Category: Personal Growth

STOP Living in the Fog of Ignorance

One morning a woman arose early and sat by her large front window and watched an incredible sunrise as it lit the valley in gold. She observed the shadow of the night moving out of the way of the suns rays as it rose slowly over the mountains. She could feel that it was going to be a beautiful day and it filled her heart with gladness.

But as she looked across the valley she noticed that there was a thick blanket of fog covering most of the city. She realized that despite the promise of a beautiful day none of those living in the valley could see it. They had no idea that the sun was beautiful and the air was clear and the sky was blue. All they could see was the grey fog that surrounded them.

What a great metaphor for the lives of many parents.

When I began parenting it wasn’t exactly as I had envisioned. It was harder. I knew there must be a way to enjoy my children more, to feel less resentment. I knew that there must be a way to remain calm. But I was lost in the fog of ignorance.

I’m using this word in the classic sense – lack of knowledge, information or awareness.

At first, for me, it was absolute lack of awareness in the area of remaining calm with my children.

I grew up in a good family and we loved each other but the way we dealt with conflict was not healthy. We yelled. I watched my mom and dad yell and my aunts and uncles. It was what you did if you were angry, if kids weren’t complying in the way you thought they should, if money was tight, if a spouse made a mistake or if circumstances didn’t match what you expected.

It took me a full ten years to even come to an awareness that yelling might not be the best way to handle things. At some point, I began to suspect that there might be a different way as I observed other families. But it came to a head for me when my neighbor walked across the street and handed me a brochure on anger management!

After I became fully aware that I needed to change this particular behavior I remained ignorant for a time because I lacked knowledge and information on how it was even possible to manage your emotions. I believed at that time that responding to emotion as I did was normal. I believed that my yelling was caused by my kids, my spouse, money, other people and circumstances I couldn’t control. It had never occurred to me that how I responded was not determined by what was happening or who was involved but was totally within my control.

Fortunately, I heard this statement in a church class, “If there’s a problem, it’s your problem.” Let me tell you that made me so MAD and I didn’t believe it was true!! Over the next few years, I was fortunate enough to find other pieces of information that helped me begin to see that I could take responsibility for my emotions, maintain calm, and manage my response. The fog began to lift.

As I learned new things I applied them and my life began to change. The sun came out and I could see that it was going to be a beautiful day.

Many wonderful parents live in a fog-filled valley in one way or another.

How can you be sure you’re doing it right? How can you remain calm? How can you connect when life is so busy? How can you manage disappointment, frustration, and negative thoughts? How can you see your children in a better light? How do you let go of resentment? How do you get past so much family contention? How do you keep your home clean and orderly? These are just of a few fog-filled places in parenting and when we don’t know the answers to these and other questions it’s harder to see the sun and know that it’s going to be a beautiful day.

What I see many parents do as I mentor is to attach blame to themselves. They just aren’t good people in some way or they would know how to do it better. But they aren’t bad people; they are ignorant and need information and knowledge about what it takes to resolve their particular struggle. And then they need to implement that knowledge and begin practicing.

Sometimes parents blame their children. If they just weren’t so noisy, uncooperative, messy, naughty…and the list goes on. Sometimes they blame money or each other or their circumstances.

As parents, we need to stop assigning blame for the difficulties we have in our family and seek out information and knowledge that will help us manage better. We can get that information through good books, parenting events, social service organizations, and mentoring with someone who has accomplished what we want to be able to do better.

We have to choose to climb out of the fog-filled valley and into a brighter day. It is always a choice that we have and we can learn to make that choice more often.

Here is something you can begin to do today that will help clear fog out of your family no matter what your current struggle?

Take responsibility and stop blaming. When we choose to tell ourselves stories that blame others, we decide to become victims. Victims parent poorly.

Blame is always an indicator there’s a problem with our way of being or how we perceive what’s happening.

One mom I worked with had this enlightening experience as she began taking responsibility for her own feelings and responses and stopped blaming.

She told me the following:

“I opened the dryer door only to discover wet clothes. Jonathan (my 14-year-old) didn’t press the start button when he transferred loads. I was three words into my grumble when I heard myself say out loud “Oh, I’m so glad I checked the dryer.” The next words were of understanding, with a deep feeling of love . “I’ve done this same thing before .” This whole cycle took under 3 seconds, and it happened without me really thinking about it. Wow, I’m amazed.” April H., WA

When you find yourself blaming something or someone outside of yourself STOP and ask this question – How am I choosing to respond and what would be a better response? As you practice you will get better and better at choosing your response no matter what the circumstances are.

April, who had struggled with negative thinking had begun to climb out of the fog of blame and she was discovering that the sun does shine and that it can be a beautiful day and you can discover the same thing for yourself.

What is your experience with learning and implementing something new and then coming out of the fog? Please share because we are all looking for a new bit of information that can help us do the same. : )

GROUP MENTORING

I will be hosting a four-week GROUP mentoring session and you’re all invited. If you really want to take your parenting and family happiness up a notch then this is something to consider.

Calls will be held bi-weekly on Thursdays. They will be recorded for later playback. Each call will consist of training on a personal growth as a parent topic and then will have a Q&A. Calls will last from 1hour to 1 ½ hours depending on the Q&A.

Join the Group

I can help you experience less resentment; enjoy being with your children more, have more connected relationships, less stress, less overwhelm, and greater inner peace. I can help you become more of the person and parent you really want to be.

“I so much from you…I wish you knew…the difference you are making. It really feels like deep, sustainable changes. I am enjoying more happiness…I’ve done plenty of mentoring/classes/energy work/ self-help, etc., and my husband told me a few months ago that this was the best I’d ever spent.” Stefanie Miller

Join me and experience a relationship transformation

You can learn more about climbing out of the fog in my new book Becoming a Present Parent, Connecting With Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. Knowing the difference will help you let it be enough. You can also receive a chapter from the book on Touchpoints, creating points of connection rather than having points of contention, FREE by visiting becomingapresentparent.com It can be life-changing for your family. I promise!

