your friend and that you trusted him.

When I decided to come back to the church I knew what to do. I knew I could talk to him about everything. That is was okay if I was angry, even at him, as long as I talked to him about it. That even if I sat their and said nothing at least I was in the right place. I knew I had to build up trusting him but I trusted you so I knew I would get there and that it would be okay.

The second thing was to never ever give up, that change is possible and that it is very real; that you need not give up hope. There is a way to return to happiness, and it is through Jesus Christ.

The past 13 years have been quite the journey for me and my family. There were times I didn’t think things would ever turn around or feel differently, but then I would pray and get through the day. I knew from watching you that no matter what, you don’t ever, ever give up. You continue to fight even if the answer takes years to come.

Now, look where I am at. I finally love being a mother, I feel content and peaceful with me and how things are going in my life, and I have the greatest man as my husband.

There are many things I get to pass on to my children but the two things I continue to tell them about is to always pray no matter how you feel and to never ever give up, that Heavenly Father is there for us and no matter what you fight to stay on his side.

I know that one day you were praying, in the kitchen I believe, and you said to Heavenly Father that we would have all been better off if he had just sent us to someone else. He said to you that may be true but he sent us to you. Well, I am proud that he did. I am very grateful to have you as my mother.

Our lives here on earth are meant to have trials in them. I left your home knowing how to make it through and come out the other side being a better me and closer to the Lord. Having fewer trials really doesn’t matter. That I know how to make it back home to Heavenly Father is what I came here to learn and learn it I did. I am grateful for the family I have and PROUD I get to say you are my mother. I love you.

Love,
Marie

Jenny Johnson
I really love my mother. And it is one of those interesting loves; the bigger the love gets, the bigger my heart gets, and the more it makes me love the entire world. Amazing!

I remember being a child and mom would take all of her 7 children with her to the nursing home on Sundays just to visit the patients who weren’t getting usual visitors. It was the family’s volunteer work. That is how I now kind of define my life. I prioritize (highly) having volunteer work in my life that serves the geriatric population.

Also, I just finished the endeavor of earning my Master’s degree. I will now start working as a professional to serve the geriatric population with different modes of therapy. I feel so happy and grateful because I know that working in this environment and serving this population is really going to feed my life, daily! She has taught me that despite possibly never bearing children, there is a viable way for me to mother this world! I serve…and it makes me happy. It is how I run my life. This is the legacy my mother has left in my life. An ocean of thanks to you, my sweet mother.

A handful of years ago, when I was in a severe car accident and wasn’t walking, my mother flew to California and took care of me for 4 months. I mean REALLY was taking care of me, as if her 30-year-old daughter was 3 again. Feeding me, cleaning me, helping me move from point A to point B, etc. That was such a wonderful blessing given to each of our lives because what came out of that intimate tragedy was that my mother became one of my dearest friends. I feel so supported, loved and valued and that, again, strengthens and augments my desire to serve and support this entire world, and it makes me love this world even more. A canyon of thanks to you, my sweet mother and friend.

What my wonderful, beautiful, vibrant mother is teaching me now about being a woman is that personal evolution never stops and it is never too late to become 10 times more than you have ever been. Beauty, wisdom, self-love, personal manifestation, grand service – these are things I am learning from her and really beginning to value because she is performing these things and becoming these things and mastering these things and it is all so amazing to watch! She is painting such a colorful masterpiece across the canvas of her life. She is leaving such a mark, and I feel so honored and blessed to be apart of it. I love you mom, to the moon and back! A universe of thanks to you for everything.

Jenny Rebecca

Jodie Palmer
I turned 40 years old a few weeks ago. It’s sort of a surreal experience for me because it’s the only age that I distinctly remember my mother being. She gave birth to her last child at 40, and so have I. I am now where my mother once was, a place I remember her being.

A fascinating thing has happened now that I’m standing in the shoes I remember my mother wearing. She has suddenly transformed into something more than my mother. I’m connecting with her as a woman.

It’s been hard to try to put this transformation into words or describe what it means to finally see my mother as a woman.

I hate to admit it, but my mother has never been a “real” woman to me. She’s been . . . my Mother. Something different than, “a woman.”

