Category: Personal Growth

You Are What You Think About and Focus On

In 2003, my world turned upside down when my daughter, Jenny, was hit head-on by a drunk driver going the wrong way on a California freeway. Five years later, I wrote an article about Jenny’s journey and how she turned a major head injury into a life worth living. Another eleven years have passed, and I have watched my daughter live these words – You are what you think about and focus on.

Jenny’s sixteen-year odyssey is powerful. If you find yourself frustrated, angry, discouraged, resentful, sad, feeling less than, or any number of other difficult emotions, then this is a true story for you.

After a struggle with drugs, Jenny got clean, changed friends, and was one semester shy of graduating with a bachelor’s degree. All that came to an abrupt halt when she was hit by the drunk driver.

In May of 2012, Jenny’s first five years as a brain trauma survivor ended when she graduated, not just with a bachelor’s, but with her master’s degree in speech therapy, a skill she had learned to value as she regained her ability to speak after her accident. She set out for a new life, in a new city, at a new job, helping other people put their lives back together.

On that amazing day, it was wonderful to sit in the auditorium and watch her walk across the stage. It was overwhelming to see all the people who had come because they loved our daughter and wanted us to know what a successful job we had done raising her. It caused me to do some serious introspection. We did do a good job of raising our children; not a perfect or pain-free job, but the best job our knowledge allowed. We know this from the fruit – seven loyal, kind, adults with integrity.

But when I think of Jenny, I know that her recovery from an accident that left her unable to walk, think of the word for shoe, orange, etc., track conversations, manage social cues, or remember anything, was due to her preparation for life. Let me share her secret for living well, no matter the circumstances.

Take control of your thoughts!!

When I was at Jenny’s home the week of her graduation, I noticed quotes on the walls in every room. They were the fodder for her recovery; they showed the core of who she had decided she wanted to be long before her accident. She had begun choosing her thoughts in her late teens. This didn’t prevent her from taking a hard road to adulthood, but it helped her stay alive and hang on to values on how to treat others until she could put into practice what she wanted her life to look like.

After Jenny’s accident, these thoughts, which she had seen and read every day of her growing up, got her through. They had become part of the fabric of her thinking. Brain trauma is hard. It makes normal living a lot of work, but to finish college and go on to have a successful career helping others, well, that was a miracle of persistence, faith, and the beliefs she had fed herself for decades.

Let me share some of what Jenny had posted on her walls.

If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.
Life is not about finding yourself; life is about creating yourself.
“When I started counting my blessings, my whole world turned around.” Willie Nelson
When we strive to become better than we are, then everything around us becomes better also.
Live generously, love passionately, and be all that you want to see in the world. Shine your awesome love and light on all around you with no strings attached. Do it just because it’s who you are. Love is your nature. Sow it in your mind. Plant it in the world and enjoy the thrill of seeing love multiply and spread. All for love and love for all.
I’d always heard that your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all – it stretches on forever like an ocean of time. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad in a world where there’s so much beauty. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much; my heart fills up like a balloon that is about to burst. Then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold onto it, and the beauty flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure, but don’t worry, you will – someday. (From the movie American Beauty)
“I’ve learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.” Martha Washington
Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows fall behind you. A Maori Proverb

During my almost 74 years, I have learned that we have a choice in life. We can choose how we are going to react in any circumstance. I recall reading Victor Frankel’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, as a teen, and I have never forgotten him saying “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Despite facing an addiction in those early days, Jenny had chosen to look at life through a lens of light. She was working diligently to get control of her life by choosing to embrace happiness no matter how hard the day. She was making every effort to control her thoughts!

Jenny didn’t engage in negative conversations. She wouldn’t verbalize the bad but chose to talk about the good. After the accident, she would not say an unkind word about the other driver. She said that she wished him well, that she hoped for joy in his life. She knew the struggle he was facing, one she was conquering. She wasn’t going to waste one minute on anger. She embraced what she had posted on her walls.

Change your thoughts, change your life.

Controlling your thoughts can change your life completely. We all can choose our response in every situation. Accepting personal responsibility for our lives and not blaming others, money, time, or circumstance makes all the difference in the quality of our lives. When you give up being a victim, you free yourself from whatever has you bound.

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Choose your words because they become actions.
Understand your actions, for they become your habits.
Study your habits, for they will become your character.
Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny. Lao Tzu

Jenny has proven this to be true!

I, like you and my daughter Jenny, must work daily to maintain this way of thinking and living. It is a practice, and it takes work every day. My walls are hung with things I want to understand and live better. Next week I will share some of those thoughts, beliefs, and quotes with you. I hope you will take some of the words of wisdom that Jenny and I choose to look at each day and put them on your walls because what you surround yourself with, what you choose to think about and focus on, does make ALL the difference.

You Are What You Think About

and Focus On

Today Jenny works in senior and rehab centers helping others who have experienced trauma learn to speak again. She and her husband, Brett, have an online Christian ministry, Humans of Surrender, helping those who struggle with addiction to find help and embrace God. They have a beautiful church on their wooded property called Grace Wood where everyone is welcome. From traumatic brain injury to a life of service and love is an amazing journey proving once again, that when you control your thinking you can change your life. Jenny is adamant about one other thing and I agree – When you add God and Christ to the mix of managing your thoughts, you have better outcomes. : )

How To Enjoy Life More, Even When It’s Hard

Today, although there are things I could share that would be less time-consuming to write and less emotionally draining, I am telling you about my morning. I am sharing this experience for a reason. After several decades of working on two principles, they can still trip me up. They are also stumbling blocks for many moms I talk with. I have written about them often, and I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but this is pivotal for our happiness and our ability to parent and relationship well.

What is so challenging to manage?

1. You are 100% responsible for your response, regardless of circumstances or other people.
2. Control your story. You are not a victim!

Yeah, they make me feel annoyed, too. : ) A few decades have passed since I learned about number 1. After learning this principle, I was angry for ten years because how could I be totally in control of my response when my husband and kids kept doing and saying stupid stuff? And then there were the neighbors, the government, and a chaotic world.

I didn’t know anything about number two for at least fifteen years after learning the first principle. I had lived as a victim most of my life, from childhood, when I was a victim, right into my late fifties. It was frankly, if not a happy place to be, comfortable. Figuring out how to change my thinking in both areas was going to be a lot of work, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

This morning is a perfect example of the two principles above, the work required to live them, and the result of both living and ignoring them. I hope you won’t be bored. I also hope it may ring a bell or turn on a light. : )

It has been a whirlwind at my home since the beginning of December. I got all my Christmas baked, wrapped, mailed, and delivered, including the friend and neighbor gifts. Then I helped two very old and ill friends get theirs done. I have a 53-year-old special needs friend who needed me to help her with a couple of things. I was glad to assist her, but it took time and effort. On Wednesday, Don and I traveled from one end of the Salt Lake Valley to the other and from one side to the other to connect with dear friends we only see every few years. It was a delightful but completely exhausting day.

During these early weeks, we all had the flu, and you know what that entails for the women in charge, sick or not. : ) Jodie’s kids were all ill, as was she, but she still had to work, so I was on deck for a portion of each day. I had to care for Mom and Don. We have all recovered, for the most part, but it has been a long two weeks. By this Friday, I was done in and ready for a break.