You’ll Jinx Yourself!

The flu season is here! So are the cold season and the pneumonia season. A few Sundays ago I stopped at a neighbor’s home to drop something off. We chatted at the door for a few minutes and guess what came up? You guessed it – how many people are sick.

As I was leaving my neighbor said, “Be careful and don’t get sick.” I replied, “I won’t. I never get sick.” Her immediate and emphatic reply was, “Don’t say that. You’ll jinx yourself!”

I’ve been thinking about that and here is what I know for sure – Our voice is the most powerful voice in the world, for us. What we say out loud to ourselves over and over again is what our mind and body begin to believe. I repeat whenever possible, all winter long, “I never get sick.” And you know what, I rarely do get sick.

Recently, I was at an event with almost 500 other people. Of course how much illness there was in the city came up a few times. In one particular conversation, one of the staff said, “Well I’m impervious. I never get sick.” I believed him because what we say to ourselves is really powerful.

You’ve all heard this old saying or something like it, “What you say is what you get.” It’s true.

If you talk negatively about your children you will see them in a negative light no matter what they’re actually doing. If you say “My kids are driving me nuts,” they’ll drive you nuts. If you say “I can’t stand my kids today,” or “My kids are so sloppy, messy, noisy, naughty, and so on,” that’s what you’ll get.

If you speak unkindly about yourself you’re going to feel bad about yourself. If you talk negatively about your circumstances and possibilities the outcome will be more negative than you would like. “I’m bald so I look older.” “My hips, thighs, tummy, whatever, is too fat.” “I have so many wrinkles.” “I am not a fun mom/dad.” “People just don’t like me.” “Nothing goes my way.” “Life is so hard.” “I’m just no good at math.” “I can’t seem to hang on to a dollar.” “My families too poor, there’s no way I can go to college.” “I could never learn to do that.”

Many of you may have a difficult time accepting that we draw to ourselves the things we focus on and say to ourselves. I used to have trouble believing it myself. In fact, the thought that is was all my responsibility made me so mad! But I couldn’t shake this new idea and over time I came to know the truth of it.

If we want better outcomes, we need to watch our words. Say what you want, not what you don’t want.

Here are some steps to help you generate more positive outcomes in your life:

Take responsibility and stop blaming
Decide to think the best of others
Choose words wisely
Practice thinking and speaking in more positive terms, no matter how the situation looks.
Don’t stop practicing no matter how long it takes to see results.

There are others but these will get you started.

Know how we really jinx ourselves? We do it when we talk negatively about ourselves, our lives, our circumstances, our possibilities and the people we come in contact with. If you want better outcomes, if you want to be happier, if you want life to feel and be better then begin confessing what you want.

“I never get sick!”

??? Feedback, please. Are you where I was some years ago. Does this make you mad? Or have you moved along this path far enough to have experienced what I am talking about? Let’s talk about it.

P.S. You can learn more about taking control of your self-talk in my new book Becoming a Present Parent, Connecting With Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. Knowing the difference will help you let it be enough. You can also receive a chapter from the book on Touchpoints, creating points of connection rather than having points of contention, FREE by visiting becomingapresentparent.com It can be life-changing for your family. I promise!

You NEED a Short R&R List!

My sister is a very over-worked school teacher! The other day she was lamenting how hard it was to find time to relax and rest. She is at school from 7:30 until four thirty and sometimes later. Then there are papers to grade and she still has a family to feed and a home to run. A few weeks ago she asked me how I find time for R&R. I may not be an overworked school teacher but I have a job, I write, run an online business, do personal mentoring, manage a household and live with grandchildren. I understand and live the difficulty she was asking me to address.

So I gave her my short R&R list: I take a shower every evening just before I go to bed and put lotion on my feet. I told you the list was short.

I’m on the far right, back row and 16 years old.

I began this little ritual when I was sixteen years old. I worked at my dad’s drive-in restaurant after school and on Saturdays, went to public school every weekday, had loads of homework, and was very busy in my church. Oh yes, did I mention I was the oldest of nine children at the time and trust me that comes with a large share of work and responsibility. Some days it was almost impossible to find time to rest and relax…if you could even find a private or quiet space in our home to rest and relax in.

So I began taking a bath and putting lotion on my feet each evening after the littler kids were in bed. It was wonderful and my parents, sensing my need, didn’t give me grief about water (a precious commodity in an 11 person household) or for tying up the bathroom.

Once I began I never stopped. It doesn’t matter how tired I am, how much is still left to do or how late it is. I always give myself this one thing even if I can’t give myself anything else.

I’m sharing this because my sister was surprised that I put taking a shower on my R&R list. I mean it’s a very plain, everyday, ordinary thing that most people do. Right? Here is the difference. I do it for the express purpose of caring for myself and so it doesn’t feel ordinary or everyday to me. It feels loving.

And therein lies part of the problem when we work to carve out some rest, relaxation or alone time for ourselves in a family. Many people look for something out of the ordinary – going to a movie, a few days away, a date, etc. They look for something that gets them away from home and responsibility, kids and noise.

But as I have said before, if we think of taking care of ourselves as being child-free, away from home, in quiet, then most of us are going to get precious little of it.

How can we care for ourselves right where we are, in the thick of parenting? We need to get creative and we need to manage our story about what is required to care for self.

One of my good friends had a unique solution. She had a treat box, up high, which no one knew about. When she needed a break or the feeling of being cared for she would go to her room, take down the box and have a handful of licorice bits, one of her favorite treats. It took only a few moments. She smiled when she told me about it. It gave her real pleasure to have this little secret, this small piece of R&R.

