Category: Controlling your Thoughts

Time is My Friend. Well, I Am Working On It!

I’ve been journaling for decades. I don’t write every day or even every week. Some years I am more consistent than others. But I have recorded many experiences over the years, that were meaningful and taught me something valuable.

Several years ago, I began reading entries and if things had changed, I didn’t feel the same, or I had learned more, I made notes on a Post-It and stuck it on the journal page. In years to come, when my family reads what I recorded, the Post-It notes will make it even more meaningful.

Recently, I read an entry from Feb. 2023 that contained information I thought would be useful to some of you. It isn’t new. I’ve written on the power of story, the importance of perspective, and the value of controlling our thoughts often. But when you attach powerful ideas to an event, they become more relatable and easier to institute into one’s life.

In February 2023, I was taking an Emotional Resilience class. At the same time, I was endeavoring to come to terms with time because my story wasn’t helpful and I knew it. I wrote an article about my journey in March 2023. Coming to terms with time is something I have been working on for years and I bet some of you are in that boat with me.

After class, at home, I reread the lesson. As I did, I had major insights. I knew they would help me with my negative story about time and I would move closer to becoming friends with time.

Here are some of the thoughts from 2023 that were recorded in my journal.

“I work hard by choice. I like working. It’s satisfying, helps me when I’m stressed, and it often feels restful. I know, it’s weird. But at the end of the day, when I have done more than most 30-year-olds, I feel let down. It doesn’t matter how much I did. You can never get everything on the list done, but if you do as much as you can, if you have prayed about what matters most and have moved through your day in that order, isn’t that enough? Often, not for me.

I’ve had a photo of me and time on my wall for over ten years and I’m smiling. The caption says, “Time is my friend.” I have changed the look a few times but there it is, still on my wall after all this time. Sigh! The lesson in my Emotional Resilience class was ‘Managing Stress and Anxiety’. The foundation principle was – Use time wisely. This lesson was for me! LOL

During the class, I realized I had allowed a negative time story to plague my mind for all of 2022 and into 2023. Here it is – No matter what I do, between noon and two my day shreds apart!” Since the class, I have observed myself. This story isn’t true.

However, I accepted it, and so at noon every day, I began feeling stress and anxiety. It’s true I have much to do, and there are many interruptions. That’s life, but I could see that the day didn’t shred and run away from me if I was paying attention. This one thing made last week much better.

As I moved through the week, this question came into my mind – What are your expectations about time? I had to think and become very honest with myself. The answer was embarrassing because I know better, but I’m human, and life is all about continuing to learn and refine. So here it is – “I should be able to get everything on my list done and there shouldn’t be any big interruptions. If I plan, then it should go the way I plan.” So NOT life!

What to do about that?

As I reread the lesson, I thought of things I could do to rewrite the story. I made some changes to my daily worksheet so that it was simpler to manage and there was less chance of overscheduling myself. I have made other changes to my daily worksheet that have simplified things.

Under the picture of me and time on my wall I added “It is a matter of perception and not time itself!” Then at the top of the items on my wall, I put – “If you do your best, it will all work out.” At any rate, I feel great excitement and hope for change.”

We are coming to the end of 2024.

I have made real progress. I have more days when I accept that I have done my best and am satisfied, than days I feel I didn’t do enough. My worksheet is still busy, but I am clear that all I need to do is carefully ponder what is most important, do them first, and then fit in whatever else I can.

But here is the crux of this journal entry.

I had a story about time that wasn’t based on fact. It was based on a perception, and I wasn’t taking responsibility for my days. I was blaming others or circumstances for the choices I was making. I can’t control everything. There are many interruptions. Some things come up that aren’t on my list because I care for two people full-time, my special needs granddaughter, and three other teens, part-time. Life can become jumbled. Ultimately, I must make choices about where to spend my time and it isn’t always what I had in mind or on my worksheet. How my day feels are based on accepting my choices and not blaming others or circumstances. I have the power to choose.

If I choose to drive kids to school, to a friend, or to the gas station I make that choice. If I cook a more challenging meal, I choose to expend that time. If I work in the garden, sit, and write, or help a neighbor, these are choices. If I put my writing on the back burner and then find myself doing it all on Saturday, that is also a choice. I can say no, but If I choose to say yes, it’s a choice. No one is to blame but me and how I decided to use my time.

When it comes to the stories, we tell ourselves I like this thought from Buddha – All that we are is the result of what we have thought. For me, the challenges of 2022 and into 2023 came from a thought I held on to that was incorrect.

Taking responsibility for the choices I make, regarding how I choose to use my time, has changed my perception of time. There is time to do what matters even with interruptions and unplanned events if I am clear about what matters most today. It’s OK if everything doesn’t get done if the things that impact my relationships do.

I have made HUGE progress in my relationship with time. It’s all about perception and not time itself.

A Five-Year Lesson

When I lived in Montana with seven children, I was a busy mother. You’re smiling because you know exactly what I mean. A family, regardless of its size, is a handful; lots of cooking, laundry, cleaning, driving people here and there, and so forth. I look back and wonder how in the world I did it all.

I have also pondered how I managed with so little connection to other women. I had my church friends. I had my school band club friends. I had friends when I was a Girl Scout Leader. I had friends that I taught community classes with.

What I had very little of were face-to-face, heart-to-heart connections, where you sit down, breathe together, and confide in each other. There are reasons for this. I am a leader, but I am also a loner. I like to get in there, get it done, and then I want to be alone. I made the choice to work and manage on my own because I felt I could. I didn’t think about how to fit these types of connections into my life because I didn’t think they were important, and I was busy!

These facts matter because they triggered the Five-Year Lesson. I am being upfront when I tell you the lesson is not finished. I know there are more levels, but I am less wary of what may come than when the lesson first began. I wondered if I should share this unfinished story with you, but then decided that it isn’t imperative to have traveled the whole road to share the sights along the way.

I know intellectually that face-to-face, heart-to-heart friendships matter, but as I said, I felt I didn’t need that. I should have known better because I had a couple of experiences in the early years of my parenting that illustrated otherwise; that I wasn’t going to manage my whole life on my own. I was going to need a real connection to others.