Friday night I dropped into my chair at about 8 pm to look over the Saturday schedule, only to discover that we had a church Christmas Breakfast at 9 am, and I had promised to take a family of older people who would normally not attend. We care very much about this family, but seeing this on the calendar, I came unglued. I felt so angry. I yelled that it was too much.

What frustrated me was that in my mind, I thought I was done and that today, Saturday, was going to be free, except for writing my article, which I hadn’t even started on. This is something I try to avoid by writing a little each day but here I was, not only going to need to write an article, create a newsletter, and record a podcast, but now I was going to have to get my own family up and out of the house by 9 am, pick up another family, do a lot of smiling and talking and then come home and do this big job I had left to the last minute!!

Well, I sat there fuming that my life was too hard, I had too much to do, nobody else did their share, and on and on. However, it was bedtime, so I had to shut it down and move on. Fortunately for me, I have a system to ‘dump’ the stuff out of my brain and I know how to meditate myself to sleep, so fifteen minutes after lying down, I was asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I was still ticked off. Why me? Why another big day? It wasn’t fair. I didn’t want to feel this way, but I did, and I didn’t have the energy or time to work it out. I got my family into the car, picked up our friends, and drove to the church.

It was going to be OK though, because I could at least sit and eat, right? I could rest since I wasn’t in charge of anything and wasn’t doing any cooking or serving. It didn’t turn out that way. The event was very well attended and the line to serve yourself breakfast was long! I got my plate and my mother’s and helped my older friends. After about twenty minutes, we all sat down, and I ate a grape. All I had was fruit and yogurt because the main dish was filled with pork, a food I cannot eat. Another thing to be bummed about. However, I like grapes. As I picked up my second grape, Jodie asked me if I could sit by Maggie so she could get a plate.

If you think the line was long when I went through, it was double that for Jodie. Over thirty minutes later, she finally returned. By that time, I had fed Maggie my yogurt, rolled her over to watch the movie Polar Express, and tracked down Santa so she could get a photo with him. Jodie finally came back with a plate. However, neither of us got to eat!

It was time for the children’s nativity play, and Maggie was the Heavenly Star, so Jodie put her costume on and got her on stage. I had gotten some more yogurt, but the family I brought were ready to go home, as was Don and my mom. So, I drove them home.

Here is the important part of this morning’s story.

There I was bringing an older, ill couple to the party and Don and my mom. Saint, right? Then I stood and fed Maggie my yogurt. Feeding a child who eats mostly from a tube in her stomach isn’t the easiest thing to do. Saint, right? And I didn’t get to eat, but made sure those older people I brought got home when they were done in. Super saint, for sure.

Well, as I was helping everyone up and out to the car, my friend, Bunnie, leaned over and said, “You are such a wonderful person. So gentle and kind,” or words to that effect. I looked at her and replied, “Don’t give me too much credit. I am feeling angry and annoyed.” Another friend at the table, who also helps care for these elderly friends, looked at me quizzically and said, “Angry?” I replied, “Well that isn’t the right word, more like irritated and annoyed.” Then I smiled lamely and shepherded everyone out to the car.

I responded the way I did because the whole morning, I was continuing the very negative conversation from the night before, in my head. You know, the one I mentioned before – Why me? Why another big day? It isn’t fair. I should be able to eat. Why do I have to get up early and go to bed on time? Why can’t I be a lazy bum? Why can’t someone else be kind and do this stuff? I have too much to do, nobody else does their share, and on and on. Bunnie’s comment, which was meant as a sincere compliment, was a punch in the gut.

Doing The Work

Now, to be honest, the whole mental conversation wasn’t negative. I was making an effort to get a grip on my story. At one point, while feeding Maggie, I went over the things I had managed in the last two weeks and I asked myself questions, “Did anyone make you do this? Could you have not done it? Why did you? Were you afraid to say no? Was your self-esteem on the line? I answered each question honestly, as I have practiced for decades. Ultimately, I knew I chose each of these things because I wanted to. It’s my way of being and I like how I am. There was no one or any circumstance to blame. I had consciously made choices that fit with what I wanted my December to look like. Ok, I was making progress with number 1.

Nevertheless, it was a back-and-forth, emotionally challenging mental conversation. I knew when I got home, I would need to do some more work to manage number 2, controlling my story. I could go for a walk and yell until I was done yelling. I could smile, even if I didn’t feel like it, because it still releases endorphins. I could go home and do a dump write and then crumple it up and throw it away. What I choose to do is the tool that works best for me. I prayed. I dumped on God because I knew He wasn’t mad at me when I acted lame. : ) Then I began asking God to help me sort out why I felt distressed. I had helpful thoughts. I had been ill. I was overly tired. I did need a rest, but I still had work left to do, write to you. : ) I got my story straight.

As I finished my prayer, I knew I still had emotions to manage and I spent the next couple of hours, as I cooked a wonderful lunch for my family and began working on this article, doing just that.

How do I feel now, at 4:45 pm? I still have lots to do to finish this article, the newsletter, and the podcast. But I feel OK. There isn’t anything I have done in the last two weeks that I wouldn’t do over again, by choice. I know that I have done my best to care for myself. I went to bed on time more days than not. I got up early and did as much of my morning routine as was feasible. I dumped the junk before bed and slept well. I took a day off when I was ill.

I’m not angry, irritated, or annoyed anymore. I know who I am. I know why I was emotionally challenged. My story is straight. I’m not blaming anyone or anything. Tomorrow is Sunday, a Sabbath for me. I will rest, and then I will prepare for next week.

You can see the work I had to do over an evening and much of a day, to get my head straight about my story and my responsibility. It took work, but I got the work done.

Here is the result.

Last night and this morning I felt angry and annoyed. I couldn’t enjoy my friends or being with people. Now, I am at peace. I feel happy with myself and the kindnesses I have been able to share. I feel somehow rested, even though I am facing a few hours of editing and recording. I am at peace with myself, my family, my friends, and the world.

When we choose to accept responsibility for our responses, when we let go of blaming anyone or any circumstance; when we ask honest questions and get our story straight, we will find ourselves happier and more at peace. This allows us to parent from a better place and to manage our relationships with better outcomes.

Each of you has had a couple of days, weeks, or even months like mine. Each of us must learn how to control the story and how to take responsibility for our responses.

As we do, we will enjoy life more, even when it is hard.

A Response to This Article and a Tender Mercy

Say Yes More Often Than No

I bought Mom a beautiful fake flower in a glass bowl. My mother loves flowers, but we can’t have any living plants in her room because she pours water on them continually. There are some problems with that.

1. Plants die if the roots are submerged in water. We have lost a few.
2. Eventually, they begin to smell.
3. She uses the water she is supposed to drink, and then it’s impossible to track her water consumption. Water is a vital part of what I manage because one of the first things to go with dementia is a sense of thirst, and dehydration is a real issue.

The day I bought this lovely plant, I entered her room to find the pot filled with water! I felt irritated and explained to Mom that it wasn’t a living plant, it didn’t need water, water might ruin it, etc. Then I cleaned out the pot and the mess on the dresser. I refilled her water glass.

