Tag: how to care for self

Duality Matters in Parenting!

Here is how the conversation with my daughter Kate on pride vs. pridefulness ended. If you are out of the loop, refer to the Sept. 10th and Sept. 17th articles at https://www.maryannjohnsoncoach.com.

Duality in Life and Parenting

I told Kate, “I’m proud of myself that I figured this out as I became an adult. Thank you for telling me. I never would have thought of such a thing. I always felt like such a fearful person. That is what your siblings saw. But by the time I was forty, I had worked out a lot of garbage. So, this is like a confirmation that the work I did was valuable. It wasn’t easy. There were no classes, no internet, no place to go for help except to friends. I had to figure it out by being honest with myself, and by pondering and praying a lot. It took me years. I am amazed that I figured it out. That I healed and grew. Thank you. I love you.”

I was sorry that my older children had grown up with a frightened, fearful woman, who did not value herself. I told Kate that. She replied, “You know Mom, just because it took you time to learn and grow doesn’t negate the great mom you were and this important message you gave me.”

Then Kate mentioned the word duality. It was new to me. I know dual means two, but I hadn’t heard much about duality. Here she was telling me that in parenting it matters.

What is duality? Well, two things can be true at once even if they are contradictory. You could be fearful at 40 and still exhibit confidence that you didn’t even realize. This can be helpful in relationships with others and with us.

Some Examples

In my 40s’ I thought – I either have it all together or I don’t. I either show confidence in everything or nothing.” I felt this was true. But the truth was this – I had fears and insecurities in many areas of my life but great confidence in others.

Sharing the message of duality is important in parenting because it can help us keep our story about how we are doing on a more positive plane, and it goes a long way to assisting us in speaking kinder and more truthfully to ourselves.

Instead of, “I am such a terrible mom. I just can’t keep my cool.” we might say, “I struggle to keep my cool, but I am working on it, and I am great at nighttime talks. It will even out If I just keep working on it.”

Instead of, “I am so lame. I still have so much to work on,” we could tell ourselves “I have so much to work on, but my kids can depend on me being at their events. They can trust me.”

The Onion Principle

In 2022 I sought counseling for myself for the first time in my life. Not mentoring, I have done a ton of that but honest-to-goodness counseling. I am 73. I should have it all worked out right? But the reality is that we are like an onion. You work on a layer at a time. That is why duality exists. You took off a layer but there may be another layer to work on.

If there are two sides to a coin, metaphorically speaking, there’s a duality. Peace and war, love and hate, up and down, and black and white are dualities. Duality is experienced every day.

You will succeed in some ways and fail in others. You will have one thing worked out and be a hot mess somewhere else. It’s OK. You can be both. We shouldn’t focus only on where we are not yet strong. It is wise to acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses. As we do, we send a powerful message to our children that they can do the same. This will hold them in good stead as they become adults and work out their baggage. Good parenting isn’t about being perfect, knowing it all, and having all our junk cleaned up. It is instead, doing the best we can, growing and changing, and sending the message to our children that they also have strengths and weaknesses, and it’s OK. It is about allowing ourselves and them to feel pride in hard work and accomplishment even if there are things that are not yet in order.

So, as I have said many times – Be kind to yourself. Trust yourself. Hang in there and keep growing despite your missteps. It will be enough.

Taking Care of Ourselves and Managing Stress – Two Lists

Guess what runs in my family? Depression. For some, it is outright depression and for others, it is seasonal depressive disorder or SAD (seasonal affective disorder). It isn’t just in my family of origin but in my extended family. As a kid, I watched a lot of adults struggle and I have watched siblings, cousins, and some of my children struggle. The bleak days of winter bring an added challenge. In some places, winter lasts a long time!

Some take medication and some don’t. Regardless, because of this propensity, we all must work at managing stress and learn to care for ourselves.

In February 2022, I spent some time in Seattle at my youngest daughter’s home. One evening we were talking about depression and stress. The reason it came up is that Kate is learning to live a good life with depression. At the time, I was struggling with a hormone disorder and the stress of four years of caregiving had gotten me down.

We shared with each other what we individually do to relieve stress and take care of ourselves; how we treat ourselves with compassion so that we manage better. It was interesting that we had some things in common, but we also had different things on our lists.