EXPERIENCE 1

In Colorado, in the early years of parenting, I had the kind of friends I mentioned above. At that time, I was deep in postpartum depression. I had a 3-year-old and a nine-month-old.

At some point, I recall kneeling and pleading for a friend, someone I could tell how I felt and the dark thoughts I was having, someone I could trust and who would help me turn on the light. That same week, as I mingled with my church friends, I saw a woman I knew and liked. I had the feeling she was the friend I had prayed for. I went home and pondered the situation. It took me over two months to call and invite her to my home.

We had a simple lunch with kids running all over the place. We talked and laughed. I felt lighter and happy. It was an amazing experience. We began to get together once a week. Our association made a difference for me, and I started to get a handle on my thoughts and feelings. She didn’t judge me, just loved me.

EXPERIENCE 2

We then moved to Montana. After a couple of years, one of my church friends began reaching out to me. She was persistent. She dropped by. She called. I wasn’t reaching back. I had five kids by then and as I mentioned, I was a busy person. But Linda never gave up. Maybe she needed what I had needed in Colorado.

One day I had a strong feeling to stop at her home as I returned from an errand. It was out of the way, but the feeling was strong, so I did. The rest is history, as they say. We became dear friends and spoke on the phone regularly for almost twenty years. We supported one another as we discussed books, the scriptures, values, our marriages, community happenings, and raising our children.

Despite being shown the value and necessity of face-to-face and heart-to-heart relationships, the kind that requires space and time, I did not take the lesson to heart. When I left Montana and moved to Utah I carried on as before. For context, know that I have been in Utah for over twenty years.

Five years ago, I began feeling I needed to form a few of these relationships. This was the thought, “Mary, you need a few friends. You need to make time for them and yourself. You can’t wait until life slows down. Do it now!”

I wasn’t interested. My husband’s health was poor and my mother, in her late eighties, with dementia, had come to live with us. I had given up my profession as a mentor and speaker because I lived in a four-generation home, helping to care for my special needs granddaughter, and was far too busy for that type of friend. I was content with my church friends and an occasional talk over the garden fence. So, despite the clear feelings, I ignored them for two years.

The feeling persisted. I would pull up the story I had been telling myself for years, that when Don was gone, and I was old and alone I would have time for those kinds of friends. Frankly, this was the story I had been telling myself since I began parenting. It was one reason I felt God gave me those two experiences, so I would put that story down. But I hadn’t.

Eventually, a new thought emerged, “If you wait it will be too late.” What did that mean? I had no idea. I pondered the idea for months. Then I began to get a glimpse of what I was being taught. The two experiences I have shared came back to my mind. I remembered how much those women had helped me, and I had helped them. I began to see, to have clarity.

Caregiving, whether it is for the ill, those with dementia, or raising children, is stressful. Being with someone you can trust, who listens, and to whom you can listen, mitigate that stress. It can lift a spirit and heart. It makes a difference.

Did you know that 30-40% of those who care for an ill family member or someone with dementia die before those they care for? I knew these statistics and they concerned me. I wasn’t ignorant of the fact that if I continued to wait to implement time to relax, breathe, laugh, and rejuvenate I could become one of those.

Most of you are not full-time caregivers, but you are caring for kids, a spouse, etc. I know from my research that the stress from parenting takes a toll on your mental and physical health, maybe not in the short term but in the long term, in the loss of memory, health, etc.

Finding a way to fit a few consistently practiced heart-to-heart and face-to-face connections into your life, at whatever stage you are in, matters.

With this new clarity, I wondered how I could make it work. I still didn’t want to do it, but I knew my health and happiness were at stake, and I was grateful that God would reach out to me a second time. I am sure he knew I had grown and was finally ready to learn.

I cast my thoughts to the last place we had lived before moving to our current home in West Point. It was about an hour away, in Kearns. I had a church friend, Anne, who I enjoyed talking with. We had things in common. She taught special needs kids and I have a special needs granddaughter. We had connected a few times via Facebook in the years since I moved. I got brave, overcame my loner mentality, and asked her if she would like to meet with me. She suggested lunch. Yikes, the dreaded lunch, too much time and money! LOL I said OK. We each drive 30 minutes to meet in a central place.

I hadn’t planned on a second lunch, but while eating I thought this was the place to begin following the prompting I had been having for over two years. We scheduled a lunch for every 3 months. We have both enjoyed it!

Then I began thinking about my friend, Linda, in Montana. She doesn’t do Facebook or text, so I called. We now have a phone conversation once every three months.

Over the last three years, I have set up calls every three months with several other friends who I met in different arenas of my life. This may not seem like much for over five years, but remember it took me two years to understand why I felt the need to make this change. I needed to add them one at a time to test the waters.

Recently, I added two more friends. It began with Alysia, a younger mom from my speaking days. She reached out last year, and we had a great conversation. It ended with her saying, “Let’s do this again.” Months passed. I had it on my daily worksheet to call her back. It didn’t happen. Finally, I reached out and we decided to walk together one morning. After the walk, we decided to walk together once a month. Wow, I had gone from once every three months to once a month. Progress. : )

Then a second young mother that I love, Livia, was in a class I had decided to attend with my husband and my mom. After the class, she and I talked and laughed. It was wonderful. In that conversation, she discovered that Alysia and I were walking once a month. They are also friends. She suggested that we all walk together a few days a week. What! But it seemed like a good thing, so we have given it a try. It has been good for me!

Let me be transparent and honest here. It matters to the lesson.

I have a daily schedule I use to manage my busy, people-filled days. In the beginning, when one of these scheduled events showed up on my calendar, I would feel bugged. I don’t have time for this! I sometimes struggled not to cancel. I didn’t look forward to the event with anticipation or excitement. It was just another thing on my list. During the event, I had a great time, but these feelings would surface the next time around. I know this seems lame, but this is truly where I was. However, I persisted.