When I returned, she had again filled the vase with water. This is what dementia is, and it isn’t her fault, but I was tired and felt angry to have another mess. I knew she couldn’t recall our previous conversation, and if I said it all to her again, she wouldn’t remember. However, if she kept putting water in the vase, I would have to remove the plant from her room. I mean, it was a fake plant and didn’t need water. Right!

Later, standing at the sink washing dishes, I had this thought, “What does it matter?” I was astonished and stood thinking about it. What did it matter? If water were in the vase, it would just be there. The stems were plastic, and the vase was glass, so water shouldn’t hurt. I didn’t want water in the vase, it was out of order. But what did it really matter?

I returned to my mom’s room and said, “You know Mom, if there is water in this vase, it doesn’t hurt anything. It doesn’t matter. Why don’t you put some water in the vase, and then you won’t worry about it.” She poured water in the vase, and it made her happy. After all, to her, it was a living plant. She sat back in her rocking chair, and I said, “I’m sorry, Mom. I can get grouchy.” She smiled and replied, “That’s OK.” Then we hugged. Eventually, the water evaporated, and she never refilled it. It was only on her mind that first day. Not a problem at all.

As I thought about this experience, several things came to my mind.
•There isn’t just one right or OK way to do a thing.
•Flexibility when working with others smooths our daily interactions.

When something seems wrong, bizarre, or dangerous, we need to stop and consider if that is a story, we are telling ourselves or if the facts indicate it’s true. If it’s true, then we need to act. However, if it’s just not how we would do it or if it seems out of order to us, then we should step back and see how it could be made manageable.

When we do this, it can impact our relationships in a big way. It is freeing to us and validating to others when they are allowed to make decisions for themselves even if they are different from what we might do. My boys and their bedrooms are a good example.

Managing a Boys Dirty Room!

I am a very tidy person, and I like order. When I was younger, I felt this was right and the only way to be. That caused me some problems because order and tidiness aren’t important to everyone. Take my three boys for example. Their rooms, in my opinion, were pigsty’s. The floors, dresser tops, closets, bed, and every space in their rooms were littered with stuff.

Of course, I spent lots of time yelling about their messy rooms. I had consequences if the rooms were out of order. It never made a dent. Even on days when I wouldn’t let them leave till their rooms were clean, by that night, they would be in disarray and cluttered again.

I finally got tired of yelling and how it made me feel, how it was hurting my relationship with my boys. I knew there had to be another way to handle it, so I prayed and pondered the situation. I came up with a plan that worked perfectly for many years.

I sat the boys down and told them how their messy rooms made me feel. I told them that I knew they didn’t feel the same way, so here was how we were going to handle our differences.

If I couldn’t see the mess, I would leave them alone. That meant they had to keep their doors closed with nothing spilling into the hallway. Maybe they would clean them occasionally, but that was up to them.

The caveat was this, every six months the room had to be deep cleaned. I would tell them when the cleaning week was. They could clean the room, or I would. They could decide what stayed and what went if they cleaned their room. However, if I cleaned their room that decision was up to me.

My sons Barry and Seth never cleaned their rooms, and I was more than happy to go in every six months and dung them out. Cleaning is my thing and I like it. They didn’t care if I junked stuff. It was perfect.

My son Andrew didn’t want me in his stuff so every six months he would deep clean his room and I stayed out. That also worked perfectly.

I know this wouldn’t appeal to everyone, but for us, it was a great way to handle the issue. No more yelling, no more Saturdays with upset boys sitting in their rooms feeling angry. And every six months I got to do my thing. As I said, for us it was perfect. Don’s Christmas ornaments are another good example.

Don’s Christmas Ornaments

Don loves decorations at Christmas. I used to go all out. Our home looked like a Better Homes and Gardens picture. But I’m older now, and I don’t care about most of the trappings of Christmas. Much of what I do these days is for Don. I would buy a big poinsettia and call it good. LOL

Last Christmas, as has happened for many years, Don didn’t want to take down the tree. He would leave it up till April if he could and did do that one year. : ) I, of course, wanted the tree down and all the paraphernalia put away. You know, back in order. But he was firm in his desire to be able to see his favorite decorations longer. What could I do?

Again, I prayed and pondered the situation. One morning I saw this picture in my mind; all of Don’s favorite ornaments hung on the wall behind his desk. And that is where they hang year-round, to this day. It isn’t what I would do because it is cluttered to me. However, I can live with it, and he is as happy as a clam because it’s how he would do things.

My daughter Jodie, has a wonderful saying that she lives by. I have seen her use it consistently in her home, and I know the results. I am often amazed at her yeses, and I have learned a lot about flexibility watching her with her children. Her belief in this saying has paid off many times. I work to remember this more often and it helps me focus on people, not things, and my way of how it should be done.

What if we said yes as often as we could and not only when we had to?

How Long Can You Carry the Load?

I walk daily. Walking is the only exercise I get because, as I understand it, you can’t count housework. LOL I walk five blocks. A while back I decided to run those five blocks. I have never liked running, but in February of this year, I decided to run. The goal I set was to run the full five blocks by September. In the article I wrote sharing why I decided to run, I told you I would tell you how it worked out.

Well, it hasn’t worked out well!

I began having significant nerve pain in my right foot, the front of my shin, and in my right knee after only one week of running. The pain was intense. After an MRI, my doctor told me I had to stop running. There is an issue in the vertebra of my lower back that I may need to deal with someday, but for now, giving up running will help prevent further disintegration. I was bummed out. I mean, I should be able to run; other people run.

Not being able to run was a letdown because, as I said in the article if we have a big enough why, we can accomplish anything. It didn’t matter how big my why was, running was not something I could do, and remain healthy! However, pouting wasn’t going to help me achieve my goal of brain health. If I couldn’t run five blocks by September, what could I do that would make a difference? I gave it some serious thought. After all, running or no running, I had a big why!

I could wear better shoes. (My daughter bought me a pair and it made a world of difference! Far less leg pain!)
I could walk faster.
I could practice better breathing as I walked.
My sister, a fitness instructor, suggested I could employ the weights I carry better.

I took her advice and began utilizing my weights in a new way. I raise one arm into the air and keep it lifted as I walk, for as long as I can. The pain begins slowly, but eventually, I must put my arm down. Then I lift the other arm and repeat the process. Then I let both arms swing by my side until I feel I can lift the weight again. I do at least two repetitions of each arm and sometimes three. Each month I can lift the weight longer.

Lifting a Weight is Like Caregiving and Parenting

During one of my walks, I realized how much this exercise is like the caregiving I do every day and how much it’s like the parenting we’re all doing. Both are weights we carry. Sometimes, it becomes painful, and you wonder if you can keep it up. The truth is that to manage these weights well, we do eventually have to put our arm down, metaphorically speaking. We need a break.

I know that carrying the weight of caregiving in my family is a blessing, just as carrying those 3-pound weights is a blessing. It’s the same with parenting. The weight is real, but parenting also has its compensating blessings. Any parent with adult children can look back on the hard days and be grateful because of what they see in their adult child. Then there are the grands. Need I say more? LOL We are also blessed because we learn hard and valuable lessons, we grow and hopefully make changes, and become better people. Without the weight, there would be far less growth.