This article isn’t about managing stress or overcoming depression. It’s to share some things that have worked for my daughter and me. Whether you have depression or not, if you are parenting then you have stress and some depressing days. It comes with the territory. I thought you might like to see what we do and if you feel so inclined, please respond in the comments below because other moms will be interested in what you can add to these lists.

SO HERE GOES

•The number one thing on my list was sleep. I learned the hard way, over a 30-year period, how vital this one thing is. You can read about my experience HERE.

•Second, I learned the value of taking deep breaths. Taking four deep breaths and then letting them go can help you remain in control when life is going South. This little trick can be done in a traffic jam, when your toddler spills a bag of rice, or when your husband isn’t helping. It does require practice and I am still practicing. : )

•Third, I make time to read. When I was a younger mom, I would stay up till one or two in the morning reading. Of course, you know from point one, that had to stop. I have learned to read in snatches. I keep a basket of books in the bathroom, and I read a few paragraphs each time I go in there. It has been amazing how much I get read in a year, just a few paragraphs at a time.

Because I have no little kids you probably think I would have lots of time to read. Not so. Not even in the bathroom. I live with two adults with bladder issues and four grands whose own bathroom is frequently occupied, and so like you, someone is always knocking on the door. LOL Hence, learning to read in snatches, a few paragraphs at a time.

•Fourth, I have learned to drink water. I have never had a strong sense of thirst and I can become so focused on what I am doing that I will go hours without drinking anything, even during the summer while working outside. I know, crazy. So, I have had to learn to drink water regularly. I know how much I need, and I keep track of what I take in. It makes a huge difference in my attitude and my health.

•Now we come to point five, eat well and regularly. It’s sort of like the water, especially when I had a house full of kids. I would get distracted and forget to eat. That would happen even now if I didn’t have a system for meals. The system is simple – I sit down at the table to eat every meal. It was hard to make myself do this in the beginning. I mean, you can get a lot done while eating a sandwich. LOL But I no longer allow myself to care so little for myself.

•Sixth, give and accept grace and forgiveness. I have learned to forgive myself for not being perfect. For making mistakes. For missing deadlines, appointments, etc. I have learned to give myself grace and to accept the grace of Christ. This one thing has been HUGELY powerful in my life and frankly, has made the most difference.

•Seventh, having an openness to seeing what I need and then responding. I have learned to listen to my body, my heart, and my mind. When I sense a problem in any of those areas, I take time to ponder and I pray to determine what I need to do.

For example, after a disastrous mix-up in my hormone prescription for over half of 2022, I arranged three counseling sessions. The counselor couldn’t reverse the months of suffering from the lack of the correct medication, but she did help me sort out how I felt about it and how I was going to move forward from it. I haven’t done personal counseling before and I never thought I would, but I listened to myself, had a talk with God, and it seemed like the right thing to do. It was!

•Number eight is self-care. I have two very simple self-care rituals. I shower each night. I light a candle and stand under the wonderfully hot water. I say a prayer for someone I know is in need. Then I dry off and lotion my body. I do this almost every night. It calms my soul, helps me think about others, and gives me a chance to breathe and be alone. Being alone is a very hard thing to get when you are parenting or caregiving; and frankly, we all need some alone time!

My Daughters List

•The number one thing on Kate’s list was therapy. She didn’t have the same issues I have had thinking about getting therapy and went for it without feeling broken. It has helped immensely. She needed some guidance as to how to move forward despite her depression and she got it. Don’t be afraid to get counseling, therapy, or mentoring if you are in over your head. It can make a huge difference.

•Number two on Kate’s list was journaling. I was surprised and hadn’t thought of that as self-care. I should have because all those decades ago, when our family was falling apart, I journaled almost every night and it kept me together. There is great value in writing down what is happening in your world and how you are feeling about it.

A little over ten years ago I learned and used another writing activity that was helpful – free writing. When you are angry, sad, depressed, or have wounded or less than feelings, free writing is powerful for healing and forgiving. You sit down alone and write whatever comes to mind. It doesn’t have to be nice, spelled correctly, or what a ‘good girl’ would say. You can let it all spill out. Then you burn it.