The New Twist

On our first walk together Livia and I talked about the feelings around adding things to an already weighty daily list. She said, “What if you considered it a ‘joyful anticipation’?” I have taken that to heart. I have spent time rewriting my story about the value of face-to-face friends in my days and when I should make that happen.

In fact, I had to drive one hour today to have lunch with my old high school friends. I have been up to my neck in canning this week. I still have pears and apples to do. But when I saw it on the schedule, I didn’t feel that old worry that this was going to take the better part of my day, which it did, and I had so much to do. I looked forward to it. I felt joyful anticipation.

This also happened today with my morning walk, which was a bit delayed because when you walk with others you sometimes need to be flexible. Another perk of this five-year lesson. : )

How is it working out?

I have learned what “If you wait it will be too late,” means. I have good self-care practices that I have been using daily for years. However, the stress in my life as a caregiver has increased. They aren’t always enough. It has felt like parenting seven kids with a husband on the road, again. LOL So having relationships that help relieve stress is a must.

What I have put into place in the last three years is making a huge difference and I am proud of myself for staying the course, doing the hard thing, and seeing the results!

So, what have I taken away from this Five-Year Lesson?

My Five-Year Lesson Take Aways

1. Wherever we are in life, we need heart-to-heart and face-to-face connections. We need them NOW, not later when we have more time, fewer kids at home, less hours at work, or are old and alone, etc.
2. These types of relationships need to be worked into our lives. They happen when we are intentional and consistent. We must plan or it won’t happen.
3. Feel joyful anticipation. This is a choice. Remind yourself why you are doing this.
4. These planned and consistent encounters can and will make a difference in our mental, emotional, and physical health, both now and long term.
5. You do not need a lot of these types of friends. One can be enough if you connect consistently. However, having a few is always good.
6. These kinds of friendships take time and effort. Begin. Don’t wait. Put your safety net in place now.
7. It will be worth the effort!

If I can learn this lesson, so can you! We will all be healthier and happier for it.

You Are What You Think About and Focus On

In 2003, my world turned upside down when my daughter, Jenny, was hit head-on by a drunk driver going the wrong way on a California freeway. Five years later, I wrote an article about Jenny’s journey and how she turned a major head injury into a life worth living. Another eleven years have passed, and I have watched my daughter live these words – You are what you think about and focus on.

Jenny’s sixteen-year odyssey is powerful. If you find yourself frustrated, angry, discouraged, resentful, sad, feeling less than, or any number of other difficult emotions, then this is a true story for you.

After a struggle with drugs, Jenny got clean, changed friends, and was one semester shy of graduating with a bachelor’s degree. All that came to an abrupt halt when she was hit by the drunk driver.

In May of 2012, Jenny’s first five years as a brain trauma survivor ended when she graduated, not just with a bachelor’s, but with her master’s degree in speech therapy, a skill she had learned to value as she regained her ability to speak after her accident. She set out for a new life, in a new city, at a new job, helping other people put their lives back together.

On that amazing day, it was wonderful to sit in the auditorium and watch her walk across the stage. It was overwhelming to see all the people who had come because they loved our daughter and wanted us to know what a successful job we had done raising her. It caused me to do some serious introspection. We did do a good job of raising our children; not a perfect or pain-free job, but the best job our knowledge allowed. We know this from the fruit – seven loyal, kind, adults with integrity.

But when I think of Jenny, I know that her recovery from an accident that left her unable to walk, think of the word for shoe, orange, etc., track conversations, manage social cues, or remember anything, was due to her preparation for life. Let me share her secret for living well, no matter the circumstances.

Take control of your thoughts!!

When I was at Jenny’s home the week of her graduation, I noticed quotes on the walls in every room. They were the fodder for her recovery; they showed the core of who she had decided she wanted to be long before her accident. She had begun choosing her thoughts in her late teens. This didn’t prevent her from taking a hard road to adulthood, but it helped her stay alive and hang on to values on how to treat others until she could put into practice what she wanted her life to look like.

After Jenny’s accident, these thoughts, which she had seen and read every day of her growing up, got her through. They had become part of the fabric of her thinking. Brain trauma is hard. It makes normal living a lot of work, but to finish college and go on to have a successful career helping others, well, that was a miracle of persistence, faith, and the beliefs she had fed herself for decades.

Let me share some of what Jenny had posted on her walls.

If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.
Life is not about finding yourself; life is about creating yourself.
“When I started counting my blessings, my whole world turned around.” Willie Nelson
When we strive to become better than we are, then everything around us becomes better also.
Live generously, love passionately, and be all that you want to see in the world. Shine your awesome love and light on all around you with no strings attached. Do it just because it’s who you are. Love is your nature. Sow it in your mind. Plant it in the world and enjoy the thrill of seeing love multiply and spread. All for love and love for all.
I’d always heard that your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all – it stretches on forever like an ocean of time. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad in a world where there’s so much beauty. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much; my heart fills up like a balloon that is about to burst. Then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold onto it, and the beauty flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure, but don’t worry, you will – someday. (From the movie American Beauty)
“I’ve learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.” Martha Washington
Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows fall behind you. A Maori Proverb

During my almost 74 years, I have learned that we have a choice in life. We can choose how we are going to react in any circumstance. I recall reading Victor Frankel’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, as a teen, and I have never forgotten him saying “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Despite facing an addiction in those early days, Jenny had chosen to look at life through a lens of light. She was working diligently to get control of her life by choosing to embrace happiness no matter how hard the day. She was making every effort to control her thoughts!

Jenny didn’t engage in negative conversations. She wouldn’t verbalize the bad but chose to talk about the good. After the accident, she would not say an unkind word about the other driver. She said that she wished him well, that she hoped for joy in his life. She knew the struggle he was facing, one she was conquering. She wasn’t going to waste one minute on anger. She embraced what she had posted on her walls.

Change your thoughts, change your life.

Controlling your thoughts can change your life completely. We all can choose our response in every situation. Accepting personal responsibility for our lives and not blaming others, money, time, or circumstance makes all the difference in the quality of our lives. When you give up being a victim, you free yourself from whatever has you bound.