Through my life, I’ve been walking these antipodal paths of both discovering who I am as a woman, and consciously putting myself together into who I want to be. But the change that has happened for me is that I am beginning to see my mother in the context of who I am as a woman—this complicated mixture of contradictions and messiness, grace and beauty, vices and flaws, backbone and tenacity, soft and tender places, guarded and hidden places, confusion and wisdom, fullness and emptiness and so much more all wrapped up in one heart.

I find myself feeling so tender towards her, not in a reminiscent way, as is usual for Mother’s Day, but in this current, primal, female, connected, Red Tent sort of way.

As I was attempting to write this tribute to her I came up with my usual celebrations of memories, the ones that have informed my whole worldview and way of being with the world. Like the time she packed us all into the car to return something that had recently been purchased because we needed the money. On the way out of the parking lot, there was a man holding a sign asking for help. She rolled down the window and gave the man part of the change we had just received. She shared and gave, even when it hurt.

Or the time when she washed the body of a woman who had died who had no one in her life to give her that one last loving honor. She is a rememberer of the forgotten.

There are so many other memories that have served as the elements taken up as food by the beautiful garden of my life.

But, today I want to honor my mother differently than I have ever been able to before. I want to honor her as a woman. I want to honor her complicated, contradictory, messy, deeply beautiful, wise, lovely self. All of it is beautiful to me, and so needed by me, as a woman. All of her is so needed by the world. And the world is better for it—the little worlds of her children and grandchildren, the little worlds of her client families, the little worlds of her neighbors, and the strangers that cross her path. All these little worlds collide together in one big bang of goodness and beauty for all the rest of us.

That’s the beauty of women, we are wombs and birthers of beauty and goodness in the world through the complicated mixture of who we are. We are good for the world . . . And the Lord God looked and said, “It is good.”

I am honored to a woman born and grown from this woman. I am honored to have her blood and her bone, her spirit and her heart living in me.

I am grateful for these new eyes that have allowed me to not only see her differently but see my daughters differently. I newly see, and feel, that we are sisters, we are friends.

Love,
Jodie

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

Can Chores Ever Be Fun?

Spring is here and one of the things that we may want our family to buy into is ‘Spring Cleaning’. That begs the question, can cleaning ever be fun?

I love the principle “Make it Special” because it adds more joy to the ordinary and mundane things in life. It works at bedtime, family night, family dates, vacations, bath time, having a meaningful conversation with a spouse, in many ways. If you want your family to buy into a system, activity or even chores, then make it special. When something is special, meaning it doesn’t happen every day, or when the everyday is managed in an extraordinary way, people want to be involved.

When our family members ‘buy-in’ to an activity or family project they feel ownership and they tend to give more of themselves to it. As a parent, when it comes to getting kids to help with chores, that can be very valuable.

Let’s face it, most of life is mundane. So if we can add some fun and build some enthusiasm, then it’s a win-win. Our kids have fun, and we get a bit more of what we want, in this case, chores done.

Six Ways to Make Chores Seem Like Family FUN!

1. Plan to have snacks and drinks on hand. Play some up-tempo music to keep everyone’s energy level up. Let everyone in on the fun. Preschoolers enjoy helping with cleanup and can easily dust lampshades, books, and tabletops, or line up CDs. Let an older child help a younger child for more difficult tasks.

2. What about those messy dresser drawers? Give children badges marked Clothes Drawer Inspector. Have the children sort all the clothes looking for anything too small, out of season or in poor shape or torn. Have ice cream on the way to donate anything you aren’t keeping. (You will see this ice cream reward being used more than once. I LOVE ice cream)

3. Do your bookshelves need a good dusting? Give everyone a shelf and a time limit. Now race to see who can remove the books, dust the shelves and put the books back on the shelf within the time limit. Whoever makes it gets a cool summer activity page. (I did this game with my grandchildren. I had a pile of about 60 activity sheets of all kinds printed free from the internet. They loved it and couldn’t wait to choose one. We did a number of jobs with the timer, and they got a page after each job. They kept them in a colored file until we were done working and then they were free to work on their sheets. Can you imagine that on a non-school day a worksheet can be used as a reward!!)

4. Make a “to-do” list that’s clever and inspiring. Try a tongue-in-cheek menu of spring-cleaning tasks, and let your child decide which jobs to tackle by ordering from it. Put the list on your refrigerator.

For example, Surf and Turf: Clean the garage, organize sports equipment, hose off boogie boards and surfboards, inflate basketballs and beach balls, and rake the lawn.
Hot Tamales: Clean the stovetop, dust the radiators and empty the crumbs from the toaster.
High Tea: Banish cobwebs from the ceilings, replace burned-out light bulbs, and dust the chandeliers.