But, just as in my walk, you need to occasionally put the weight down. There are many ways to do this. It might be a night or a week away, but I suspect that will be rare. I am taking a four-day weekend off at the end of December, but this has been a few years coming. : ) It may be a trip to the grocery store by yourself. I use this one at least once a week, despite how much my mom likes to go on rides. Maybe you can drop the kids off at your mom’s for the evening. I do this for my daughter, Jodie. They already live here, so all she has to do is get a ‘yes’ from me, and she can take an evening off. : )

It might be an occasional lunch with a friend or an evening with your book club. Have you ever thought about an hour or two at the library? I have used this. It’s a perfect place for stillness and rest. What about an adult-only movie night? My daughter Jodie hides out in a comfy chair in our garden during the summer. Try taking the dog for a walk.

It’s never easy to create space for yourself when you are caregiving or raising a family. I have had moments of quilt when I leave home to get some space for myself. After all, I snuck out knowing my mother was pining for a ride. But when I come back, I am a better caregiver, a more loving wife, a cheerful grandmother, and a gentler daughter. You will be a better mother when you occasionally put your arm down. Our parenting/caregiving muscles need a rest.

You can’t carry the load well without an occasional break. You need to figure out how to find moments when you can put the weight down so your parenting muscle remains strong, and you can carry the load for all the years it takes to parent a family.

You can carry the load as long as you need to, but occasionally,

your arm needs a rest.

The Power of I Love You

Back in 2012, I read an article by Kerry Patterson of the Arbinger Institute, a company designed to build leaders and businesses. He has also helped author several wonderful books designed to help people have better relationships in families, at work, and in communities. I have enjoyed reading his work for many years. This article, which was published around the holidays, beautifully showcased the power of love. I am sharing it with you because it is powerful. I hope it will bless you and help change your life. : )

The Power of I Love You by Kerry Patterson

Typically, this time of year, I write a piece about the holiday season. This year, I’ve penned a story that took place years ago—during the late spring—nowhere close to the holidays. Nevertheless, even though the tale doesn’t involve presents, or mistletoe, or anything remotely festive, I think it captures the spirit of the season.

The other day, while my three-year-old grandson, Tommy, and I took a walk through the neighborhood, the little guy picked up a rock and tossed it into an irrigation ditch. And then, in the non-sequiturial manner that defines three-year-olds, he looked up at me and whispered, “I love you.” Much to my delight, Tommy tells me this quite often, but on this particular day, there was something about the circumstances that jarred loose the memory of an incident I hadn’t thought about for over half a century.

This particular memory started with what should have been a harmless trip to the grocery store. It was the spring of 1953, I was seven years old, and Mom decided she needed to fetch some milk in order to finish a batch of chocolate pudding. Five minutes later, as Mom, my brother Billy, and I rolled up to the grocery store, Mom spotted her best friend Lydia. “I’m going to be chatting for a while,” Mom barked. “Why don’t you boys play outside with the kids in the neighborhood?”

I was hungrier for snacks than I was for companionship, so I set off in search of discarded pop bottles in nearby gutters. If I got lucky, I’d find a few bottles and trade them in for penny candy. At age eleven, my brother Billy was hungrier for adventure than for sweets, so he set off for points unknown.

After talking with Lydia for nearly half an hour, and with a quart bottle of milk firmly tucked under her arm, Mom stuck her head outside the store and shouted, “Boys, it’s pudding time!”

With the promise of chocolate hanging in the air, I raced back to the store—but Billy was nowhere to be seen. “Go find your brother,” Mother exhorted. “He’s probably down by the creek.”

The creek Mom referred to flowed through the countryside a couple of blocks north of the store until it abruptly disappeared into a four-foot-high cement culvert that carried the water underground for two miles. The tunnel was filthy, dark, dangerous, and chock full of rats. In short, it was boy heaven.

Unfortunately, just getting to the creek posed a serious challenge. The route went past the McHenry house and the McHenry house was filled with stone-cold criminals. The adult McHenrys (when not in prison) were constantly tossing back home brew while feverishly hammering on the pile of rusted auto parts that was their front yard. The McHenry boys, ever anxious to please their parents, cursed, spat, and sic’d their dogs on anyone who had the temerity to breach their territory. I was about to be their next victim.

But I got lucky that day. As I walked toward the creek, the McHenrys were nowhere to be found. Seizing the moment, I dashed passed their den and down to the tunnel entrance. Whew! I had made it!

And then I faced a new challenge. If my brother was, indeed, playing in the culvert, I’d have to shout out a password before he’d let me in. It was kid code. My friends and I were always using secret words such as “Open sesame” to gain entry into our forts or to earn freedom from captivity should the “enemy” lock us up. This system worked quite well except when we changed or forgot the password, which was most of the time.

“Open sesame!” I hollered as I rounded the bend near the mouth of the tunnel. I heard nothing from Billy. “Open sesame!” I tried again, followed by silence and then a resounding “Geronimo!” which also had no effect. Next, I tried, “Montezuma!” Then “Beelzebub!” Still no response. Just when I was about to whip out the granddaddy of all passwords—”Code red!”—I was yanked off my feet and held in the air—thrashing like a gaffed salmon. Craning my head to see who had ahold of my collar, I stared into the face of Chuck McHenry, the oldest and foulest of the McHenry boys.

“Lookin’ for your brother, are ya?” Chuck asked with breath that could stop a bullet. “Cuz if you are, me and my brothers have him trapped.”

Sure enough, a few feet away stood two of Chuck’s teenage brothers. They were throwing rocks into the mouth of the tunnel as if competing in some sort of sadistic carnival game. Eleven-year-old Billy would peek out of the culvert opening to see if the coast was clear and then the McHenrys would hurl jagged rocks at his head.

“Leave my brother alone!” I hollered as I tried my best to kick the McHenry ringleader. Chuck merely laughed. I was seven; he was in his late teens. Fighting was useless. After I tried to break away for what seemed like an hour, Chuck offered up a plan: “If you want us to let your brother go, you’ll have to do somethin’ for it.”

“What?” I asked.

“What do you guys think?” Chuck questioned his brothers. “Should we make him run naked through stinger nettles?”

“Maybe we should hang him by his heels from a tree!” one of his brothers chimed in. “I got it!” Chuck announced as he nodded his head knowingly. I couldn’t imagine what he had in mind, but whatever demented stunt he had concocted, I’d gladly do it. Billy was my best friend, my protector, my big brother.

Then, with a grin that suggested he had just devised the most nefarious punishment ever, Chuck announced: “Tell your brother—in a loud voice—that you love him!” I was confused. This was all he wanted? To tell my brother that I loved him? “Go ahead,” he chided. “Say it! I dare you!” “I love you!” I shouted to my brother.

The McHenry boys then hooted and howled. From their point of view, I had just humiliated myself beyond repair. Right there in front of the whole neighborhood, I, a boy, had been tender and sensitive. Worse still, I had dared to say, “I love you”—to my brother no less! Ugh! As far as the McHenrys were concerned, I had completely disgraced myself.