You don’t cover another person with your stuff, yet you get it out. Then you set it on fire, and it goes up in smoke. I can attest to how satisfying it feels to see all that ‘stuff’ go up in flames!

•Kate’s, third item was meditation. It hasn’t been on my stress relief list, but it should be. I learned to meditate a little over a decade ago and it is very soothing and helpful. I meditate myself to sleep. No music, just a simple mind practice that works almost 100% of the time. If you, like I did when I began, have negative feelings about meditation or are sure you couldn’t do it, then read the book Eight Minute Meditation by Victor Davich. It was a game-changer for me.

•Fourth on Kate’s list was alone time. I mentioned that I get that in my two self-care rituals. I have never had alone time on my list as its own thing because I don’t make it happen. Kate does. She determines what she needs and then she talks with her husband, and they make it happen together.

This last summer she went on a hiking trip by herself for a week. She camped by a lake and rested her heart, her mind, and her body. I was amazed as that is something I would never have done but she came home a renewed woman.

I have made an effort in the last few years. I have gone to a BnB for three days a couple of times. However, I always break down and call Don and invite him over. The truth is that I allow myself to feel guilty for being by myself. In fact, Don and I were talking about this very thing this week.

I said that a wonderful gift for my birthday, which is coming up, would be to go to a BnB for a few days. I have some writing I would like to do and having no interruptions would be a blessing. At the end of the conversation Don said, “Hmmm, I didn’t hear ‘we’ in there. LOL

Alone time is a great item to have on your stress relief list but keep in mind that you have to make it happen. That is why it isn’t on my list. I have some old habits, that at 73 I am not interested in tackling. We need to be honest about where we are so that we don’t feel like failures or riddled with guilt by putting something on our list that we are not ready to do.

This type of alone time isn’t something I can easily do, so I have different items on my list that work and that I can manage. I do get alone time every day in my shower. : )

•I LOVED the fifth thing on Kate’s list – communication, being willing to ask for help from others. It is a bit like my number seven, listening to your body, heart, and mind. I am very skilled in listening to my body but sometimes you need more.

I am not as practiced in communicating and I freely admit it. Asking for help isn’t something I have done for most of my life and now I have a habit of not asking for help. That is why getting counseling was such a BIG deal.

Lately, I have asked Don for help with things around the house and in caring for my mom. Even more important, I have been willing to accept help when he or my mom offers it. It is a habit to say, “No, I’m good. I can handle it.” Here again, honesty about where we allow ourselves to get stuck is important.

Kate asks for help. She doesn’t consider it a weakness. It is a strength to be able to ask for and accept help from others. I love this item on her list and have decided to add it to my list and work on it more in my own life.

•Her final item, like mine, was self-care. I was impressed by something she said to me. “We have basic needs and then there are the things that ground and rejuvenate us. A lot of women get those mixed up.” She talked about a shower as being a basic need, so by itself, it doesn’t fill the role of self-care. Then she said, “However, mom, when you add a candle and an intentional prayer like you do, then it moves from a basic need to self-care.” She also mentioned shopping alone as a basic need that is often touted as self-care because the mom is alone.

However, as Kate said, if an activity doesn’t ground and rejuvenate you then it isn’t really self-care. If we add sipping your favorite drink and listening to your favorite music to and from the store, well, shopping moves from a basic need to self-care. : )

When considering if she is actually caring for herself, Kate asks this question after an activity – “Do I feel rejuvenated? Did the activity remind me of who I am?”

So, what are some of Kate’s self-care items? You are going to love this list.
–she reads self-help books
–she likes to sit and doodle with a pen and pencil
–she always gets into a perfectly made bed

Let’s dig deeper into the made-bed thing. Kate doesn’t make her bed when she gets up. It doesn’t work for her or her schedule. But when it’s time for bed, she makes it and makes sure it is beautifully done. Then she lights a candle, washes her face, and sits in her beautifully made bed for 10 or 15 minutes before laying down to sleep. She might read one of those self-help books. : ) As she said to me, “Kate is a wife and a mom, but Kate, is also a separate person and I need to do what fills me and grounds me.”