Here are a few other things that I do to care for myself:

1. I read in the bathroom. I don’t know about you but I know I am going to be in that room at least three times a day. And right next to the toilet is a large basket of books and magazines. I may only get to read one or two paragraphs before someone knocks on the door but I love those few moments of reading. It feels restful, rejuvenating and makes me smile.

2. I sit down and shell peanuts. It gives me a reason to stop what I am doing and sit for a few moments as well as have a treat. Most of the time, I have grandkids shelling right along with me. You might think that that would negate the feeling of self-care but it doesn’t because I know I am deliberately allowing myself to sit and rest and have a treat. It feels like self-care because I have decided it is – kids or no kids.

3. I also crochet. It’s calming to me. I can do it without thinking. Noisy kids and chaos don’t matter. It’s relaxing in the midst of family. When I engage in this activity, I know I am caring for myself because I am sitting down and doing something that I enjoy. I don’t usually get more than 10-15 minutes but it’s enough. Quiet and aloneness aren’t required.

Here is what I hope you are beginning to understand:

Being alone and in quiet are not always required to feel that you are caring for yourself
Self-care can be ordinary, nothing special
Self-care doesn’t have to cost anything and can happen right where you are, in the midst of family
The story we tell ourselves goes a long way to making an activity feel like self-care

I hope you get away now and then. But even more, I hope you will begin practicing self-care right where you are. Write down your own short list. Then be consistent in doing the few things you have written down. It doesn’t have to be every day, like a shower/ bath but they all need to be things that you can do at the drop of a hat, even with your family all around you.

As you practice you will find it easier to be patient, you will feel less resentment and you will have happier days.

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

??? What do you do when you want to care for yourself and you have huge responsibilities, loads of work or very little time? What do you do when you want to care for yourself and you have a house full of children? I would love to know and so would my readers. We could all use suggestions. Please leave a comment and share what has worked for you.

P.S. You can learn more about seven ways to get better self-care in my new book Becoming a Present Parent, Connecting With Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. Knowing the difference will help you let it be enough. You can also receive a chapter from the book on Touchpoints, creating points of connection rather than having points of contention, FREE by visiting becomingapresentparent.com It can be life-changing for your family. I promise!

Assumptions Can Lead To Frustration

Do you ever have conflict with your children? I did. Know what I learned?

Often it was because they didn’t know what I wanted or what my expectations were. I assumed they knew. They should have known but the sad fact was that they didn’t.

My father used to say this all the time…When you assume it makes an a _ _ out of you and me. I hated that saying but unfortunately it’s true. When we make assumptions about what another person knows and understands we often find ourselves frustrated, angry, sad and the list of feelings goes on.

Today I want to share a poignant story with you that happened over the Christmas holiday. It could have happened to me or you but it happened to one of my sisters.

An Assumption Gone Wrong!

I have five sisters and we communicate with each other on a video phone app. In early December Rozanne made a video and we could all tell she was fit to be tied!! Mad as a wet hen!! She went on and on about the marvelous Christmas memory she had set up for her grandchildren by putting a wealth of wonderful games and books under her tree and how they had carelessly and thoughtlessly behaved.

She said that she had scolded them all, taken all the toys away and that the grandkids were so confused.

Now the children she was talking about are all fairly young. The behavior she spoke of seemed age appropriate to me. I mean, if there are unwrapped toys under the tree they are to play with, right. I was confused. What had she expected they would do with those toys? If I, as an adult, was confused about how they should have behaved how in the world could they not be confused?

Here is the story in Rozanne’s own words.

“I decided to put activities under the Christmas tree for the grandkids to enjoy. I did this instead of gifts because 23 grandchildren can be expensive and frustrating to shop for. I preferred to instill in their hearts a memory of Christmas fun at Grandma’s house.

I lovingly placed several coloring books, cardboard pop up books, activity books, etc. under the tree. I added several items from years past, such as a wooden puzzle my son made when he was in school and card games like Crazy Eights, Go Fish and Rummy. There was a pouch of finger puppets, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, etc. There were several Christmas storybooks including my favorite ‘The Gift of The Magi’ which is older than any of my 23 grandchildren. I anticipated all the children would create meaningful memories with one another.

To my chagrin, I was continually frustrated with the careless handling of the treasures I had thoughtfully placed under my beautiful Christmas tree. What was wrong with these kids!!!! Books were scattered on the floor or left in another room. Finger puppets were tossed under the tree and where was the Pouch?!? My youngest granddaughter proceeded to scribble on every single page of the coloring books. I began using the irritated mommy voice with my precious little angels. I’m sure I yelled a few times too.

Finally, I realized I hadn’t given my grandchildren any instructions or explained my expectations. I came to this realization after I had frantically removed every last item from under the Christmas tree to SAVE THEM from the horrible, no good, very bad grandchildren. That was a hard pill to swallow after feeling justified in my indignation.

After thinking about it for a few hours I felt sad. I put every item back under the tree and explained to the children why all that stuff was under there in the first place and the rules for using them:
• Put them under the tree when you’re done
• Only use them in the living room
• Play gently
• Share
Things went much better after that.

Over the years, I have weeded many things out of my holiday planning. I was always hoping to envelop everyone involved in my bubble of expectations but it became overwhelming and took away from the joy of the holiday.

I thought this simpler plan would accomplish the same as all my over the top projects of the past but my kids and grandkids simply were not on the same page as I was. I hadn’t let them in on what my expectations were. All they knew was that there was a pile of cool stuff to play with under the tree. Taking the time to give a simple explanation and a few instructions made all the difference in the outcome for the rest of the month. Memories were made, joy was felt and I am still Rozanne, the fun Grandma!”