Finally, after nearly laughing himself sick, Chuck tossed me to the ground and threatened to “pound” my brother and me if either of us said a word to our parents. Then, tiring of the whole affair, Chuck turned on his heels and darted back to his lair—his brothers close behind.

After checking to see if the thugs had really gone, Billy cautiously climbed out of the tunnel, took my hand, and walked me back to the grocery store. “Don’t tell Mom what just happened,” Billy warned. “If you do, the McHenrys will beat us for sure.”

“Plus, if we tattle, Mom will ask us what we learned,” I added. Then we both laughed at the thought. Mom was always asking us what we had learned from our latest debacle and to be honest, I didn’t have a clue what I had just learned. I could say that I had learned not to play in the culvert or go near the McHenrys—but I already knew that.

No matter what we were supposed to have learned that morning, the incident remained locked deep inside my brain until a few days ago when my grandson, Tommy, tossed a rock into a stream and told me he loved me. And then, like an orb tumbling out of a gumball machine, the McHenry memory tumbled out of the dark recesses of my mind and onto these pages.

I’m glad it’s been nearly sixty years since the original event took place because now, I’m mature enough to know what I learned that day. And I’ll be darned if I hadn’t learned it from the most unlikely of characters—Chuck McHenry. The lesson couldn’t be clearer. When threatened by your worst enemy, when going toe-to-toe with the adversary, remember the secret password. Not just any password, but the password.

I love you. It opens all doors.

Why I Decided to Commit to Meditation When I Said I Couldn’t

On October 15th of this year, I posted an article called Are You Self-Aware? What Does That Even Look Like? In the article, I listed ideas for becoming more aware of our own emotional state. Then I listed things I was committing to do for myself. At the end of the article, there was this P. S. “Mediation came up often on the lists. I have meditated in the past but right now, I can’t commit to it.”

I Have Decided to Commit!

I have decided to commit because of an experiment I have been doing. I want to share my results with you because they have been helpful! Let’s go back a ways. About ten years ago I was living in Kearns, Utah, sharing a home with my daughter Jodie and her family, just as now. However, she wasn’t working full time and although we helped with Maggie it wasn’t as much. My mom hadn’t come to live with us yet. However, I was working full-time, along with traveling, speaking, teaching, and working on my book. But I seemed to have more time. Ah, perspective! LOL

I read the book ‘8 Minute Meditation: Quiet Your Mind. Change Your Life’ by Victor Davich. I practiced the meditations and settled on one. It is as simple as saying to yourself with each breath, “Breathe in, breathe out.” BUT meditation proved to be a challenge for me. I am by nature a mover, a worker. I want to get things done. I am a finisher. None of this settles well with sitting quietly. However, I began using this practice daily. I would sit on a chair in my kitchen and breathe in and out for 8 minutes. Man, some days it was HARD! However, I became good at it. I began doing this breathing work at the kitchen sink when I was upset or in the car for the same reason. It helped my mind and body slow down and I was able to make better choices and have more thoughtful responses.

Then I began using it when I went to bed. I use this practice to this day. I can go to sleep in under 15 minutes no matter how the day has gone or what worries I have. If I wake up in the night, I can meditate myself back to sleep in a few minutes. As you can see, meditation proved to be very useful to me. But as we do with many things that work for us, I let it slip out of my life, except for going to sleep.

So, at this juncture, why couldn’t I commit to meditating for reasons other than going to sleep? I didn’t believe I could keep the commitment! As a full-time caregiver, I jump out of bed in the morning, and I am off to the races. I move at 100 miles an hour all day long. Then I take my 15-minute self-care shower and drop into bed. I meditate myself to sleep and then the next morning I repeat. I know it sounds terrible, but it fits my personality. However, I know it is not the healthiest way to live. It doesn’t help me manage stress.

Here is one of the affirmation/commitments that I repeat each morning – God and Christ value me just as I am. To them, I have great worth. I feel their love every day! They are teaching me about rest and rejuvenation…so I can serve better.

You see, I know how important it is to slow down, to be still, to make space for oneself. One of my favorite verses of scripture found in the Christian Bible is Psalms 46:10 – Be still and know that I am God.

But knowing and doing are two separate things. After I shared my article with all of you, I couldn’t get meditation off my mind. I thought about it every day. I wanted to commit but I wasn’t sure I could. Eventually, I decided to revisit what it felt like. I recall the morning, a few weeks ago, when I got up, dressed, and then sat on the couch. I have an app on my phone from my early meditation days, Insight Timer. I opened it up, went to my library created so long ago, and chose a 5-minute meditation. I remember opening my eyes at the 3-minute mark because, well, I needed to get going. LOL However, the day moved along more smoothly. Just as busy, but there was something different.

After a couple of days of revisiting how meditation felt, I had one of those 5:30 mornings when I needed to get Maggie up. I didn’t meditate. It was easy to fall off the wagon. See, I knew I couldn’t commit. BUT I also couldn’t stop thinking about it. A week later, as I headed to bed, I opened the app. I found a 60-minute meditation in my library and played it as I fell asleep. I woke far less during the night and felt more rested in the morning! I asked my husband if the music bothered him, and he said it didn’t. I have been going to sleep with meditation music every night since. It is making a HUGE difference in how well I manage busy days.

The last few weeks have been tough. Canning season didn’t end in October but slid right into November. Many days I was up at 6:30 and worked till 11. My normal bedtime is between 9-9:30. This was a rough schedule for me because I still have mornings when I need to care for Maggie at 5:30 and because I am canning, I must get going by 6:30 anyway. However, because I am using meditation music along with my meditation breathing to fall asleep, I have been far more rested, and I have been able to manage this schedule better. By the way, I am now FINISHED for the year! Well, almost. I do have a bucket of pickles in brine. LOL

Here are some things I have done to make meditation work for me:

•I moved my meditation app to the home page of my phone, so it is easy to find.
•I committed to my bedtime meditation music 7 days a week.
•I committed to my morning 5-minute meditation at least 3 days a week. If that is all I can
do it is OK.
•If I am interrupted, I pick up where I left off. Let me give you a few examples:

The first morning I did the 5-minute meditation Ben came down and asked me a question. I paused my music, responded, and then carried on. A few seconds later Jodie came down and put in laundry. I shut out the sounds and carried on. This can happen many mornings and I have decided not to let it bother me. That way I remain peaceful and get my meditation in, no matter what. : ) It is a choice.

A few days later Jack came and asked if I could drive him to school. I calmly turned off my music and took him. I had gotten 3 minutes in, and I let it be enough.

This Monday morning when the free-standing heater went on, I noticed the sound of blowing air was very loud. I looked at the time and I had 3 minutes left. I let the feeling of irritation go. I decided to mesh the heater sound with the music, and I finished my meditation. I remained calm. It again, was a choice.

•I focus on the value meditation brings and not on the challenges of getting it done.
•I accept the responsibility of creating space for myself. I don’t blame others or circumstances.

I rush to the next thing. It’s my nature, and it’s how my life is structured. Meditation helps me create space in my life. Remember that old story I have mentioned in the past, that there is no space in my life for me? I know I am in control of that story and my response to it. It has been a challenge for the last couple of years to keep it in check. Meditation helps me create 5 minutes for myself, and if I remain calm despite the occasional interruptions, it silences that old story and I manage my busy days better. After all, it’s my responsibility to create space despite all that I am responsible for managing in a day. The same thing applies to my night meditation.