Can you see how Kate moved going to bed from a basic need to self-care? Can you see how I do that with my shower? With a little thought, we can care for ourselves and relieve stress right at home, in very simple ways. We can’t often get away for three days or a week alone by a lake. However, we can find a few things that can be done right where we are and that we can structure so they fill us and ground us.

Hopefully, our lists have been instructional for you, and if you don’t have a clear idea of how to manage the stress and down days in your life, you will work on a list of your own.

When there are a few things you can bring to mind, to do in the moment, it can make all the difference in how you manage your days.

“Mom, You Matter Too!”

When I was sixty-three Don and I lived in a two-bedroom apartment. Jodie and her family came to live with us while they waited for their home to sell and another one to come into their lives. I had forgotten this event until I was reminded while reading an old article I had written. It was hysterical and not a much different story than what my life looks like now, full-time.

Here is a snippet:

“Tonight, I cooked dinner with a baby riding on my hip and a three-year-old helping me brown onions and hamburger on the stove for “jelly” sauce (spaghetti sauce). It was a bit cumbersome trying to keep a three-year-old out of harm’s way while allowing her to help and an almost one-year-old grabbing for everything he could reach.

I did this while trying not to step on anything that would send me crashing to the floor, seeing that the baby on my hip had emptied the utensil drawer, which is why I had him on my hip. I could hear the four year old making lots of noise from the living room. He was running his trucks through the maze he had made in a random pattern on practically every square inch of the living room floor. All’s well here, back to the “jelly” sauce.

Meanwhile, the six-year-old was yelling for help with her iPad. Maggie has cerebral palsy and has a way of letting us all know when her iPad is not cooperating with her limited hand movement. Right now, she was letting me know…loudly.

“Jelly” sauce simmering, noodles boiling, and three-year-old slopping melted garlic butter on a tower of French bread while I helped Maggie with her iPad. I heard Mary say, oops, never a good sign. Seems as if some of the garlic butter has found its way down her chest and onto the fabric-covered chairs. No problem, just mixing with the strawberry ice cream drops from the night before.

Then I smelled scorched bread. Our garlic toast is going to be a bit crisper and darker than I had planned. I holler to the almost-four-year-old, “Jack go tell Grandpa that grandma needs him…NOW!”

I know you are laughing – not at me but with me. You have probably had your share of days just like this one! Back then we had Jodie and her family for a few months but since then our families have combined permanently. We are a four-generation home and trust me, even though the kids are older, we have many days just like the one I described above.

Parenting is no joke. It’s a lot of work, time, and effort, and requires that we learn and practice new skills. I have experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly of parenting and I survived. Better than that our children survived all that we didn’t know how to do and all the mistakes we made. I’m sure you sometimes wonder if you will survive and if your kids will.

A text of great worth!

I received a text from a dear friend. We have mentored together on and off for several years. Every now and then I reach out to see how she is. Often, she will send me a random text letting me know how it’s going. When times get rough, well, we work together again.

As I was saying, I got a text from her that I knew you would all LOVE because it is so how parenting is. I asked her if I could share.

My friend and I had been talking a few months before about taking care of ourselves in ways that are actually manageable when you have kids. She has three boys, five, two, and, a baby.

She sent a photo of her cluttered counter. A candle was burning in the center of the mess. These were her words – ‘I thought you might appreciate this picture. I am home-bound today with a sick child and no car. I got very little sleep But I am still taking care of me. The candle is lit, despite all the clutter. Lol This is life.”

This is life for moms and dads. But Bethany is in the process of finding ways to nourish herself when there isn’t a way to leave ‘parenting’ behind for a lunch date, a nap, or even a walk.

Self -Care is a skill you can learn

This is a vital skill to learn and practice and it is a skill. Anyone can take care of themselves better. I know because I have had to do this. It hasn’t gotten any easier at seventy-two. I have to keep practicing but I am far better at it than when I was thirty! Yesterday when I sat down to write this article my twelve-year-old granddaughter decided to sew something for her hamsters. Over the next hour and a half, she came into my office at least five times needing help. This is what living with children is like. So how do you manage life with children and take care of yourself?

You’re going to spend far more time with your children than you’re going to spend without them, so it’s imperative to learn how to self-care while you’re in the thick of parenting. It’s simple, it’s doable, and it takes small amounts of time and virtually no money; but it can and will pay huge dividends. Self-care can be as simple and plain as having a cup of herbal tea while you read to your children. It might be taking a few deep breaths while soothing a screaming child. You could turn on your favorite music and dance in the living room with your kids. Add laughter!