5. If there is a lot of laundry to fold, hide a prize in a sock and see who finds it. You can also do this with a room by hiding a prize in a hard to clean spot. These can be inexpensive items from the dollar store or even small amounts of money. You can also use coupons for a trip to the park, etc.

6. What about those everyday chores that each person is assigned to do? As a family, determine how much time you think it will take everyone to get their assigned chore done, 30 minutes, an hour. Now set the timer and play “Beat the Clock”. If someone finishes early, they can help someone else. They will want to do this because you have designed a reward for the family if they can “Beat the Clock”. Maybe it’s their favorite pie for dessert, maybe a trip to get ice cream, or a family movie, a walk to the park or a drive to see grandma.

You won’t do this every day or every time your family has work to do but I can guarantee that if you throw in a bit of fun every now and then your family will be more willing to participate. In fact, just the other day I was in charge of my grandchildren and decided that we ought to clean the living room. There were groans all around and then Jack said, “Grandma put on the music.” They have this fun thing down!

What do you do to make chores and family work special at your house? We would all love to know!

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Words Carry Enormous Weight

Who Wears Shoes TOO Big?

My daughter Kate wore shoes that were a size too big for many years after she became a teenager. I didn’t realize she was doing that. In fact, she was married before I found out. Her husband found out first and he called her on it.

“Why do you buy shoes that are a size too big”, he asked her. She replied that she had big feet and needed a bigger size. Well, eventually the whole story came out.

She doesn’t really have big feet. She wears the same size that I do, a respectable eight. But one day when she was a child her dad said something that impacted her for years.

We were hiking and she had climbed a tree. Kate was about eight or nine. She lifted her foot and set it on a branch. Her dad made what seemed like an innocent comment, “Hey Big Foot”. The rest is history. She computed that to mean that she had big feet.

I Believed I WAS Fat!

When I was about eight my grandma said something that impacted me for all of my childhood and many years into my adulthood. She owned a Sweet Shop in Afton, Wyoming. I loved going there and she would let me work the candy counter and bag popcorn.

We grandkids could have lots of nickel and penny candy but we were never allowed to have chocolate bars because they cost a quarter. One day, before I had all the unspoken rules down, I asked her if I could have a Twix bar. I had never had one and they seemed so wonderful up on the highest shelf. She said, “No, do you want to get fat.” Another pretty innocent comment but here is what I heard and believed for many years…”You are fat”.

The TRUTH is I Have Beautiful Eyes!!!

Not only did I begin believing I was fat, I believed that I must be really unattractive because I was fat. But when I was seventeen I was at the home of a woman who was doing some alterations on a dress for me. Her husband told me that I had the most beautiful brown eyes. I know that it seems incredible because I didn’t even know the man, but I believed him. I had beautiful eyes! Even now at 65, when I look into the mirror I think to myself, “Man, you have beautiful eyes.”

Pigs or Pigsty…That Was the Question

When I was a middle-aged mom, with six of my seven children, I came down the stairs one day to the sight of a totally cluttered living room. As I gazed out over the room and the many children playing there I said, “This room is a pigsty”. Many years later, when my oldest child was in her late thirties we were having a conversation about moms and how they should talk to their children. I made the comment that although I wasn’t perfect I at least never called anyone names. My daughter looked at me in astonishment and said, “yes you did”. I, equally astonished, asked her to tell me when. She replied, “Well, one day you came down the stairs and you said, “You are such pigs!”

Wow, talk about two different views of the same experience. We talked about it. What we both realized is that children hear what they hear and we just need to be careful what we say, because children don’t always hear the words…they hear the feeling.

It is not just children that hear a comment and then believe it. It isn’t just the young that are affected by what is said to them. Let me illustrate. I will have to tell on myself a bit, but for the sake of emphasis, I will do it. : )

The SATISFYING Laugh, Ahhh!

My youngest daughter is married to a really wonderful man. We like him a lot and frankly, he thinks we are great too. Recently I was talking to my daughter on the phone and she said something that made me laugh.

I have to stop here and say something about my laugh. It is distinctive and it can be loud. I have a witch laugh that is legendary and on Halloween I am called upon to do it a lot. Frequently, during the year, a grandchild will say, “Grandma do the witch laugh.” Now all of my laughter isn’t witchy but that just lets you know it is distinctive and sometimes loud. I have always been a bit self conscious about it.