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Choose your words because they become actions.
Understand your actions, for they become your habits.
Study your habits, for they will become your character.
Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny. Lao Tzu

Jenny has proven this to be true!

I, like you and my daughter Jenny, must work daily to maintain this way of thinking and living. It is a practice, and it takes work every day. My walls are hung with things I want to understand and live better. Next week I will share some of those thoughts, beliefs, and quotes with you. I hope you will take some of the words of wisdom that Jenny and I choose to look at each day and put them on your walls because what you surround yourself with, what you choose to think about and focus on, does make ALL the difference.

You Are What You Think About

and Focus On

Today Jenny works in senior and rehab centers helping others who have experienced trauma learn to speak again. She and her husband, Brett, have an online Christian ministry, Humans of Surrender, helping those who struggle with addiction to find help and embrace God. They have a beautiful church on their wooded property called Grace Wood where everyone is welcome. From traumatic brain injury to a life of service and love is an amazing journey proving once again, that when you control your thinking you can change your life. Jenny is adamant about one other thing and I agree – When you add God and Christ to the mix of managing your thoughts, you have better outcomes. : )

How To Enjoy Life More, Even When It’s Hard

Today, although there are things I could share that would be less time-consuming to write and less emotionally draining, I am telling you about my morning. I am sharing this experience for a reason. After several decades of working on two principles, they can still trip me up. They are also stumbling blocks for many moms I talk with. I have written about them often, and I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but this is pivotal for our happiness and our ability to parent and relationship well.

What is so challenging to manage?

1. You are 100% responsible for your response, regardless of circumstances or other people.
2. Control your story. You are not a victim!

Yeah, they make me feel annoyed, too. : ) A few decades have passed since I learned about number 1. After learning this principle, I was angry for ten years because how could I be totally in control of my response when my husband and kids kept doing and saying stupid stuff? And then there were the neighbors, the government, and a chaotic world.

I didn’t know anything about number two for at least fifteen years after learning the first principle. I had lived as a victim most of my life, from childhood, when I was a victim, right into my late fifties. It was frankly, if not a happy place to be, comfortable. Figuring out how to change my thinking in both areas was going to be a lot of work, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

This morning is a perfect example of the two principles above, the work required to live them, and the result of both living and ignoring them. I hope you won’t be bored. I also hope it may ring a bell or turn on a light. : )

It has been a whirlwind at my home since the beginning of December. I got all my Christmas baked, wrapped, mailed, and delivered, including the friend and neighbor gifts. Then I helped two very old and ill friends get theirs done. I have a 53-year-old special needs friend who needed me to help her with a couple of things. I was glad to assist her, but it took time and effort. On Wednesday, Don and I traveled from one end of the Salt Lake Valley to the other and from one side to the other to connect with dear friends we only see every few years. It was a delightful but completely exhausting day.

During these early weeks, we all had the flu, and you know what that entails for the women in charge, sick or not. : ) Jodie’s kids were all ill, as was she, but she still had to work, so I was on deck for a portion of each day. I had to care for Mom and Don. We have all recovered, for the most part, but it has been a long two weeks. By this Friday, I was done in and ready for a break.

Friday night I dropped into my chair at about 8 pm to look over the Saturday schedule, only to discover that we had a church Christmas Breakfast at 9 am, and I had promised to take a family of older people who would normally not attend. We care very much about this family, but seeing this on the calendar, I came unglued. I felt so angry. I yelled that it was too much.

What frustrated me was that in my mind, I thought I was done and that today, Saturday, was going to be free, except for writing my article, which I hadn’t even started on. This is something I try to avoid by writing a little each day but here I was, not only going to need to write an article, create a newsletter, and record a podcast, but now I was going to have to get my own family up and out of the house by 9 am, pick up another family, do a lot of smiling and talking and then come home and do this big job I had left to the last minute!!

Well, I sat there fuming that my life was too hard, I had too much to do, nobody else did their share, and on and on. However, it was bedtime, so I had to shut it down and move on. Fortunately for me, I have a system to ‘dump’ the stuff out of my brain and I know how to meditate myself to sleep, so fifteen minutes after lying down, I was asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I was still ticked off. Why me? Why another big day? It wasn’t fair. I didn’t want to feel this way, but I did, and I didn’t have the energy or time to work it out. I got my family into the car, picked up our friends, and drove to the church.

It was going to be OK though, because I could at least sit and eat, right? I could rest since I wasn’t in charge of anything and wasn’t doing any cooking or serving. It didn’t turn out that way. The event was very well attended and the line to serve yourself breakfast was long! I got my plate and my mother’s and helped my older friends. After about twenty minutes, we all sat down, and I ate a grape. All I had was fruit and yogurt because the main dish was filled with pork, a food I cannot eat. Another thing to be bummed about. However, I like grapes. As I picked up my second grape, Jodie asked me if I could sit by Maggie so she could get a plate.

If you think the line was long when I went through, it was double that for Jodie. Over thirty minutes later, she finally returned. By that time, I had fed Maggie my yogurt, rolled her over to watch the movie Polar Express, and tracked down Santa so she could get a photo with him. Jodie finally came back with a plate. However, neither of us got to eat!

It was time for the children’s nativity play, and Maggie was the Heavenly Star, so Jodie put her costume on and got her on stage. I had gotten some more yogurt, but the family I brought were ready to go home, as was Don and my mom. So, I drove them home.

Here is the important part of this morning’s story.

There I was bringing an older, ill couple to the party and Don and my mom. Saint, right? Then I stood and fed Maggie my yogurt. Feeding a child who eats mostly from a tube in her stomach isn’t the easiest thing to do. Saint, right? And I didn’t get to eat, but made sure those older people I brought got home when they were done in. Super saint, for sure.

Well, as I was helping everyone up and out to the car, my friend, Bunnie, leaned over and said, “You are such a wonderful person. So gentle and kind,” or words to that effect. I looked at her and replied, “Don’t give me too much credit. I am feeling angry and annoyed.” Another friend at the table, who also helps care for these elderly friends, looked at me quizzically and said, “Angry?” I replied, “Well that isn’t the right word, more like irritated and annoyed.” Then I smiled lamely and shepherded everyone out to the car.