Often when I’m mentoring an angry or resentful mom or dad, as we dig into what is actually the problem, this is what comes up – they just hadn’t made sure that the child or children in question knew what was required or expected.

It’s wise to understand that your kids don’t always know what you want. Even if you think they do or that they should know it’s wise to reiterate and make sure. If you take the time to do this you’ll have less frustration, feel less resentment and you will, as a family, have more joy.

Has this kind of thing happened to you? Please share your experience and what you have learned.

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

I WILL BE SPEAKING at the Winter Homeschool Conference on January 27, 2018, in Layton, Utah. This conference is designed to support and rejuvenate home educating parents who want to thrive, not just survive the homeschooling experience. You don’t have to be currently homeschooling to attend! I will be speaking about Process vs Outcome. Knowing the Difference Can Change Your Family. If the topic resonates with you I would love to have you join me.

You can learn more about monitoring your expectations in my new book Becoming a Present Parent, Connecting With Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. You can also receive a chapter from the book on Touchpoints, creating points of connection rather than having points of contention, FREE by visiting becomingapresentparent.com It can be life-changing for your family. I promise!

A New Way of Being for the Coming Year

A few years ago I came home and on the counter was my blender…filled with flowers. I loved the flowers but I couldn’t understand why they were in the blender!!

When we moved last time I really downsized. I kept only two vases. One was filled with plants I am rooting. That left just the red one under the sink…too narrow of a neck for the flowers I found on my counter, in the blender.

I took a minute and stood in the middle of my living room and thought about what I might have that I could put this big, beautiful bouquet of flowers in. I mean, I couldn’t leave them in the blender. Right? Only a man would put flowers in the blender! Right?

I have a curio cupboard filled with stuff. In the cupboard, I discovered a beautiful clear, glass cookie jar. It was perfect for the flowers and the arrangement looked so nice.

Here is the thought that I had when the flowers were arranged in that beautiful, glass jar:
“What’s wrong with Don? He could have found this jar just as easily as I did. Why in the heck did he put those flowers in the blender? Men!”

Now in my past life, this is what would have happened when Don got home:
Hi Don. Thanks for the flowers. They’re beautiful but why did you put them in the blender?”

“Well, I couldn’t find a big enough vase.”

“Honey, there was a glass jar right in the curio cupboard. You can see it as well as I can. You just have to look. Anyway, thank you for the flowers. I love them.”

Ladies, does this scenario sound familiar to you? I am sure it does. Here my man brought home flowers but he would have gone away feeling unappreciated for his efforts and me, well, I would think that despite the fact that he brought home flowers, he was kind of lame for not putting them in something pretty, instead of the blender. In fact, I would have thought he was sort of lazy for not taking the time to find anything else.

Fortunately, I had time to think this through before Don got home and I am old enough to have been down this road many times in the past. I was looking for a new road! Here is what I realized. He wouldn’t have been free to use that glass jar even if he had seen it. Why? Because he wouldn’t have known if it was an antique or just stuff. If he had used it I might have come home and said, “Gee Don, why did you use that. It was Great Aunt May’s and it’s worth a lot of money. Why do you think it was in the curio in the first place?” I’ll bet this sounds familiar to many men. They just can’t do it right.

I was telling this story to a friend the other day. She nodded her head and said, “My husband is always saying, “Can I do anything right for you? Anything?” Gee, Don has said that to me! It isn’t that they really can’t do anything right. It’s really about complaining because it isn’t done the way we think it should be done.

This is the bind that our husbands and our children find themselves in quite often. They do the best they can but it just doesn’t make the grade and we let them know it. I propose that it’s better, more often than not, to just accept what is offered without complaint or criticism.

For example:

•Your husband brings flowers home, can’t find a vase, and so he puts them in the blender. Kiss him soundly and say, “Thank you so much, sweetheart!”
•Your 12-year-old son does the dishes without complaint. When he is done you notice that he hasn’t swept the floor so you point it out. “Sigh”, this comes from the son. It would be better to give a quick hug, say thanks and acknowledge that the job was done without complaint. Then, if you must, at a much later time mention that when he does the dishes next time would he please sweep the floor.
•Your husband helps the kids with their baths. There is a lot of laughing and good times going on. When they are done and in PJ’s and sitting on the couch you huff out of the bathroom because there is water all over the place and the towels are on the bedroom floor. You do one of two things – march into the living room, angry that you are again stuck with cleaning up, and loudly ask everyone to go clean up the floor and hang up their towels or you stay quiet and just put on your martyr face so that HE knows that you are upset. It would be better to join everyone in the living room, even if for only a few minutes. Give some quick hugs, thank your spouse for a job well done and then quietly wipe up the floor and hang up the towels. Later, in a day or two, if you must, you then ask him to wipe up the floor and have the kids hang up the towels next time, please, with a smile.
•Your five year old sets the table for dinner. He forgets the napkins and two plates don’t have forks. He comes to you beaming from ear to ear and lets you know he has done the job. You point out that there are no napkins and forks are missing. The job gets finished, the smile is gone. It might be better to give the five-year-old a big hug and ask him if he wants to learn how to fold napkins in a really cool, new way. Sure he does. You show him how, help him do it and now there are napkins on the table. You quietly put on the two missing forks. Later you have a Family Learning Time and everyone practices setting the table.

There are three things I am pointing out:
•Sometimes it’s wise to just accept the job as is and be grateful. No complaining!
•Timing in teaching is everything. We all want to feel valued for what we do even if it isn’t perfect.
•Even though we want our family to do their best, their best isn’t always going to be our idea of “best”. That’s OK.

Let’s all practice a new way of being in the coming year. Let’s all complain less and be kinder. I think we will like the results. I know our families will!