The Value of Meditation for Me

To summarize, what has the value of even small amounts of meditation been to me?

Prior to today’s meditation, I was saying my morning prayer. It was all I had in my head to do before I would plunge into the day. During that sacred moment, I realized I was rushing. I said to God, “I am rushing! I am sorry. I need more calmness as I move into the day.” Meditation immediately came into my mind. God is so good! I finished my prayer.

As I began the meditation, I felt like a sprinter at the starting gate. I noticed my breathing was shallow and fast. I was leaning forward as if any second the gun was going to go off, and I would sprint into the day. There was a tenseness in my shoulders.

By choice, I began breathing deeply and slowly. I leaned back and rested on the chair. I let my hands go limp in my lap. I felt the tenseness ooze away. I deliberately did what I needed to do to relax into the meditation. After a short time, I peeked at the clock thinking, “I probably have three minutes left.” My nature was asserting itself! There was only 2 min and 23 seconds left. I felt a smile coming on. I smiled for the rest of the 2 minutes. It felt good to be still and understand myself.

When the time elapsed, I was calmer. My mind and body had slowed down. The need to rush into my day was no longer there. I looked calmly at my list and thought, “Where shall I begin?” I made time for my morning routine – I read a few verses of scripture. I said my affirmation/commitments, got my water ready and wrote in my gratitude journal. I was able to make time for these important things. Then I took my walk.

Now I am deeply into the day. I am doing my writing for this post. (I usually spread it out over a week but, well, you know, canning.) Then I will construct the newsletter and do the podcast. After that, I want to clean my home for the Sabbath because I couldn’t do that last week. You know, canning. LOL Then the budget and … No matter how the day ends it’s moving along smoothly, calmly. I feel ordered and in control of myself, even if I can’t control the interruptions and shed the responsibilities. Meditation, just the little I do, has made a difference.

I AM COMMITTED!

P.S. There are many wonderful, guided meditations and in the past, I have used them. However, for now, I am only using meditation music. It is enough.

Here is a PDF of the book 8 Minute Meditation: Quiet Your Mind. Change Your Life by Victor Davich.

Are You Self Aware? What Does That Even Look Like?

Last spring, I was listening to a talk at church and the speaker gave a statistic that I found intriguing and a bit surprising. He said that most people think they are self-aware but that when tested only about 15% are. That is a low number of people who really know where they are emotionally, at any given time.

You are probably not surprised that this information would catch my eye. After all, I did a little counseling for myself this year because I knew there were issues with my self-awareness which made it difficult to manage triggers and stress.

What does being self-aware look like?

John Duffy, a clinical psychologist and author, expressed it this way – “In effect, self-awareness is the recognition of one’s own emotional state at any given point in time…To the degree that we can manage our emotional states, we are better able to manage…other elements of our lives as well.”

Amy McManus, a marriage and family therapist, describes self-awareness this way – “Self-awareness is the ability to look at your own words and actions from a perspective outside of yourself; to see yourself as others see you.”

Can you see how helpful it would be to be able to see yourself as others see you and then choose how to respond rather than being triggered or feeling less than? Can you see how empowering it is to be aware of your current emotional state so that you could take steps to manage how you feel?

This information was helpful for me last spring when I could see that I was on the edge of a cliff. My emotional state was in disarray after almost five years of full-time caregiving, and I needed help so that I could continue to manage.

As a mom, co-worker, wife, neighbor, etc. we would all do better if we could recognize our current emotional state, accept it, not feel like a loser if it is in disarray, and then do something to get back on track.

This is what I did last spring, got help, so I could work on getting my emotional state back into a place where I could manage myself and continue to care for those I love.

We tend to think we’re self-aware when we’re not. Remember those statistics – only 15% of the population is self-aware most of the time. Katie Krimer, a licensed clinical social worker, said that many people “feel that they know and understand themselves much better than they actually do. They may even have avoided building self-awareness because it involves looking at oneself as honestly as possible, and this can often invoke feelings of shame that can be difficult to handle.”

In my opinion and experience, to become more self-aware we need first, to give up shame because there are times you are not in a good place. This frees us to seek whatever help we need, to put ourselves back in order. If we are ashamed that we aren’t ‘perfect’ then we will shut down, hide from ourselves, and not seek help. As you can tell from the statistics, that is the choice many make whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Self-awareness is a skill important for a more fulfilling life

Self-awareness is important for a fulfilling life, one is freer from triggers, and feelings of shame, and able to respond more often rather than react.

Here is another bit of wisdom from John Duffy – “If you can manage your own emotions, you are more than likely able to exert an impact on the emotional vibe of a family, a work situation, or a social encounter. All of that is to say, self-awareness can be incredibly useful in driving a more aware, fulfilled life.”

The cool thing about a skill and self-awareness is a skill, is that it can be learned and mastered. It isn’t a natural talent so anyone can be better at self-awareness.

Last year when I was on a Mother’s Day retreat my daughter, Jodie, stopped by. She was helping me, so that I would be free to stay by myself for a few days, doing what I wanted. We didn’t plan it, but when she got to where I was staying, I spent an hour talking with her about the state of my emotions, and where I really was. It wasn’t comfortable because I am the mom, a writer, a mentor, and I should have all my ducks in a row, right? But it was helpful.

We strategized a few things that would help me physically manage better at home, as well as emotionally. In order for this conversation to occur I had to be willing to accept that I am not perfect, I do have ‘stuff’, and that it is OK. It doesn’t diminish my worth or my ability to help and serve others. In fact, that conversation allowed me to serve better, going forward. All those months ago, it was worth being vulnerable so that I could receive help to see what I needed to do. As has been said, self-awareness is a skill for a more fulfilling life.

So how can we cultivate greater and more consistent self-awareness?

I read several articles on this topic because, like most of you, I wasn’t sure how to cultivate self-awareness. I know that I can be self-aware, but I also know there are times I avoid it.

As I read there was a plethora of thoughts on how to cultivate self-awareness. I have chosen, for myself, only those that I am currently willing and/or able to do. As you do your own research you will see many other ideas and then you can choose what will work for you right now. I am sharing the link to one article I read and one talk I listened to, to get you started.

Here Is What I Committed To

1. Seek feedback from those you trust. That is what I was doing with my daughter on my Mother’s Day retreat. It is what I did when I chose to do some work with a professional counselor last spring.

2. Practice gratitude. This is a long-term practice for me. I have filled several gratitude journals. I write three things daily. My goal has been to not repeat myself. That is a challenge. : ) I will continue this practice.

This week I began a new gratitude journal after two years of writing. I still strive to write down new things. I am not above writing down eggs, watermelon, my mom can still dress herself, or cereal for an easy breakfast. LOL

This one practice has been helpful on many levels, not just with self-awareness. I recommend it highly!

3. Examine your triggers. Recently, I was on a wonderful podcast called Beyond the Cookie Cutter. In that podcast, I talked about a moment when I was triggered by something my husband did. Mary Black, the host asked me to explain how I worked through the situation to determine what the trigger was so I could get my emotions back in order. You may find my experience of use as you figure out how to do this yourself.