I responded the way I did because the whole morning, I was continuing the very negative conversation from the night before, in my head. You know, the one I mentioned before – Why me? Why another big day? It isn’t fair. I should be able to eat. Why do I have to get up early and go to bed on time? Why can’t I be a lazy bum? Why can’t someone else be kind and do this stuff? I have too much to do, nobody else does their share, and on and on. Bunnie’s comment, which was meant as a sincere compliment, was a punch in the gut.

Doing The Work

Now, to be honest, the whole mental conversation wasn’t negative. I was making an effort to get a grip on my story. At one point, while feeding Maggie, I went over the things I had managed in the last two weeks and I asked myself questions, “Did anyone make you do this? Could you have not done it? Why did you? Were you afraid to say no? Was your self-esteem on the line? I answered each question honestly, as I have practiced for decades. Ultimately, I knew I chose each of these things because I wanted to. It’s my way of being and I like how I am. There was no one or any circumstance to blame. I had consciously made choices that fit with what I wanted my December to look like. Ok, I was making progress with number 1.

Nevertheless, it was a back-and-forth, emotionally challenging mental conversation. I knew when I got home, I would need to do some more work to manage number 2, controlling my story. I could go for a walk and yell until I was done yelling. I could smile, even if I didn’t feel like it, because it still releases endorphins. I could go home and do a dump write and then crumple it up and throw it away. What I choose to do is the tool that works best for me. I prayed. I dumped on God because I knew He wasn’t mad at me when I acted lame. : ) Then I began asking God to help me sort out why I felt distressed. I had helpful thoughts. I had been ill. I was overly tired. I did need a rest, but I still had work left to do, write to you. : ) I got my story straight.

As I finished my prayer, I knew I still had emotions to manage and I spent the next couple of hours, as I cooked a wonderful lunch for my family and began working on this article, doing just that.

How do I feel now, at 4:45 pm? I still have lots to do to finish this article, the newsletter, and the podcast. But I feel OK. There isn’t anything I have done in the last two weeks that I wouldn’t do over again, by choice. I know that I have done my best to care for myself. I went to bed on time more days than not. I got up early and did as much of my morning routine as was feasible. I dumped the junk before bed and slept well. I took a day off when I was ill.

I’m not angry, irritated, or annoyed anymore. I know who I am. I know why I was emotionally challenged. My story is straight. I’m not blaming anyone or anything. Tomorrow is Sunday, a Sabbath for me. I will rest, and then I will prepare for next week.

You can see the work I had to do over an evening and much of a day, to get my head straight about my story and my responsibility. It took work, but I got the work done.

Here is the result.

Last night and this morning I felt angry and annoyed. I couldn’t enjoy my friends or being with people. Now, I am at peace. I feel happy with myself and the kindnesses I have been able to share. I feel somehow rested, even though I am facing a few hours of editing and recording. I am at peace with myself, my family, my friends, and the world.

When we choose to accept responsibility for our responses, when we let go of blaming anyone or any circumstance; when we ask honest questions and get our story straight, we will find ourselves happier and more at peace. This allows us to parent from a better place and to manage our relationships with better outcomes.

Each of you has had a couple of days, weeks, or even months like mine. Each of us must learn how to control the story and how to take responsibility for our responses.

As we do, we will enjoy life more, even when it is hard.

A Response to This Article and a Tender Mercy

Personal Growth When Life Turns Upside Down

Jams and Grahams – a Caregivers Story of Personal Growth

Last week I shared a tremendous story of how my sister maintained her sense of value and happiness and was able to problem-solve effectively during a very stressful experience. Today I want to share one more that is equally amazing. This happened on Christmas day, 2022, so I wanted to share it before we were too far into the new year.

My sister Rozanne’s husband has had two strokes. They have upended their lives. Some days can be very challenging. As she said, “Since the second stroke, it has been six months of ‘adding in and letting go,’ of various expectations, for both of us.”

Christmas was not the same. There were no gifts under the tree they had purchased for each other. It wasn’t something her husband was capable of, and she had been busy taking care of Christmas for her grown family and others she loves and cares about.

Nevertheless, we want to carry on with traditions, so on Christmas morning Rozanne placed a bow on a box of jam that she had purchased for Daryl. He loves jam. She chose not to wrap the box, only adding a bow. At this challenging time, she had been practicing letting go of what had seemed important in the past but that she now knows is unimportant. After all, since her husband’s stroke what was necessary and important had changed a lot.

The box of jam looked lonely sitting there. Then she remembered Daryl had asked his son, Kenny, to buy a box of graham crackers for her, because he knows she loves them. They were in the kitchen cupboard. She went to the kitchen and retrieved the box of crackers and placed them under the tree next to the jam. Into her mind came these words, ‘Jams and Grahams,’ a Caregivers’ Story of Personal Growth. As a full-time caregiver, I can relate to my sister’s experience!

You see, life isn’t static. It changes. Sometimes the change is exciting and pleasurable. Sometimes it requires that we manage our story and in turn how we choose to feel.

The Rest of the Story

My sister could have mourned the changes that Christmas morning, but instead she took charge of the story, and the result was joy, not sorrow. Let me share the rest of the story and you will see what I mean.

Daryl was happy to see two gifts under the tree. He took his bottles of jam and put them in hiding. : ) As my sister walked to the kitchen to put her graham crackers back in the cupboard she noticed that Daryl had taken the bow from his jam package and placed it on her cracker box. My sister said, “The picture in my mind of that sweet gesture, will remain in my thoughts, for the rest of my life.”

This year, choose to suffer less. Choose to remain in control of your stories. Write them in your mind in a way that lifts you, no matter what happens. You are 100% in control of your response to whatever comes your way. You can’t control everything that happens or how others behave, but you can control your response.

Here’s to a ‘Character Building’ New Year full of personal growth.