What do you think? True or not? Doable? Leave a comment.

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

I WILL BE SPEAKING at the Winter Homeschool Conference on January 27, 2018, in Layton, Utah. This conference is designed to support and rejuvenate home educating parents who want to thrive, not just survive the homeschooling experience. You don’t have to be currently homeschooling to attend! I will be speaking on Process vs Outcome. Knowing the Difference Can Change Your Family. If the topic resonates with you I would love to have you join me.

P.S. You can learn more about parenting with gratitude in my new book Becoming a Present Parent, Connecting With Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. Knowing the difference will help you let it be enough. You can also receive a chapter from the book on Touchpoints, creating points of connection rather than having points of contention, FREE by visiting becomingapresentparent.com It can be life-changing for your family. I promise!

A New Years Gift for You

In the fall of 2014, I decided that I wanted to focus on a spiritual goal for the year 2015. I wanted something that would increase my personal relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ and that would give me courage and direction for what I needed to do in 2015. I gave it a great deal of thought. I did some serious ‘knee time.”

Then in late September I read a short article, meant for youth, about how to have more effective prayers. I have been praying for over 67 years but there was a new idea in the article. It said to make a list before you pray. Yup, think about your prayer and actually write stuff down before you pray.

This idea sunk deep into my heart and I determined that I would do this every morning. I have prayers at night too but I am usually tired so I save this for my morning prayer.

I think about what I want to pray about and I make a list. When I am praying I open my eyes occasionally and look at the list so I don’t forget anything important. This is what the list looks like:

• What I am grateful for
• Thoughts and actions that I need to repent from
• People I want to pray for
• My own concerns and desires, both spiritual and temporal

What Has CHANGED

• The first thing I noticed was that it took some time to ponder and get input from the Spirit as I made my list each morning or sometimes weekly.
• The second thing I noticed was that the depth of my prayer and the time it took changed. The Spirit is much stronger, I am moved more often and my prayers have gone from a few minutes to…well sometimes, pretty lengthy. I have gone from talking “to” God to talking “with” God. It has become more of a conversation. I talk, I listen, I feel and then He talks to me.
• What I mean by He talks to me, is the third thing I have noticed. I get impressions about things that I need to do during the day. Sometimes it’s for me, concerning the desires or problems that I have. Sometimes it’s something that I need to do or say to someone I prayed for. Now I always have a notebook and pen when I pray so that I can capture my thoughts and then follow through as quickly as possible. The minute the impression comes I write it down, yes, right in the middle of the prayer. : )

The RESULTS

The whole process takes more time. I have had to get up a bit earlier. But the results have been quite remarkable. Here is what I have experienced:

• I have more peace even when a day gets out of my control
• I have many more impressions for my own life that make the day flow well. Turn here, don’t do that, why not do this, try this….and on and on. I think what has actually changed is my ability to hear the Spirit. I have probably always had this many impressions to help me in my day but I haven’t heard them. Now the time I spend in reflection and prayer in the morning seems to have opened my “spiritual” ears.
• As I follow these impressions my day goes better. My positive results are increased. I feel supported and, frankly, deeply loved.

I hope that there is something here that will sink into your heart and that in the New Year will change your life. If there is it is a gift to you from me. I am still using this tool for more effective prayer three years later and it is still working.

If you have a terrific plan for the new year, if you have a spiritual goal or a kindness goal, or any goal for that matter, why not share it with us so that we can all be edified and grow together.

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

I WILL BE SPEAKING at the Winter Homeschool Conference on January 27, 2018 in Layton, Utah. This conference is designed to support and rejuvenate home educating parents who want to thrive, not just survive the homeschooling experience. You don’t have to be currently homeschooling to attend! I will be speaking on Process vs Outcome. Knowing the Difference Can Change Your Family. If the topic resonates with you I would love to have you join me.

A True Short Story of Christmas and Personal Growth

“Whose is this one mom?” Seth held up a porcelain joker dressed in purple and red satin. “Oh, its one of mine, but you can have it.” He seemed pleased that I would let it go so easily; I was giving it to him along with 25 or 30 other beautiful ornaments gathered over the years.

As I watched him gleefully pack them up to take to his new home, my mind drifted back many years, to another home and another Christmas memory. The ornaments were scratched and old and many made by children’s small hands. I thought they were ugly and wondered why our tree couldn’t look like my friend’s trees with beautiful balls and ribbons so artfully hung.

The lights were in a box, a huge tangled mess. I could hear the tension between my mom and dad over those lights; she thinking, “It’s not a big deal”, and him promoting more organization and care in packing them away.

I vowed that my tree would never be like this. I would have beautiful ornaments. No little children would put them up, all clumped in one spot. The things they made would go on low branches or in the back or better yet on the refrigerator. My tree would be beautiful!

The presents under our family tree were ugly too. You could tell that kids had wrapped them using masking tape and very little skill. My friends had beautifully wrapped packages from large department stores under their trees. Ours were well worn, with the gifts inside poking through the corners where little hands had rearranged them too much. Never mind that I myself had moved them about over and over again, it wasn’t going to happen when I had a family. The packages would be beautifully wrapped and artfully placed under the tree and then left alone!

It looks far better at 67 than it did when I was 15.

I kept those vows to myself. I began to gather Christmas, beautiful ornaments purchased for half price the day after Christmas. The lights were always perfectly wrapped at the end of each season. Nothing was bent, broken or mutilated! As the years passed the decorations increased and were more beautifully arranged than ever until we had a ‘Better Homes and Gardens’ house (well, as much as that is possible with seven children). It was truly beautiful and admired by many.