Back to the phone conversation. I laughed and I heard my son in law say something in the back ground. “Mom, Brady said he likes your laugh.” That was such an odd comment that I asked her “Why?” She asked him and then came back on line and said, “He said it is satisfying.” Isn’t that the most amazing thing to have someone say?

Here is what has happened from that chance comment. Every time I laugh I think to myself, “That is so satisfying.” I am no longer self conscious, but pleased.

Our words can be very powerful for both good and bad. We need to be thoughtful in how we talk to our children and others, about their strengths and their weaknesses, because sometimes what we say can impact them for decades.

In all of our teaching and interactions with our children, we should be kind.

In all of our teaching and interactions with our children, we should be kind. Kind words not only lift our spirits in the moment they are given, but they can linger with us over the years. The same is true of the off hand or unkind chance remark. We would do well to ask ourselves questions such as these: “Is what I am about to say going to uplift the hearer? Will it inspire, motivate, and create forward momentum for them? Will it dissolve fear and create safety and trust? Will I create a positive or negative ripple effect by speaking out these words?” Harness the Power of Words By Barbara White

What has been said that has lifted you, buoyed you up, helped you learn or made you feel good about yourself? I, for one, would like to know. I encourage you to leave a comment. : )

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The Family Togetherness Thief

I am not Jewish. However, over the years I have known some Jewish families and I have admired their Sabbath Day worship. (Shabbat) Orthodox Jews take a one-day break from electronic devices to focus solely on faith and family without distraction.

In an article I read recently I was impressed with the feelings that were generated for young people as their families were consistent in their observance of this Sabbath day tradition. (David C. Dollahite, Making the Sabbath a Delight: Seven Lessons from Strong Jewish Families, February 24, 2018)

Hannah (17-year old Conservative daughter): The rest of the week totally different time. we have Shabbat . . . different. We don’t have to worry about the rest of the world. The rest of the world goes on, but we are here with our family and our religion. That’s just . . . it’s our time. (All youth’s names are pseudonyms.)

Josiah (19-year-old son): For me, Shabbat is the pinnacle of everything . . . . We all spend time together. We have three meals together. We play .

Nate (20-year-old son): I don’t know if there’s any particular practice . . . that’s . . . more meaningful than to me personally.

Tobi (17-year-old daughter): I think is really nice because it’s consistent. It’s not changing at all . . . and I kind of like that. . . tell my friends I’m eating at home tonight . . . and I really like that consistency, that we all sit at the table together and say the prayers.

What is consistent with the comments from these young people is the sense of family that is generated when the family lets go of technology for 24 hours. This is consistent with what I learned while doing research on the family and technology for my book Becoming a Present Parent.

I know adults think its kids who have the most trouble putting down their technology but from the research I read and my own informal research I discovered that technology use by adults has the most negative impact on the family because technology is a primary way for parents to check out in order to get time and relaxation away from their children. Managing technology in our homes is crucial for parents who want to be Present and who want to help their children learn to navigate technology in healthy ways.

One of the ways that I have often suggested to help you put your family first is to turn off your digital devices, ditch technology – just for a while. Have technology free moments every day. For example, maybe you have a TV, computer and no phone hour just before bed. Maybe dinner time is no technology time. When you are willing to let go of technology for even short amounts of time you will be surprised at how much time you can open up for the family.

There are many ways that a family can manage their technology use. Here is one that I ran across and found fascinating and challenging. However, their experience bore out the experience of the Jewish youth I have quoted here – when you find ways to decrease your technology use you increase the sense of family togetherness.

Some years ago I met a family, The Smith’s, who actually go screen free for a month every year. Yes, a whole month! I got all the details from the mom, Courtney, and I am sharing them with you because I think you will be so impressed that you might consider making this a tradition in your home.

So what is Screen Free you ask? No TV, no movies on TV, no computer time, no games on the phone, no screens.

HOW TO MAKE GOING SCREEN FREE WORK

Here is how the Smith’s make it work:

1. Prepare your kids ahead of time. This family goes screen free in the summer months because they feel that in the winter you are shut in and it’s more difficult to disengage from TV, videos, games etc. In the summer you can get out, walk, go swimming, go to the mountains, etc.