How To Have Better Outcomes

I received a call from my sister, Rozanne. She was giving me an update on a difficult situation in her life. It was such a profound example of taking responsibility for your responses and choosing to let go of suffering, I asked her if I could share the experience with you.

I know how important perspective or the story that we tell ourselves in any given situation is. I have learned how to take control and have gotten good at doing it. It requires lots of practice. Each time I am triggered in any way, I stay out of blame, and I seek the facts, not what I feel, but what is true. Often there are few facts and many assumptions.

I have also learned that when we blame, complain, or stay in the negative, it is harder to problem-solve and get a result that blesses us. Often, we choose to suffer. I learned this lesson over time. You can read about it HERE.

Anyway, back to my sister’s experience. I think you will see both life principles at work. You will also see how using them made a huge difference in her outcome.

My sister had a new job and was working part-time. After being there a short while, one of the supervisors had to take leave due to ill health. Rozanne was bumped up to full-time.

Quickly my sister noticed that there were many unkind things being said about the supervisor who was on leave. Most felt she was not on the level and was taking advantage of the system. Rozanne, when caught in one of these conversations, would reply, “You don’t know that.”

At the end of 2022, the supervisor was scheduled to return to work after being gone for five months. Rozanne was going to lose her full-time position which paid $900 a month. She was given only a couple of days notice of the coming change. Her husband has dementia and they had gotten used to having the extra funds in their budget. $900 was a huge cut in their total income. Occasionally, this thought would come to her mind, “This isn’t fair. Maybe she is using the system. I should fight this.” However, she would not engage with this thinking. She threw it out and replaced it with this, “I’m glad she’s better and can come back. I know I will be taken care of, and all will be well.” Rozanne decided to trust God and take control of her perspective. She began looking at her options to recoup the $900.

The week the supervisor returned, Rozanne was asked to retrain her. Wow, how would you feel about that? Rozanne had to work to keep her story positive. She was determined to be a blessing to this woman who had been out sick for so long. She had no facts or reason to believe that the supervisor had done anything wrong.

Here is the truth.

We get to choose how we see things. It is a choice. You have 100% control over your responses even when you cannot control the circumstances. My sister believed this.

The day before the supervisor’s return, a coworker who would be working with the supervisor and Rozanne said, “Well, I may have to work for her but I’m not going to speak to her.” Rozanne asked her why not? The worker replied that this woman had taken advantage of the system and so she wasn’t going to be nice to her. Five months is a good amount of time for a random piece of gossip to really take root.

Rozanne asked her co-worker other questions which were thoughtful and kind. After her questions and her co-workers’ responses Rozanne leaned in and gently said, “You really don’t know,” Her coworker thoughtfully responded, “Well, I guess that’s true.”

The next day the return of the supervisor and her retraining went well. She and Rozanne had great conversations and smiled a lot. Rozanne showed her how to do a couple of tasks in a more efficient way and the woman followed her lead and was grateful.

The coworker Rozanne had spoken with the day before was a new woman when she came to work. She was kind, smiled, and had a good conversation with the returning supervisor. Rozanne said, “I was rather shocked by her delightful countenance toward the Supervisor, but our conversation may have contributed to her change of heart.” It was a pleasant day for all three women. They had made it a good day by choice! They chose the perspective or story they would attend to in the situation. They stayed out of the negative, they choose not to suffer.

Here is the rest of the story.

Rozanne knew she had to make up the income loss. There would be some income from the part-time position she was returning to but the amount would change weekly as she would be on call. She chose not to count that in her budget. She wanted something more secure and stable.

Rozanne teaches exercise classes for the elderly in her city. She has certifications and many years of experience under her belt. She had a thought that she should request a raise. She was teaching four classes weekly and making $90 per class. With the current cost of living, she felt a raise to $125 dollars per class would be reasonable. This was a scary thing for her to contemplate doing but the thought was clear. She went to her computer, sat down, and drafted a letter. After a moment of consternation, she hit send. Within minutes a reply came through that her request for a raise had been granted. WHAT!!!

Later that day she received a letter from the government that her husband’s Social Security had been raised by $100 and hers by $75. Things kept happening and within 48 hours Rozanne had replaced the whole $900.

Was this a lucky break? Was it a coincidence? NO. I have lived this and so has my sister. She took control of her story. She stayed out of blame and the negative. She looked for answers, remained calm and trusting, and took a step. It was a scary step, but she took it. God had her back because she was living true principles.

Rozanne was blessed as she took control and stayed out of victim mode, and this blessed others. The supervisor was welcomed back. She had a wonderful day and could move forward with confidence. The coworker learned the value of letting go of gossip and controlling her story. She had a lovely day and will now continue to support the returning supervisor and will help put gossip to rest. And Rozanne, well she had a great day also, and because she remained positive and was willing to step out in faith and trust, her problem was resolved.

I know this story was long, but it’s important. I have three happiness commandments posted on my wall. They are based on true principles, that when lived, help us let go of suffering, control our responses, and live better lives.

1. Be a Pollyanna. Look for the good. Trust that it is there. Stay out of the negative.

2. Clean the ditch. Farmers know that despite their best efforts ditches get clogged with
garbage. They must be cleaned out regularly so that water can reach the plants and they can grow. It is the same with our thinking.

3. Let go of suffering. Suffering is often a choice based on our perspective, our story. Take the time to clear your mind and look at the facts. Build your story around those facts and then add all the positives you can.

These three ways of being drastically changed my life and if you will use them as my sister did, and as I do, they will change your life too.

Let me end with what Rozanne said to me at the end of our phone conversation. It is worth printing and hanging on your wall:

“Sometimes Heavenly Orchestrations feel like mud! But they work out if we have faith because mud is filled with nutrients and nothing can grow without it.”