Self-care can be taking a walk with your children, and pushing a stroller, to take the edge off the day. Sitting in the swing and watching your children play can give you fresh air and a breather from all you feel pressed to do. Go to the bathroom more often if that’s what will buy you a few moments alone. When you’re on the edge of losing your temper, getting irritable, or feeling resentful, ask yourself what you need to stay in control. Pay attention to yourself.

Do something that feels nurturing to you. Give yourself space to get it together. When you pay attention to how you’re feeling, to what’s happening in your body, that’s self-care. This can be done while you’re in the thick of parenting. On this day, for Bethany, it was lighting a candle just to say,

“I matter too!”

Self Care – A Bathroom or Not? The Debate Rages On

I have a friend who was also my daughter’s friend in high school. We have known each other for a long time! We talk about stuff – family, running our homes better, being kind, writing, you know, stuff.

Bethany said that she couldn’t understand how you wouldn’t have time for yourself when she was a teen. She couldn’t see the problem. I mean, she had lots of time to do what she wanted to do – take a bath, sit in the sun, read, etc. Even with school and a job, there was time.

Now she has two small children, and she gets it. It makes me laugh because I always say, “You can’t know till you get there!”

One of the tricks I learned decades ago was to turn the bathroom into a refuge. I wasn’t going to get a day or even an hour, but I could read a paragraph or two. Bethany told me that when she read that in my book, she laughed because as a teen, she thought having books and magazines in the bathroom and reading in there was gross! Guess what? The last time we talked, Bethany said that reading in the bathroom is like a resort. You can’t know till you get there. LOL

Another thing I do and have done since I was 15 is lotion my feet every night. It felt good back then, in a home with eight other kids, to sit on my bed, in the quiet darkness and lotion my feet. I suggested it to Bethany, and she reported that it is lovely. She likes how nurturing it feels, and she likes the few moments of quiet aloneness.

A lot has been written about self-care. Recently I saw a headline – Self Care is More than Reading in the Bathroom. I laughed. Reading in the bathroom has been part of my self-care for fifty years. It works. I hope you get away occasionally. I hope you go out to lunch with friends. I hope you take a day off now and then. But I also hope you learn to care for yourself right where you are – in the middle of your busy family.

Four Reasons to care for yourself in the thick of things

There are some stellar reasons to find ways to care for yourself right where you stand, amid family:
• You can remain calmer for more extended periods.
• It facilitates patience and helps us not take our frustration out on our kids.
• It allows us to stay free of resentment, exhaustion or feeling depleted.
• It keeps us healthier.
Self-care benefits not only us but also our whole family. It’s an investment in our family relationships rather than a selfish indulgence.

Here are four ways to care for yourself during your busy, child-filled days and nights. They aren’t new. You have probably heard them said many times. But they work. As you implement them, you will feel better and less stressed. I consider them the best kind of ongoing self-care:

1—TALK NICELY TO YOURSELF
You need to be your own best friend, no matter how you’re doing presently. Best friends speak kindly to each other, are honest, and support one another, even if one of them is floundering. It’s self-care when you treat yourself like your own best friend.

2—SLEEP
Sleep is one of my favorite subjects. I’ve had tons of experience with this one thing! Periodically, over 30 years, I would go in prayer and ask how I could better handle my life. I would always have the same thought, “Go to bed earlier and get up earlier.” And just as regularly, I would dismiss the whole idea. I didn’t want to follow that counsel. I wanted my house in order, and I wanted alone time. I was convinced the only way to get either one was to stay up late. So, I resisted. Years passed, and I got desperate. I asked a final time, but the impression was the same. “Go to bed earlier and get up earlier.” But this time, I didn’t resist.

Going to bed earlier and getting up earlier is doable! It’s possible even if your kids get up at 5:30. You get up when they do and it is early! You probably won’t have a quiet morning routine alone. These are the hard facts. What will make this trade-off worthwhile is how you’ll feel during the day. You may not get much more alone time, but you’ll find it easier to be with your kids. You’ll find yourself feeling happy more often. You will have more energy and lose your temper less. You’ll like yourself and your children better.