4. Let your walls down. This goes along with number 1. You do this best with those you trust. As I shared in the podcast, my husband can trigger me. But of all the people in the world, I trust him most. So, we have talked about it. He knows I am continuing my work to heal my triggers, which aren’t about him at all. He is being patient. : )

5. Look in the mirror-literally. I have been looking in the mirror at myself for years. I have aged considerably in the past five years, since becoming a full-time caregiver. However, aged or not, I like looking at myself in the mirror, even on days I am mad at myself because of a choice, a behavior, or a lack of self-management, etc. With much practice, I have learned my value and I love myself. This is a skill I have mastered! P.S. This is probably one of the reasons I am free to be vulnerable with those I trust and with you, my readers. My love for me isn’t dependent on how I look or any state of perfection.

When I look in the mirror it has been to tell myself how good I am as a person and to give myself some love. As was said in the NBC News article – to learn to track attention and emotions and gain new insights into how thoughts are affecting in real time — this sort of mimics face-to-face conversations that involve deep listening and being fully present with another person.” I plan to be deeply present with myself for a few moments on a regular basis and to continue to look in the mirror and tell myself how much I am loved!

So, look in the mirror and love the woman you see looking back with all her imperfections, disappointments, sadness, etc. Know that she is of worth and that you are moving her forward.
I have shared with you what I am currently willing to do to be more self-aware. However, there are many other possibilities. Check out the other ideas for yourself and choose what you can commit to.

Becoming self-aware is life changing and it is a skill we can master!

P.S. Mediation came up often on the lists. I have meditated in the past but right now, I can’t commit to it. However, it was powerful for me a decade ago and there is a wonderful TED talk on meditation and self-awareness. You may be ready to commit to this. If so listen HERE. I was so taken by this talk that I may reconsider and commit myself. : ) It was beautiful, simple, and doable. Pondering my options. : ) Here is a good article to get you started on your own search for greater self-awareness. What is Self-awareness? And how can you cultivate it?

Putting People Ahead of Projects. Can It Be Done?

Here are two stories that will become one.

I am a finisher. This will be important for you to remember as you read this article. Being a finisher is a blessing in my life and the lives of those I live with and serve. But it has its drawbacks. I can get caught up in projects and leave people behind.

Story One

I needed a mammogram. Ugh, I would like to be done with that forever, but whether I like it or not, I needed one. On the appointed day, I showed up and was pleasantly surprised by the technician. She was awesome! Vicki and I had a fabulous conversation about interesting and important things while we took care of this slightly unpleasant task.

I could tell that in some ways, we were alike. She is also a finisher. Our conversation got around to the topic of being patient with people when they got in the way of the work at hand. This was a problem for her at home and work. Boy, could I relate. Projects or work can supersede the very people we are serving. We laughed about it.

Then the conversation took a serious turn. Vicki was down on herself because she was new to the ‘I need to be more responsive to people’ party. She said, “I’m never going to get this.” I have felt this way myself. I told her, “You will get this and have a change of heart if you keep working on it, if it is a true desire of your heart. I know because I have been doing this work of changing for a long time.”

Story Two

The next day I was at my neighbor’s home picking mulberries. I had gotten up very early to do the job because I oversaw getting Maggie up, dressed, and into her wheelchair that morning. I had almost finished one section of the lower branches of the huge tree. I had a clear thought come into my mind, “Remember, Jodie is working, and you need to get Maggie up and dressed.” I have a good handle on time, and I had already felt that it was close to the time that Maggie would need me. But I kept picking. I told myself, “It’s just going to take a minute. I’ll be quick.” Sound familiar? Maggie can do nothing for herself, and she was dependent on me, and so was her working mom, but I wanted to finish.

I heard a ping on my phone, but I ignored it and kept picking. Five minutes later I was so pressed by the feeling that I had to go that I checked my phone. Jodie had gotten a message from Maggie saying she was awake. Fortunately, Maggie’s iPad was propped on the bed in front of her just in case she woke up and needed to let someone know. Jodie was texting to tell me Maggie was awake and to give me a few instructions for getting her dressed and out of bed. Maggie had just had surgery so I needed some coaching as it wouldn’t be a routine morning. Another reason that putting Maggie ahead of the mulberry picking was important!

I can’t believe it, but I began picking again. I mean, I was almost done with this section. I wanted to finish. Then I could pick up where I left off later. But again, I was pressed to STOP, and this time I did.

As I walked home, I felt slightly irritated. When I was in Maggie’s bedroom it all changed. She and I have fun conversations and laugh when I am caring for her. We use our system of questions and answers to communicate. I like working with her. She is funny and so cheerful. As I was ‘talking’ with her and getting her dressed I was overcome with a sense of gratitude. I felt grateful that she was my granddaughter and that I could serve and love her, talk with her, and laugh with her. I felt in a real way, the value and importance of what I was doing. It eclipsed any satisfaction I would have felt had I completed that section of the mulberry tree.

Learning to STOP what we are doing in favor of something that is truly more important, usually having to do with our spouse or children, is a process. I worked on this for many years as I parented and I am still working on it as I grandparent. I am certainly better than I was in the beginning, but I have had to learn to give myself space and time to keep practicing. Changing one’s way of being, whatever that may look like for you, takes intention, effort, consistency, and time. I have had to learn to forgive myself when I must be reminded that something else matters more than my current project.

A change of heart, a new way of being, can take years to achieve and then it isn’t usually a done deal. We must be reminded occasionally of what we know and our new way of responding. Perfect rarely happens. Changing our way of being is not the same as ticking something off a list, like making your bed every morning. It is deeper and it matters more.

As you work on STOPPING when your child needs you, it will impact your relationships hugely. It can make all the difference as they move from childhood to adulthood. It can and will cement relationships, and your children will be able to trust you. They will come to you when they are in need because you will have sent a clear message that they matter and that you value them over all the projects you must do in a day.

I would rather not have confessed to this crazy mulberry experience with you. It would be cool if I could tell you that I always put people over projects. But helping you understand what change takes, how important allowing yourself to make mistakes is, accepting your imperfections, and keeping going compels me to be honest, and vulnerable. : )

We all have ways of being in our family and with others that need to be adjusted. We all do! So, take heart, decide how you want to be, and then go for it even if you are still working on it decades later. Reaching the end isn’t what matters. It is your children watching your journey that in the end will make all the difference.

It has made a difference for my children.

Want to Laugh More, Remain Calmer, and Be Happier?

If you had asked me twenty-five years ago if I had a sense of humor, I would have replied that fun and funny are not on top of my list. I don’t get jokes. I don’t see the humorous first. Getting stuff done is my thing. Being on time matters. Maintaining order is number one. I liked things and people to be a certain way. Because of this, I was easily frustrated or annoyed by situations and people, including my husband and kids.

However, a decade and a half ago, when I began speaking and teaching, I was in for a shock. I made people laugh. I am no comedian, but I said things in a way that was humorous to an audience. People assured me of this all the time. : ) I would never have guessed that there was another side to me.