Let the Gifts You Have Mastered Count

Yesterday, after an hour’s drive, I spent the day helping a friend clean and organize her garage. Wow, it was a hot day, punctuated by a downpour, in the afternoon. I got to work with her sons which was a treat. They did good. : )

At one point, my friend asked me if I ever got tired of being called on to clean and organize other people’s messes. Fair question. She felt bad for asking me to help her. But I responded with this. “Would you feel bad asking if I played the flute? Would you ask me to play at a funeral, a wedding, or in a parade? Would you be hesitant to ask? No, because it would be my talent. What I do is no less a talent, and I am glad to share it when possible. What I do isn’t any less valuable, just less showy. So, when asked, I use my talent to clean and organize.”

I have thought a lot about this conversation. Here it is in a nutshell. I am excellent at three things that make me a superior organizer and cleaner: consistency, focus, and a sense of order. I can’t take any credit for these three things. I was born with them. I know you will want to argue this point, but I have lived in my skin for over seven decades. I was this way as a small child. I was born with these gifts. I can’t take credit.

Here is what I can take credit for.

I practiced every day, for decades. Sometimes I did better than others but over time, I became a master. I can take credit for that.

That is how talents are. We have a natural propensity for something – fishing, dance, playing an instrument, comedy, gymnastics, football, cleaning and organizing, planning, listening to another’s grief, gardening, cooking, caring for the old or ill, connecting with children, the list is endless. Some take this natural gift, and they use it regularly, they practice, and they become masters. Others don’t and although they have a gift, they don’t become masters.

Case in point

I was a very talented dancer. I thought about going to Europe to study. I read books about dance, and I danced my little heart out. One of my teachers said I was gifted, and I was. I could have pursued this goal. However, I discovered that as good as I was, it wasn’t the thing I valued most. So, I let it go and I’m glad I did. In dancing’s place, I have a family of seven accomplished children. I have a marriage that is filled with love after 51 hard and sometimes brutal years. I have learned much about charity, humility, and a generousness of spirit. It has been these other things that I pursued that have led me here, to who I am today.

What natural gift have you honed? Look closely. If you think you have let your life slip away and that you haven’t pursued your dreams, look again. What gift have you perfected over the years that serves you and others and feels more valuable than what you let go of? Celebrate that! Stop feeling like a failure.

I am a success. I change people’s lives; not in a way I thought I might, decades ago, but in the way that has lifted me and others, that has changed me and deepened my soul.

Let the gifts that you have devoted a lifetime to perfecting count!

Our Stories Shape Our Lives – Part 2

Do you ever feel like you do everything, and everyone else in your family sits by and watches! I know that feeling well. Last week I shared an example of how powerful our thoughts and the stories they create are in the happiness we experience in life. Today I want to share another example.

Back in 2015, before my mother came to live with us, there were two people living in our home, me and my husband, Don. Our children were out building their own lives, so the workload was less, but I was still taking care of most of the “family” stuff. I did most of the dishes, cooked most of the meals, did most of the cleaning and laundry.

I decided that I needed more help. I discovered that Don would fold the laundry if I put it in a basket on the couch. We had a conversation about meals, and Don determined that he would cook on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, my busiest days. He began vacuuming more often.

In the laundry room, there is a clothes hanger. When outer clothes are washed, they are taken straight out of the dryer and hung up. Saves on ironing! The challenge was getting the hung clothes from the laundry room to the bedroom closet.

After our talk, I noticed that Don was taking the hung clothes to the bedroom closet. That is, he was taking his clothes. I observed this phenomenon for quite a few weeks.

Each time I noticed that he had hung his clothes in the closet and that mine were still in the laundry room, I would feel a slight twinge of irritation. After all, when I hung the clothes in the closet, I would take them all, his and mine. After a few months, I began to feel something besides irritation. It was easy to allow thoughts such as these to enter my mind: “What, doesn’t he think that I matter?” “If he cared, he would put all the clothes away.” “Is he just trying to make me mad?” I recognized this place – story land – and I have learned that there is very little happiness there.

Take Control, Don’t Allow Negative thoughts and Stories

So, I did what I have learned to do, I wouldn’t allow those thoughts to fester in my mind, and so I asked Don about it. “Don, when I put the hanging clothes away, I put them all away, yours and mine. But, I noticed that when you put the hanging clothes away, you only put yours away. Is there a reason for that?”

You would laugh if you could have seen the look of confusion on his face. It was priceless, and he said, “Well, don’t you have your clothes in some kind of order?” Boy, I got it right then, and I began laughing. My closet would have been a maze to my husband. All my clothes are hung in order of color and type of garment. My new story – he was doing me a BIG favor by not hanging my clothes in the closet!

We have more control over our thoughts than we realize. We can choose which thoughts we are going to hold in our minds and which ones we will get rid of. It takes some work, but you can learn to control your thoughts and the stories that they create.

Good Relationships Flourish When Stories are Positive

When you hold thoughts about what you want rather than what you don’t want, you can improve your family relationships in some significant ways. Want to read a fantastic example of how one mother completely changed her relationship with a “problem” child by simply changing her mental story about him? It will enlighten you, and I hope it gets you thinking about your stories and how they affect your family dynamics.

When you lose control of your thoughts, you lose control of your life.

6 Steps to Take Control of Your Thoughts

Identify – Begin by identifying your daily negative thoughts. Write them down. Have a notebook to keep track of them or try journaling.
Say NO – Don’t allow the thought to stay in your mind and turn into a story.
Rewrite – Immediately change the negative thought into a positive one. For example, if you wake up thinking, “I am so tired!” immediately say out loud something like, “I am going to have a terrific day.” You don’t have to believe it; just say it.
Vocabulary Counts – Use positive language. Not “I am not going to yell,” but “I am calm.”
Facts, not Assumptions – If you have negative thoughts about an experience or a person, don’t make assumptions; get more facts. Ask!
The benefit of the doubt – It helps to believe that people are doing the best they can. They usually are even when it doesn’t look like it.

As we learn to control our thoughts, we give our children a considerable gift. They will know that they are responsible for how their lives look and feel. It will give them a leg up in the world and their relationships.

Change your thoughts and change your world. Norman Vincent Peale

Do you want a tool to help you begin taking control of your daily thoughts? If you do, reach out, and I will send you a worksheet to get you going on the road to better family relationships.

Our Stories Shape Our Lives!!