2. Presentation is everything! That is my phrase and you’ve heard me say it before, but it is what they do. They talk it up. They talk about all the great things they are going to be able to do as a family, how much fun they are going to have together, the family reward at the end of the month.

3. Get everyone to buy in. As Courtney was telling me how they get their kids to cooperate I said, “Oh you get them to buy in.” She smiled and said, “Well I didn’t have a term for it but yup that’s what we do.” They get their kids to buy in by allowing them to pick a reward they would like to have at the end of the month. It has to be a really fun family activity. It might be swimming, camping, eating out, going to the movie theater, visiting grandparents, a road trip, whatever the parents want to throw out there. When the kids pick it, plan it and talk about it – they are IN.

Here is their one caveat – They don’t use screen time as the reward. They don’t want to reward ‘no screen time’ with screen time. : )

4. Parent’s have to be honest! It isn’t the kids who struggle the most, it’s the parents. They really do have to commit. Courtney told me that the hard part for her is at lunch. She usually has lunch when the big kids are at school and her little one is taking a nap. She likes to read Facebook, watch a show, catch up on the news, whatever, as she eats lunch. It is a challenge to read instead or call a friend.

It also becomes challenging for her and her husband in the evening when everyone is in bed. They usually veg out a bit in front of the TV, just the two of them but – YIKES – it’s screen free month. She told me that they have learned to play games together or read to each other. It has become really fun.

The one caveat – They do occasionally check email, pay bills online or prepare church lessons; just no screens for entertainment purposes.

5. Plan ahead. Get the games out. Check some great books out of the library. Stock up on popcorn. Know in your mind what you are going to say to your kids, how are you going to direct them when they come and ask to watch a movie. Get prepared.

THE RESULTS

Courtney said that it’s a bit hard the first few days because it’s a serious transition, but then they settle right in. They have a lot of fun. They play together, they talk, and they laugh. She said that it’s something that they really do all look forward to each year.

They feel more connected at the end of their Screen Free Month. It takes a while for screen time to become important to them again. The break feels good – after the first few days. : )

In fact, Courtney shared this with me, “Last time we did it our kids wanted to continue for more than a month! And they hardly ever ask when it will be over.”

So why not consider it and give it a try. You just might find out how much your family likes to read, play games, hike or swim. You may relish the increased sense of FAMILY.

How do you manage technology in your home? When do you go screen free? Do you find it challenging to go screen free yourself? Let’s share and help each other out.

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Assumptions Can Lead To Frustration

Do you ever have conflict with your children? I did. Know what I learned?

Often it was because they didn’t know what I wanted or what my expectations were. I assumed they knew. They should have known but the sad fact was that they didn’t.

My father used to say this all the time…When you assume it makes an a _ _ out of you and me. I hated that saying but unfortunately it’s true. When we make assumptions about what another person knows and understands we often find ourselves frustrated, angry, sad and the list of feelings goes on.

Today I want to share a poignant story with you that happened over the Christmas holiday. It could have happened to me or you but it happened to one of my sisters.

An Assumption Gone Wrong!

I have five sisters and we communicate with each other on a video phone app. In early December Rozanne made a video and we could all tell she was fit to be tied!! Mad as a wet hen!! She went on and on about the marvelous Christmas memory she had set up for her grandchildren by putting a wealth of wonderful games and books under her tree and how they had carelessly and thoughtlessly behaved.

She said that she had scolded them all, taken all the toys away and that the grandkids were so confused.

Now the children she was talking about are all fairly young. The behavior she spoke of seemed age appropriate to me. I mean, if there are unwrapped toys under the tree they are to play with, right. I was confused. What had she expected they would do with those toys? If I, as an adult, was confused about how they should have behaved how in the world could they not be confused?

Here is the story in Rozanne’s own words.

“I decided to put activities under the Christmas tree for the grandkids to enjoy. I did this instead of gifts because 23 grandchildren can be expensive and frustrating to shop for. I preferred to instill in their hearts a memory of Christmas fun at Grandma’s house.

I lovingly placed several coloring books, cardboard pop up books, activity books, etc. under the tree. I added several items from years past, such as a wooden puzzle my son made when he was in school and card games like Crazy Eights, Go Fish and Rummy. There was a pouch of finger puppets, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, etc. There were several Christmas storybooks including my favorite ‘The Gift of The Magi’ which is older than any of my 23 grandchildren. I anticipated all the children would create meaningful memories with one another.