The Beginning of Change

One day many years ago I was preparing to attend an event with my 11-year-old daughter, Kate. The dress was Sunday best. We were running late and being late was not an option for me! So, the stress was on to get there on time!

As we walked out to the car, I stepped off the curb into a pool of water up to my ankle. I was instantly mad!!! My foot was wet, my shoe was full of water and there wasn’t time to change. My thoughts were filled with anger and frustration. I turned those thoughts into angry, frustrated words.

As I drove down the road I complained about the water in the gutter and the inconsideration of some people who let their sprinklers run all over the place. I fussed about the foolishness of having the event at this time of day and not later, and on and on……. You can hear it, can’t you?

When we were about 6 blocks from home, for some reason I visualized myself stepping off the curb and into that gutter. I saw my shoe fill up with water and the shocked look on my face. It was such a funny picture that I began to laugh.

My poor daughter who had sat silently through the so recent tirade just stared. Then she began to laugh. When I got control of myself, I said, “That was so funny!” In her sweet voice, she replied, “Mom, I wish you had known it was funny when it happened.” That wise statement from my youngest daughter sent me on an adventure of change. I wanted to see the funny side of life more often. I wanted to be frustrated and annoyed less. I wanted to stop complaining when things weren’t as I thought they should be.

I decided all those years ago to get a grip on frustration and anger, but my resources and my knowledge were lacking, so for quite a while I made very slow progress. But I did make progress.

Twenty-One Years Later

Mary and Jack, both under five, were taking a bath. They were in the tub alone for less than 5 minutes while their dad took their clothes to the laundry. When he came back into the bathroom everything in the room which wasn’t nailed down was in the tub: scale, towels, dirty diapers, toothbrushes, soap, shampoo bottles, everything.

As Doug began fishing all the stuff out of the tub while trying to control his temper this is what he heard, “Hey dad you’re ruining my island.” How’s that for learning? How’s that for funny? I laughed and laughed. Even Doug had to laugh.

This Summer

In our garden, we have left a large patch of dirt. This is where Ben and his friends play. They are all 10 and 11. They dig huge holes and fill them with water. They make tons of mud. They bury stuff. They have a ball.

Recently the boys purloined a few eggs from the hen house and decided to put them into small holes in the ground and cover them. They wanted the covers to be light and not crush the eggs so that they could retrieve them later. Guess what they found to use?

Well, right next to this unplanted area are raised garden beds with my rhubarb and a huge pumpkin. The leaves were perfect. So, the boys picked a bunch and sniped off a few shoots. Hmmmm They turned some of the rhubarb into trees standing over the leaf-covered cavities holding the eggs. One side of the rhubarb was picked bare. Good thing it is a huge plant, as is the pumpkin. LOL

When I went out and saw their ‘work’ I did not get mad. I wasn’t frustrated. I didn’t laugh but I couldn’t help smiling at the craziness of kids. Later, Ben and I had a talk about playing but asking for Grandma’s help if leaves or other living items were needed.

This ability to remain calm and see more disasters as funny hasn’t been easy to master. I will truthfully tell you that it is a battle I still fight every day and that little 11-year-old, Kate, well she is 34. Ten years ago, I recommitted to this calmer, sillier, more fun side of myself. I had learned a great deal in the ensuing decade and a half. I was willing and able to do more to be happier; to control my responses; to manage my thoughts and stories better.

It takes work and practice to change your way of thinking and being. I still have my wet shoe days, but they are fewer than when I began this process of change all those years ago. I am not discouraged because I have taken so long to get where I am, which isn’t as far as I need to go. I am not discouraged, because I am so much better than when Kate was 11. I have made progress and I will continue to make progress.

What is required to make this type of inner change, a personality shift, if you will?

Deciding you will change
Knowing ‘how’ you want to be
Working on it consistently
Learning what you don’t yet understand
Not beating yourself up when you behave in the old way, just starting again
Staying the course until you get there, never becoming so discouraged that you give up

I know that if you can laugh rather than yell, feel frustrated, or cry when kids do stuff that bugs you, causes messes, or seems frankly, naughty, life will feel and look better. Learning to laugh will relieve more stress than taking a long vacation.

This work is worth the years and effort it takes because

Duality Matters in Parenting!

Here is how the conversation with my daughter Kate on pride vs. pridefulness ended. If you are out of the loop, refer to the Sept. 10th and Sept. 17th articles at https://www.maryannjohnsoncoach.com.

Duality in Life and Parenting

I told Kate, “I’m proud of myself that I figured this out as I became an adult. Thank you for telling me. I never would have thought of such a thing. I always felt like such a fearful person. That is what your siblings saw. But by the time I was forty, I had worked out a lot of garbage. So, this is like a confirmation that the work I did was valuable. It wasn’t easy. There were no classes, no internet, no place to go for help except to friends. I had to figure it out by being honest with myself, and by pondering and praying a lot. It took me years. I am amazed that I figured it out. That I healed and grew. Thank you. I love you.”

I was sorry that my older children had grown up with a frightened, fearful woman, who did not value herself. I told Kate that. She replied, “You know Mom, just because it took you time to learn and grow doesn’t negate the great mom you were and this important message you gave me.”

Then Kate mentioned the word duality. It was new to me. I know dual means two, but I hadn’t heard much about duality. Here she was telling me that in parenting it matters.

What is duality? Well, two things can be true at once even if they are contradictory. You could be fearful at 40 and still exhibit confidence that you didn’t even realize. This can be helpful in relationships with others and with us.

Some Examples

In my 40s’ I thought – I either have it all together or I don’t. I either show confidence in everything or nothing.” I felt this was true. But the truth was this – I had fears and insecurities in many areas of my life but great confidence in others.

Sharing the message of duality is important in parenting because it can help us keep our story about how we are doing on a more positive plane, and it goes a long way to assisting us in speaking kinder and more truthfully to ourselves.

Instead of, “I am such a terrible mom. I just can’t keep my cool.” we might say, “I struggle to keep my cool, but I am working on it, and I am great at nighttime talks. It will even out If I just keep working on it.”

Instead of, “I am so lame. I still have so much to work on,” we could tell ourselves “I have so much to work on, but my kids can depend on me being at their events. They can trust me.”

The Onion Principle

In 2022 I sought counseling for myself for the first time in my life. Not mentoring, I have done a ton of that but honest-to-goodness counseling. I am 73. I should have it all worked out right? But the reality is that we are like an onion. You work on a layer at a time. That is why duality exists. You took off a layer but there may be another layer to work on.

If there are two sides to a coin, metaphorically speaking, there’s a duality. Peace and war, love and hate, up and down, and black and white are dualities. Duality is experienced every day.

You will succeed in some ways and fail in others. You will have one thing worked out and be a hot mess somewhere else. It’s OK. You can be both. We shouldn’t focus only on where we are not yet strong. It is wise to acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses. As we do, we send a powerful message to our children that they can do the same. This will hold them in good stead as they become adults and work out their baggage. Good parenting isn’t about being perfect, knowing it all, and having all our junk cleaned up. It is instead, doing the best we can, growing and changing, and sending the message to our children that they also have strengths and weaknesses, and it’s OK. It is about allowing ourselves and them to feel pride in hard work and accomplishment even if there are things that are not yet in order.