Little hands were pushed away and little faces scolded for touching the packages and rattling them close to little ears. Sometimes, those same little hands were allowed to put ornaments on the tree but they were later rearranged so they looked better. All the packages had pretty ribbons and straight edges where little hands had been helped too much to do the job, and more years passed.

Lights on, music on, finally allowed downstairs.

Little by little I found my heart softening as I began to love my children’s hands more and the things of Christmas less. But now they were bigger hands and into them, I put the job of decorating. Perhaps things weren’t done just as I would have done them but it just didn’t seem to matter. All was a little less artfully arranged and the packages weren’t as fancy. Gone was the Better Homes and Gardens house. In today’s world, it would be a Pinterest house. I just wanted to please my children and not the world.

As the last ornaments were packed up and Seth and his little family left, I was brought back to the present. It had cost me nothing to give those trappings away to him. My heart was not attached to the things of Christmas as it had once been, but only to the grown child going out the door.

I realized that I had been gathering a new kind of Christmas, the kind from many years earlier in the home of my youth, where busy little hands had been allowed to touch Christmas and shake it and squeeze out every exciting moment of it.

I understood what I had missed as a youth, that Christmas has always been about little hands; the little hands of the Christ-child reaching towards his mother’s sweet face that first Christmas night. His little hands were lovingly guided and allowed to learn until they were grown and reached out to the whole world in love as he gave his life on the cross.

As I thought about where I had been and where I had come to I saw that now I was able to offer Christ a special gift; a heart full of love for little hands and a knowledge of the need to nurture them; a heart free of the worldly trappings of Christmas; a more Present heart.

2014 – A few of the newest ‘little hands’ in our growing family.

Addendum

I originally wrote this piece for a magazine over 30 years ago. Then it was published online In December of 2011. This year I asked my children to read this article and comment. I did this because I have been coming face to face with the reality that no matter how we feel we did or are doing as parents, in our children’s eyes it is far better than we think.

Here are a few of my children’s responses:

“I LOVE Christmas. I love everything about it. I loved our traditions and all the wonderful things that we did. It was a beautiful time and I have only fond memories.”

“Well, I didn’t know how much it meant then, but as an adult, I realize that my deepest childhood joys are wrapped up with Christmas. I do not even care if there are things under the tree, it is just vital to my happiness that there IS a tree, full of ornaments. This year, I have my elaborate decor about and there are three lovely Christam bags with tissue paper hanging out under the tree. The bags are empty, but it doesn’t matter because the look of Abundance is there and it makes me feel so full! I think as kids that is what it did for us. It was the time of the year where our house felt abundant and luxurious. It still brings me such joy.”

“Although you felt like you were controlling the decorating aspect you filled with so many other things. You made time to include all our school classes, gingerbread houses you spent countless hours preparing so we could make one for our childhood enjoyment, the cookie plates we took to neighbors and friends, Christmas parties for the ward and our friends, and so many other things. You even saved the shuffle ball ornament for 20 years, that my friend Brooke Powell made me in 1st grade… It went on the tree every year and so many other things. Even though you rearranged them after we put the decorations , the tree is the memory I hold, because it was a tradition for us. We knew you rearranged them but I don’t think any of us cared. We had an awesome Christmas house. I remember my friends loving it so much…”

You won’t and, frankly, can’t do everything right. You are after all, still working on becoming the best person and parent that you can be. But if you consistently do the small and simple things that really matter, if you never give up then trust me, it will be enough!

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

P.S. You can learn more about nurturing little hands, doing the simple things that really matter and how to keep working on becoming a better parent and person in my new book Becoming a Present Parent, Connecting With Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. Knowing the difference will help you let it be enough. You can also receive a chapter from the book on Touchpoints, creating points of connection rather than having points of contention, FREE by visiting becomingapresentparent.com It can be life-changing for your family. I promise!

Say NO to New Years Resolutions!! Tools to Make Next Year Better

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Many of you have been with me for some time now. We’re friends in learning. We’re seekers together. I want to thank you for the past few years of association by giving you some real tools to make next year better.

Start by saying NO to ineffective New Years’ Resolutions!!

The year is almost gone! I’ve been thinking about the last year and I’m satisfied. No, I didn’t get everything done I wanted to do. No, my life isn’t always peaceful and put together. But, I have learned a great many things. I have made some significant changes in my own way of being this year. I have done some work that matters. I’m content.

My One Action Step to Make Next Year Better!

Now I’m facing a new year and I have determined that I want to flow into the New Year gracefully and move through the year making needed changes, learning and again, ending this year with a sense of satisfaction. So for the past few months, I’ve been taking that desire to the Lord and asking him for some guidance. I have phrased it this way, “What is the one action step I could take this year that would make the most significant change for good in my life?

You will notice I asked for an “action” step and only one of them. I have learned from 60-plus years of New Years’ Resolutions that there is a tendency at the end of the year to take note of all the weaknesses, imperfections, and losses and then create a huge list of to-dos for the next year, to fix all that stuff. I’ve also learned that this is a recipe for failure.

I have come to believe in and act upon the 1% principle; that when you make the correct 1% change it exponentially expands that change for good in your life – it affects not only the 1% you were focusing on but all the rest of your life as well. I have also come to understand, through experience, that focusing on my strengths and successes and then seeking divine guidance helps me clearly see the correct 1%. No more New Years’ Resolutions for me based on what hasn’t gone well during the past year.

I went through this process of discovering the correct 1% in 2013 and here is what I came up with – Stop complaining! I didn’t realize I was complaining so much.

This year, as I pondered my work in the area of complaining I realized that I have made some progress but I’m still not where I would like to be. So I again went through the process of discovering the 1% for this coming year – Be more grateful. Hmmm, I thought I was grateful. Back to the drawing board. : )

Three Steps to Change

There are some steps that are helpful to know in order to really make change stick and not feel discouraged in the process.