I recommend you begin going to bed at least 30 minutes earlier than you do now, an hour if you can commit to it. Don’t get on the computer or phone after 10 pm. Staying tech-free an hour before bed will absolutely help you get to bed earlier! Some days it just won’t work out but do it as often as you can. Going to bed earlier will change your days! It won’t be easy to make this shift, but if you remember that simple things, consistently done over time, make significant differences, you’ll be able to persevere as long as it takes to make this your new habit.

3—EAT WELL
Can I say, stop eating over the sink! Stop calling the crusts of your children’s sandwiches lunch. Stop. Make a better choice. Fix your food and sit down with your kids and eat. Have a mini conversation. Laugh a bit. Savor that sandwich. It takes five minutes! Value yourself enough to sit down with a plate and eat even if it is with kids and only for five minutes.

If you work away from home, take a lunch. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but if I can learn it, you can learn it. It’s a decision, and I’ve made it, to care for myself by eating well.

Don’t eat at your computer, either at home or at the office. I know you’re busy, but if you want to feel cared for, leave your desk. Turn on music as you eat. Sit outside if the day is warm. Even the break room and a coworker trump your desk.

Eating well should be at the top of your self-care list. It’s something you can do while in the thick of parenting. Taking time to eat is one way you maintain the energy to do the job you’ve taken on—the job of raising a family.
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4—EXERCISE
Oh man, I don’t like to exercise. I can’t think of any exercise I like except swimming. But that requires a drive in the car and wet hair. Ick! Frankly, I also believed I didn’t have the time. But as I’ve said, when we take full responsibility for our lives, we stop using the time excuse.

I know half a dozen women who walk their kids to school daily. They’re in a big group talking, laughing, and making it work. I can think of another three women who get up early and walk together. They’ve made deals with their husbands to get kids fed so they can have this half-hour before they need to send them out the door to school. They walk five days a week. I recall one mom who did her exercising in front of the TV with a child on her back. You do whatever it takes. : )

None of this is easy. You just need to decide to do it. It’s a choice that, when made, feels nurturing. Talk to your spouse. What can you do? How can you make it work? Now do it.

Daily Self-Care

You’re going to spend far more time with your children than you’re going to spend without them, so it’s imperative to learn how to self-care while you’re in the thick of parenting. It’s simple, it’s doable, and it takes small amounts of time and virtually no money; but it can and will pay huge dividends.

Self-care can be as plain and straightforward as having a cup of herbal tea while you read to your children. It might be taking a few deep breaths while soothing a screaming child. You could turn on your favorite music and dance in the living room with your kids. Add laughter!

Self-care can be taking a walk with your children to take the edge off the day. Sitting in the swing and watching your children play can give you fresh air and a breather from all that you’re feeling pressed to do. Go to the bathroom more often if that’s what will buy you a few moments alone. When you’re on the edge of losing your temper, getting irritable, or feeling resentful, ask yourself what you need to stay in control. Pay attention to yourself.

One of my oldest friends had licorice drops hidden in a drawer. When she needed a break, she would sneak to her room, grab a licorice drop, and then head back into the fray with a smile on her face. Hey, you do whatever it takes. : )

Do something that will feel nurturing to you. Give yourself space to get it together. When you pay attention to how you’re feeling, to what’s happening in your body, that’s self-care. You can do this while you’re in the thick of parenting.

When you care for yourself, you care for your family. Share the truth with someone you care about.

Four S’s for a More Successful Year

I gave up New Year’s Resolutions many years ago. I always felt set up for failure. I have found it more useful to periodically evaluate how I am managing my life, how I am feeling about it, and what simple adjustments I could make so that I fare better. I emphasize the word simple. I also keep the list short! I want success and not overwhelm.

The first half of 2020 was challenging for me. In March, I found myself feeling like crying every day. I do not cry! I was so exhausted that it was worrisome. This all compromised my ability to remember things. Nothing outwardly changed. I looked and behaved the same, but it was taking all I had to keep living in my usual way.