To my chagrin, I was continually frustrated with the careless handling of the treasures I had thoughtfully placed under my beautiful Christmas tree. What was wrong with these kids!!!! Books were scattered on the floor or left in another room. Finger puppets were tossed under the tree and where was the Pouch?!? My youngest granddaughter proceeded to scribble on every single page of the coloring books. I began using the irritated mommy voice with my precious little angels. I’m sure I yelled a few times too.

Finally, I realized I hadn’t given my grandchildren any instructions or explained my expectations. I came to this realization after I had frantically removed every last item from under the Christmas tree to SAVE THEM from the horrible, no good, very bad grandchildren. That was a hard pill to swallow after feeling justified in my indignation.

After thinking about it for a few hours I felt sad. I put every item back under the tree and explained to the children why all that stuff was under there in the first place and the rules for using them:
• Put them under the tree when you’re done
• Only use them in the living room
• Play gently
• Share
Things went much better after that.

Over the years, I have weeded many things out of my holiday planning. I was always hoping to envelop everyone involved in my bubble of expectations but it became overwhelming and took away from the joy of the holiday.

I thought this simpler plan would accomplish the same as all my over the top projects of the past but my kids and grandkids simply were not on the same page as I was. I hadn’t let them in on what my expectations were. All they knew was that there was a pile of cool stuff to play with under the tree. Taking the time to give a simple explanation and a few instructions made all the difference in the outcome for the rest of the month. Memories were made, joy was felt and I am still Rozanne, the fun Grandma!”

Often when I’m mentoring an angry or resentful mom or dad, as we dig into what is actually the problem, this is what comes up – they just hadn’t made sure that the child or children in question knew what was required or expected.

It’s wise to understand that your kids don’t always know what you want. Even if you think they do or that they should know it’s wise to reiterate and make sure. If you take the time to do this you’ll have less frustration, feel less resentment and you will, as a family, have more joy.

Has this kind of thing happened to you? Please share your experience and what you have learned.

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

I WILL BE SPEAKING at the Winter Homeschool Conference on January 27, 2018, in Layton, Utah. This conference is designed to support and rejuvenate home educating parents who want to thrive, not just survive the homeschooling experience. You don’t have to be currently homeschooling to attend! I will be speaking about Process vs Outcome. Knowing the Difference Can Change Your Family. If the topic resonates with you I would love to have you join me.

You can learn more about monitoring your expectations in my new book Becoming a Present Parent, Connecting With Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. You can also receive a chapter from the book on Touchpoints, creating points of connection rather than having points of contention, FREE by visiting becomingapresentparent.com It can be life-changing for your family. I promise!

A True Short Story of Christmas and Personal Growth

“Whose is this one mom?” Seth held up a porcelain joker dressed in purple and red satin. “Oh, its one of mine, but you can have it.” He seemed pleased that I would let it go so easily; I was giving it to him along with 25 or 30 other beautiful ornaments gathered over the years.

As I watched him gleefully pack them up to take to his new home, my mind drifted back many years, to another home and another Christmas memory. The ornaments were scratched and old and many made by children’s small hands. I thought they were ugly and wondered why our tree couldn’t look like my friend’s trees with beautiful balls and ribbons so artfully hung.

The lights were in a box, a huge tangled mess. I could hear the tension between my mom and dad over those lights; she thinking, “It’s not a big deal”, and him promoting more organization and care in packing them away.

I vowed that my tree would never be like this. I would have beautiful ornaments. No little children would put them up, all clumped in one spot. The things they made would go on low branches or in the back or better yet on the refrigerator. My tree would be beautiful!

The presents under our family tree were ugly too. You could tell that kids had wrapped them using masking tape and very little skill. My friends had beautifully wrapped packages from large department stores under their trees. Ours were well worn, with the gifts inside poking through the corners where little hands had rearranged them too much. Never mind that I myself had moved them about over and over again, it wasn’t going to happen when I had a family. The packages would be beautifully wrapped and artfully placed under the tree and then left alone!

It looks far better at 67 than it did when I was 15.

I kept those vows to myself. I began to gather Christmas, beautiful ornaments purchased for half price the day after Christmas. The lights were always perfectly wrapped at the end of each season. Nothing was bent, broken or mutilated! As the years passed the decorations increased and were more beautifully arranged than ever until we had a ‘Better Homes and Gardens’ house (well, as much as that is possible with seven children). It was truly beautiful and admired by many.