Awareness of what to change. Now that I am aware of what my work is for next year, be more grateful, I can see when I mess up. Wahoo, progress. It looks like this. You mess up, recognize the mess up after the fact and then decide how to do it differently next time. When I find myself feeling ungrateful I will remind myself what steps I have decided to take to be more grateful and then I will commit to doing that next time.
The second step looks like this. You mess up and in the middle of the mess up, you recognize it and stop and redo right then. So eventually, when I have an ungrateful thought or am beginning to complain, I will be able to stop and rephrase in a more grateful way.
The third step is that you think about messing up and you don’t! The time will come when more often than not when I feel ungrateful and want to complain I won’t. I will change my thoughts and focus on what I am grateful for.

Each step takes time – weeks, months, and sometimes years. We have to give it what it takes.

Because I know the steps I can see that I am already making progress and it isn’t even the new year yet. I am on my way to success!!

The Tools in a Nutshell

Here is a summary of the tools for a better coming year in a nutshell:

• Stop focusing on what you didn’t get done in this year. Stop looking at all the problems that still need to be resolved. STOP!
• Look at all the successes you have had this year no matter how small. Make a list of at least 10.
• Ask your Higher Power for ONE action step for the coming year, a step that can make a big difference in your personal life.
• Hold that thought no matter how insignificant the change may feel to you.
• Make a commitment to work on that one thing all year long.
• Understand that the first step in change is awareness. When you mess up and then recognize the mess up, rejoice. You are in the first step. Don’t stress about how long you stay on step one. Don’t quit!
• Know that when you can stop in the middle of a mess up and redo right then, you are in the second step.
• Change has happened when you can stop the impulse to do the thing you want to change and instead do something better!
• Repeat the process at the end of the year in preparation for the coming year.

May each of you have a remarkable coming year filled with movement toward personal happiness.

Your friend and mentor,
Mary Ann

I WILL BE SPEAKING at the Winter Homeschool Conference on January 27, 2018, in Layton, Utah. This conference is designed to support and rejuvenate home educating parents who want to thrive, not just survive the homeschooling experience. You don’t have to be currently homeschooling to attend! I will be speaking on Process vs Outcome. Knowing the Difference Can Change Your Family. If the topic resonates with you I would love to have you join me.

A Book Review to Celebrate National Non-Fiction Month

November was National Non-fiction month. As an author of a non-fiction book, I decided to celebrate by reading and reviewing Cherri Brooks Teaching Children About Sex.

Last week I gave a presentation to a group of mothers called BEING ALL IN. I shared ways that help parents be ‘all in’ despite the difficulty of the job of parenting. The number one tip was to parent with intention. I know that when we have a concrete plan for what we want our families to feel like and the values we want to instill we get better results.

Cherri Brooks book can help you teach your children about sex with greater intention. When it comes to teaching about sex I know from experience and talking with others that we usually fly by the seat of our pants. Not a very comfortable way to navigate a difficult subject. Usually, we have the ‘big talk’ breathe a sigh of relief and think we are done. But if that is our approach then the results for our children might not be as successful as we hope.

Brooks has written her book from a Latter Day Saint (LDS) perspective. She has shared how looking at the LDS temple as a sacred house of worship and then comparing that to our bodies can give us some wonderful guidelines as we teach our children about the sacred nature of their bodies and sexuality.

Many of my readers are of the Latter Day Saint faith and many more are not. However, the bulk of my readership has a faith they participate in and many, if not all, revere a temple or other place of worship. I am sure that anyone of faith can and will relate to Cherri’s ideas, despite any doctrinal differences (they will be few) and that making the effort can really help you become more intentional as you teach your children about this important and beautiful part of human relationships.

The focus of the book is to teach appropriate sexual behavior with the correct attitude. Brooks reminds us that sexual behavior is personal conduct and that sexuality is an attitude. This little book will help you study the topic of sexuality so that when your child has a question or you need to address the topic, you will have the knowledge you need to answer in the best way possible for you and your child.

Section 1 covers building a sexual educational foundation at home. Many parents leave that to the public school system but most would do more at home if they knew how. We are, after all, the voice that we hope our children will hear and follow. In section 1 Brooks reminds us that our bodies and those of our children are temples and deserve the same respect and care. She discusses how our attitudes can color how our children feel about sexuality despite the words that we say. Many times children see and feel more than hear what we tell them. Finally, she gives some compelling reasons to begin teaching our children about sexuality early and how this can pay dividends as our children enter puberty. She gives clear directions for preparing ahead and planning effectively.

Section 2 concerns age-by-age sexual education. It is broken into 3 phases:
Phase 1 – Curious Learners (0-5)
Phase 2 – Concrete Learners (Ages 6-8 and 9-11)
Phase 3 – Conduct Learners (Ages 12+ and Premarital)

This section, besides great information on each age group and their needs, contains sample questions and answers that would be age appropriate, as well as value statements for each question. They may not reflect your personal values but will help you identify and then teach yours. There is also a list of conversation starters that are age appropriate. A real help for parents!

Section 3 covers special topics that children are hearing about as they navigate their world and which parents may not know how to effectively address:
Homosexuality
Sexual Abuse
Harassment
Rape

What I really liked about this book was that it was easy to read and understand. It was simple in its approach. It was written in a manner that was clear and easy to follow. The information about children and how to approach conversations about sex at each age level was so helpful! Brooks has wonderful real-life examples that most of us will relate to.

Cherri Brooks has done her homework and her book will help you do yours.

Cherri is giving away 5 copies of her book this month. Be sure and enter because you could be a winner.

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Teaching Children About Sex

by Cherri Brooks

Giveaway ends December 21, 2017

Enter Giveaway

You can read some thoughtful and informative articles on teaching your children about sexuality and sex on her blog.