Stories shape our lives!

I am talking about the stories we tell ourselves about other people, their motives, our children, what happens to us, and so forth. These stories are written by what we think, our thoughts in pictures. I am a believer in this by experience, not theory.

In my one-on-one mentoring, I often remind a parent that they have control over how something is going to feel and look based on what they tell themselves.

I want to illustrate what I mean by sharing an example with you.

A few years ago, at the county fair, my husband bought a stovetop grill. He was anxious to try it out. The next day was Sunday, and we had church meetings that would take all morning. Following church, we had an important wedding reception. A DO NOT MISS event!

Knowing my husband well, I said, “Don, you won’t be able to grill chicken tomorrow after church; it will take too long. We need to come home, eat something quick, and get to the reception.” I know he heard me because he was looking at me and nodding his head. Does this sound familiar so far?

As I slipped into my last meeting for the day, I noticed that Don was nowhere to be seen. I knew immediately what had happened. He was skipping out to go home and grill that chicken! Sure enough, as I walked into the house, there he was grilling, sorta. The chicken was still totally raw. He had seasoned it and gotten everything ready. Then he had to heat the grill, and he was just putting it on when I walked in. Ok, so you probably know what was running through my mind. “He never listens to me” or “He doesn’t care a fig about what I say” (interpretation – He doesn’t love me!). We got to the reception as they were taking the tablecloths from the tables.

I have had tons of experience with this idea that we shape our experience and how we will feel based on the story we tell ourselves. So, I took control of my story and put it on hold until I could get more facts. That evening I asked my husband, “Don, yesterday I mentioned that there wouldn’t be enough time to grill chicken. I can only see two reasons that you might have gone ahead. One, you didn’t listen to what I said, or two, you didn’t care what I said. However, I know you, and you aren’t insensitive, and you do care about my feelings, so I am wondering what the third option might be.” (There is always a third option.)

He looked at me in total sincerity and said, “Well, I just thought I could do it if I came home early.” I knew at that moment what he said was true. He did think he could do it and was surprised when he couldn’t. By taking control of my story, I saved us a lot of hurt feelings, maybe even a big fight, and more importantly, the erroneous idea that he doesn’t love me, hear me, or care, which would continue to color all our future interactions.

We are 100% in Control

When we control our thoughts, then our stories are better, and our results are happier. In my next blog, I am going to give you an even better and much funnier example. So, stay tuned!

Have you had experience with this idea of taking control of your thoughts and the inevitable story they create? How does using this information look in your family?

No One Can Take Away What You Put In Your Mind

I recently finished reading The Choice. The author, Dr. Edith Eva Eger, spent part of her teen years in Auschwitz. She shares things she learned while there, after she left, and while working as a psychiatrist with other trauma victims. It was gut-wrenching and not a pretty read. I had to endure a bit of foul language. It went with the territory.

I could relate to many things she shared, as I have also experienced trauma. I could affirm many of the healing tools she spoke about because I have used them.

One that has made ALL the difference for me in the latter part of my life is encompassed in a phrase Edith’s mother shared all the time and which Edith carried into the concentration camp – “No one can take away from you what you put in your mind.”

I know from my own experience that this is true. We can choose our story no matter what is happening. We can choose to forgive. We can choose to love. We can decide how to respond. We can think negative thoughts or positive. We can choose. Our ability to choose what goes into our minds is the greatest gift we have been given on this earth. It makes ALL the difference.

We don’t need to be dealing with trauma for this to be true. It is true every day, in every situation. It is true as we deal with friends, family, and even enemies. It is true in abundance and scarcity. It is true in sickness and health. It is always true. What we think about and how we frame it determines our lives, whether we are growing or dying, whether we are happy or dissatisfied, whether we are contributing or not.

You change your story by controlling your thoughts. You manage your emotions by controlling your narrative. When you do this, you take more positive actions, and you get better results.

Tips for Better Thought Management

Here are some tips to begin to master your thoughts and hence, your responses. I have been using these tools for the last fifteen years, and I can promise that it will change your life if you use them.

TIP 1—Take responsibility and stop blaming
Blame is an indicator there’s a problem with our way of being or how we perceive what’s happening, or in other words, our thoughts.

TIP 2—Decide to think the best of others
The key to overcoming the natural man’s tendency to assume the worst about others’ motives is not to polish our apology skills nor learn to control our anger and frustration. Rather, the key to overcoming this destructive behavior is to question our story. Examining the negative story we tell ourselves . . . causes us to consider alternate explanations for their apparently hurtful behavior. To accomplish this, ask yourself one question: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?” Or, if this is too unwieldy, ask, “Why would a decent person act this way?” (McMillan, “Master Your Stories and You Master Your Life”)

TIP 3—Choose words wisely
Dr. Wayne Dyer has said, “What’s in you is what comes out” (“Why the Inside Matters”). It’s true! Pay attention to the words you say in frustration, sorrow, and anger; you’ll get a good idea of what you’re holding onto in your subconscious mind.

TIP 4—Keep practicing
Managing your thoughts and putting good things in your mind is something you need to do daily. There isn’t a point when you’re so good at it that you can stop working on it. Negative thoughts will come, and they’ll need to be managed.

Dr. Eger was able to survive the concentration camp because she controlled her thoughts. She held on to the good and let go of the bad. She remembered the joy and dismissed the pain. It all took time. Some took a lot of time, but as she persisted, she was able to heal.

Thoughts and the resulting stories are powerful in determining our happiness level. When my granddaughter, Mary, was six, she loved to watch the fish in our tank. We have a very sleek, silver catfish that swims fast and erratically whenever anyone stands in front of the tank. I believe the fish does this out of fear or because it has been disturbed.

One day Mary asked me, “Do you know why this fish swims so fast when I’m looking at him?” I replied, “No, why?” She responded with, “Because he likes me!” Like all of us, Mary gets to write the story, and her story makes her happy. And for all I know, her story may be as valid as mine.

You can find more tips and some amazing true stories in Chapter Five of my book Becoming A Present Parent: Connecting with Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. It is worth the read!