Little hands were pushed away and little faces scolded for touching the packages and rattling them close to little ears. Sometimes, those same little hands were allowed to put ornaments on the tree but they were later rearranged so they looked better. All the packages had pretty ribbons and straight edges where little hands had been helped too much to do the job, and more years passed.

Lights on, music on, finally allowed downstairs.

Little by little I found my heart softening as I began to love my children’s hands more and the things of Christmas less. But now they were bigger hands and into them, I put the job of decorating. Perhaps things weren’t done just as I would have done them but it just didn’t seem to matter. All was a little less artfully arranged and the packages weren’t as fancy. Gone was the Better Homes and Gardens house. In today’s world, it would be a Pinterest house. I just wanted to please my children and not the world.

As the last ornaments were packed up and Seth and his little family left, I was brought back to the present. It had cost me nothing to give those trappings away to him. My heart was not attached to the things of Christmas as it had once been, but only to the grown child going out the door.

I realized that I had been gathering a new kind of Christmas, the kind from many years earlier in the home of my youth, where busy little hands had been allowed to touch Christmas and shake it and squeeze out every exciting moment of it.

I understood what I had missed as a youth, that Christmas has always been about little hands; the little hands of the Christ-child reaching towards his mother’s sweet face that first Christmas night. His little hands were lovingly guided and allowed to learn until they were grown and reached out to the whole world in love as he gave his life on the cross.

As I thought about where I had been and where I had come to I saw that now I was able to offer Christ a special gift; a heart full of love for little hands and a knowledge of the need to nurture them; a heart free of the worldly trappings of Christmas; a more Present heart.

2014 – A few of the newest ‘little hands’ in our growing family.

Addendum

I originally wrote this piece for a magazine over 30 years ago. Then it was published online In December of 2011. This year I asked my children to read this article and comment. I did this because I have been coming face to face with the reality that no matter how we feel we did or are doing as parents, in our children’s eyes it is far better than we think.

Here are a few of my children’s responses:

“I LOVE Christmas. I love everything about it. I loved our traditions and all the wonderful things that we did. It was a beautiful time and I have only fond memories.”

“Well, I didn’t know how much it meant then, but as an adult, I realize that my deepest childhood joys are wrapped up with Christmas. I do not even care if there are things under the tree, it is just vital to my happiness that there IS a tree, full of ornaments. This year, I have my elaborate decor about and there are three lovely Christam bags with tissue paper hanging out under the tree. The bags are empty, but it doesn’t matter because the look of Abundance is there and it makes me feel so full! I think as kids that is what it did for us. It was the time of the year where our house felt abundant and luxurious. It still brings me such joy.”

“Although you felt like you were controlling the decorating aspect you filled with so many other things. You made time to include all our school classes, gingerbread houses you spent countless hours preparing so we could make one for our childhood enjoyment, the cookie plates we took to neighbors and friends, Christmas parties for the ward and our friends, and so many other things. You even saved the shuffle ball ornament for 20 years, that my friend Brooke Powell made me in 1st grade… It went on the tree every year and so many other things. Even though you rearranged them after we put the decorations , the tree is the memory I hold, because it was a tradition for us. We knew you rearranged them but I don’t think any of us cared. We had an awesome Christmas house. I remember my friends loving it so much…”

You won’t and, frankly, can’t do everything right. You are after all, still working on becoming the best person and parent that you can be. But if you consistently do the small and simple things that really matter, if you never give up then trust me, it will be enough!

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

I WILL BE SPEAKING at the Winter Homeschool Conference on January 27, 2018 in Layton, Utah. This conference is designed to support and rejuvenate home educating parents who want to thrive, not just survive the homeschooling experience. You don’t have to be currently homeschooling to attend! I will be speaking on Process vs Outcome. Knowing the Difference Can Change Your Family. If the topic resonates with you I would love to have you join me.

P.S. You can learn more about nurturing little hands, doing the simple things that really matter and how to keep working on becoming a better parent and person in my new book Becoming a Present Parent, Connecting With Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. Knowing the difference will help you let it be enough. You can also receive a chapter from the book on Touchpoints, creating points of connection rather than having points of contention, FREE by visiting becomingapresentparent.com It can be life-changing for your family. I promise!