Consequently, I began the process of evaluation earlier in the year than usual. What was off? What was making the difference? How was my sleep, my eating, my exercise, my relationships? I was searching for an answer to how I was feeling. In June, I had a thought that led me to a resolution. I remembered a medical condition I had dealt with over a decade and a half earlier. I went to my practitioner, got what I needed, and I was back on track. It was such a relief.

But all that thinking during the spring, all that introspection, reminded me of some behaviors that can significantly impact how we parent, how we manage relationships, how we manage ourselves, and how we feel. I thought as we enter this new year, particularly a year that will still contain Covid, lack of family, more in-home responsibility for parenting and education for some families, that you might benefit from seeing my short and simple ‘go-to’ list when I find my life a bit off-kilter. : )

Four S’s for Success

Sleep – I’ve had tons of experience with this one thing! I was a night owl. I would be up until eleven or twelve getting kids managed and into bed and putting the house back together. Afterward, I read until somewhere between 11 p.m. and 2 a.m. In the morning, I would drag myself out of bed at six or seven, depending on when my kids got up. How do you think that worked out? I’ll bet some of you know. It was a disaster. It’s virtually impossible to parent well when you can barely see for lack of sleep.

Periodically, for over 30 years, I would go in prayer and ask how I could better handle my life. I would always have the same thought, “Go to bed earlier and get up earlier.” I would dismiss the whole idea. I didn’t want to follow that counsel. I wanted my house in order, and I wanted alone time. I was convinced the only way to get either one was to stay up late. So, I resisted. After years, I got desperate. I asked a final time. The impression was the same. “Go to bed earlier and get up earlier.” But this time, I didn’t resist.

I made the decision I would go to bed earlier and get up earlier. Can I say it was hard?! It didn’t get easier after the first month, or the sixth, or even the ninth. I’ll be honest; I struggled for a full year to keep my commitment before it finally began to feel good. But I’d made a decision. I was choosing something different. It was about taking care of self.

I’ve been living this new way for a few years now, and it’s been amazing. I enjoy going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. I can’t even believe it myself! My thinking is clearer. I get to do things that make my day more productive—prayer, personal study, meditation. My whole day runs better. I remain calm more often. I have more patience, and I feel less stress.

If sleep is an issue for you and you decide to take the route I did, it may not be easy, but if you remember that simple things, consistently done over time, make significant differences, you’ll be able to persevere as long as it takes to make this your new habit.

Simplify – The word simplify means to make simpler or easier to do or understand. To simplify is a principle wise men and women have espoused throughout the ages, and with good reason. When we simplify our lives, we manage them better. We can spend more time, both mental and physical, where it matters and less on activities that are not going to matter in the long run. We open time to think. We stop spending so much time putting out fires. When we simplify our lives, we can tune into our children, our spouse, our God.

One of my past mentors said something very profound to me. It’s changed the way I make decisions about spending my time and my family’s time. She said, “Every yes is a no to something else!” Let’s make sure that what we’re saying yes to will, in the long run, bring us true happiness and stable family relationships.

How much time do you allot for technology? How often do you shop? How many hours are you spending in the car, and are you going places that matter? How much time is required to keep your closets and drawers in order? What are your commitments? What are your kid’s commitments? How often do thoughts about past hurts surface? How frequently do you feel resentment?

When you clear out stuff, heal your heart, and empty your calendar, you’ll be less overwhelmed and have more energy. You’ll be able to give more to your family. This investment in simplifying will free you up, and your life and family will be happier. When we simplify, we free up time and energy.

Self-care – Self-care is crucial for parents because it helps them maintain calm for more extended periods. Self-care facilitates patience and staves off, taking our frustrations out on our children. Self-care helps us remain free of resentment, exhaustion, or feeling depleted. It keeps us healthier. Self-care allows us to tune into the joy and satisfaction of having children, even during overly busy or chaotic days.

Self-care benefits not only us but also our whole family. It’s an investment in our family relationships, rather than a selfish indulgence. Self-care is a choice.