You can connect with Cherri Brooks on her Facebook page.

Why not check out her author’s page on Amazon where you can purchase her book in both paperback and Kindle.

Cherri Brooks grew up with an aspiration to be an author. As a child, she practiced typing on an old, clunky DOS computer. She found her passion for parenting and healthy sexuality through her education at Utah State University, where she earned her BS and MS in Family and Human Development. She also taught courses at South Dakota State University in Marriage and Family Relations and Parenting. She loves talking with parents about raising sexually healthy children. She currently lives in Clarksville, Tennessee with her husband and three children.

Another way that I am celebrating National Non-Fiction Month (November) is to give away five copies of my own book. You still have plenty of time to enter and win. The drawing happens on December 21st. No strings. No list. Just the chance to win and become a more Present parent.

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Becoming a Present Parent

by Mary Ann Johnson

Giveaway ends December 21, 2017.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

Is self-care and having children mutually exclusive?

We often think of taking care of ourselves as being child-free, away from home, in quiet. But if that’s the definition of self-care, most moms and dads are going to get precious little of it.

When we’re looking for alone time, we need to get creative. How can it be managed right where we are, without expending too much money or time? How can it be made doable even with small children? There’s always a way to care for yourself right where you are.

Here are three examples of how parents got creative in order to take better care of themselves. They’re about moms but this applies equally well to dads.

Experiment 1

Deon was feeling burnt out and needed a way to have space away from her family when she felt over the top. In one of our conversations, she told me about her bedroom. It had a lovely window seat that looked out onto a green field. The problem was it was the messiest room in her home. So together we came up with a list of things that she could easily do to make it an inviting space.

She cleared all the stuff off of the window seat and got a basket for her husband to put his stuff in—so it would stay cleaned off. She made changes in how they managed the laundry, so it wasn’t always piled on her bed. She painted a wall. She added her favorite books to the window seat.

Deon talked with her family. She told them that when it became difficult to react the way she wanted, she was going to her room to regroup for 5 minutes. She would take a personal time out. She asked for their support in allowing her to do this when she needed to. They all agreed to help her out. (Yes, she does have a couple of small children.)

When Deon is on the verge of exploding or ceasing to be the adult, she retreats to her bedroom. She sits in the window seat and looks out on the field. She breathes deeply; she may read one or two paragraphs in her book. Then she heads back out into the fray. She’s managing better, her kids are happier, and her husband is relieved. This experiment has had a positive impact on all of them.

Experiment 2

Amy has multiple health issues that tax her strength and resources for parenting. She expressed her desire for alone time each week so she could paint and write, feel better, and get a handle on her health.

Finding time wasn’t her only issue. She also has a child with serious health problems. Amy worried that if she took time away from her family, something might come up with her ill child and her husband wouldn’t be able to handle it
.
Nevertheless, she was willing to try an experiment. She asked her husband if he would take over for two hours a week, in the evening, so she could write or paint. He was open to the idea.

Amy chose a room at the other end of the house, away from the family room where her husband and children would spend their time. That way she could have her quiet time and be close at hand in case of an emergency.

The first week was a grand success. Amy was frankly impressed with her husband and was surprised that he managed so well without her. She was equally surprised that her kids managed without her. She’s been doing this for a while now. It’s given her husband an opportunity to be with the kids, and she’s been able to fulfill her need to write, paint, and have time to herself. The whole family is happier.

Experiment 3

Melanie has a large family, and her husband is often gone. She wants time to be by herself and read. She asked me how I find time to read because I raised a large family and now I live in the same home as my grandkids.

I mentioned to her that my bathroom was my retreat. I shared the simple things I’ve done to make it a sanctuary. A beautiful picture hangs on the wall. My favorite colors are in the shower curtain and rugs. A vase of flowers sits on the floor. Most importantly, there’s a basket of fabulous books and magazines next to the toilet.

When I go into the bathroom, which is at least three times a day, I read one to three paragraphs. Occasionally I’m lucky and get a whole page. You’d be amazed at how much you can read in a year, one to three paragraphs at a time.

Melanie decided to give it a try. One of her worries was that her bathroom was always so messy because of the kids. When she began putting it to rights, she discovered that almost all of the clutter was hers. She devised simple systems to keep her stuff corralled. She added flowers, a new rug, and a basket of books. At last report, she was enjoying her mini-moments of peace and reading. It has made her feel more taken care of, and she’s happier with her children.

You’re going to spend far more time with your children than you’re going to spend without them, so it’s imperative to learn how to self-care while you’re in the thick of parenting. It’s simple, it’s doable, and it takes small amounts of time and virtually no money; but it can and will pay huge dividends.

Self-care can be as simple and plain as having a cup of herbal tea while you read to your children. It might be taking a few deep breaths while soothing a screaming child. You could turn on your favorite music and dance in the living room with your kids. Add laughter!

Self-care can be taking a walk with your children to take the edge off the day. Sitting in the swing and watching your children play can give you fresh air and a breather from all that you’re feeling pressed to do. Go to the bathroom more often if that’s what will buy you a few moments alone.

When you’re on the edge of losing your temper, getting irritable, or feeling resentful, ask yourself what you need to stay in control. Pay attention to yourself.

What are the creative ways that you use to find some time to care for yourself? I would LOVE to hear about them.

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

GREAT NEWS!!!!!! Just in time for the holiday season. On December 21st I will be giving away 5 copies of Becoming a Present Parent via a Goodreads Give Away. There are no strings attached. You won’t be added to any lists. So head on over and enter. You just may be a WINNER!

Becoming a Present Parent

by Mary Ann Johnson

Giveaway ends December 21, 2017.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

Goodreads Book Giveaway

What is Present Parenting?