You’re going to spend far more time with your children than you’re going to spend without them, so it’s imperative to learn how to self-care while you’re in the thick of parenting. It’s simple, it’s doable, and it takes small amounts of time and virtually no money; but it can and will pay huge dividends.
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Self-care can be as simple as having a cup of herbal tea while you read to your children. It might be taking a few deep breaths while soothing a screaming child. You could turn on your favorite music and dance in the living room with your kids. Add laughter! Self-care can be taking a walk with your children to take the edge off the day. Sitting in the swing and watching your children play can give you fresh air and a breather from all that you’re feeling pressed to do. Go to the bathroom more often if that’s what will buy you a few moments alone.

Being kind to yourself will make life feel lighter, and your relationships will improve. You’ll feel happier overall. Your self-esteem will go up. You’ll be a better parent. In short, when you care for yourself, you care for your family.

Season – Let me show you two Christmas trees. In 2019 I had two grandchildren born, one in July and one on Dec. 30. This Christmas, both sets of parents pondered what to do about their Christmas trees. They have older children. They like their homes to look festive. In the end, they adjusted for the season they are in. One kept all the ornaments on the top half of the tree. The other had a very small tree on a tabletop. It isn’t what they love or do every year, but it is what they did this year. Your season matters and when you honor the season you find yourself in, things feel more peaceful. They could have spent the whole season spanking baby hands or grieving over broken family mementos. But they choose to respect the season their family was in.

When you have a new baby, managing your life is entirely different from when you have a couple of teens. When we simplify how we decorate our home, what is on our to-do list and calendar according to the season we find ourselves in, we will be happier and less overwhelmed. We will feel more peace and manage everything better.

This year why not take a careful and honest look at how you are handling the four S’s in your life. With a few simple adjustments, you may have a more peaceful and successful year.

We could all use this reminder. Why not share with another parent?

This Is the Most Fun Thing I Have Ever Done!

Some years ago, we had a dirt pile in the corner of our yard. Then my daughter decided to create something beautiful in that space.

She measured and cut the wood and figured out how to hold it all together. She built a fence to keep the dogs out. She planted herbs, tomatoes, peas, a watermelon, and a pumpkin. She built trellises for them. As a final touch, she added a metal baby robin, a fairy statue, and a brick walkway. It was beautiful!

My daughter said, “It took me two weeks to do a one-day project”. That was because she had three small children, one with cerebral palsy. The fact that she couldn’t focus and get the job done more quickly was a bit frustrating. Yet, despite the frustration, she said, “While I was building the garden, it was exhilarating. It was so exciting and rejuvenating.” Building that garden gave my daughter a wonderful sense of “This is the most fun thing I have ever done!”

My daughter was startled by the absolute joy she experienced as she figured it out and then built the garden. She thought a lot about that and remembered that she had felt this overwhelming joy before when she was four.

On our porch, she found two pieces of wood. She decided to make a plane. She asked for her snow pants because every builder needs overalls. She wanted a hammer and nails. Then she proceeded to make a plane. It didn’t look like a plane, just two sticks nailed into a T which she painted. She thought it was grand!

My daughter loves to build things. She also knows that she doesn’t build often enough. She works on ways to add that element into her life. When she makes time to build, no matter how stressful life is, she manages better.

Satisfaction and Joy Make Us Better People

There’s value in determining what brings us a sense of satisfaction and joy. As we create opportunities where we experience these feelings, we’re better mothers, fathers, grandparents, neighbors, friends, and people. These feelings enhance our ability to problem-solve instead of blowing up or becoming depressed. They ease the stress of modern life. They increase our patience and our ability to reach out to others, to forgive and to love.

The key is knowing what brings us these feelings and then finding ways to include them in our lives more often. We must make space for them. This isn’t always easy, but it is doable!

Do the work of figuring out simple things that feel exhilarating, satisfying and joyful to you. As you implement more of these activities into your life you fill your bucket. This enables you to give more to your family, friends, and community. Above all, it increases the quality of your life.

Let me leave you with an example from my own life. I love organizing things. Yup, work. I know it wouldn’t feel joyful and satisfying to everyone, but it is to me. So, I make plans on a regular basis to order something in my life, a drawer, a closet, a shelf in the garage, under my bed, etc. I organize something at least once or twice a month. I’m busy so I must plan it. I must get the support of my family to make space for it. But it’s worth it because it feels exhilarating, satisfying and brings me joy.

Someone once said that life is not a dress rehearsal. This is the real deal, so find ways to live a life of satisfaction, fulfillment, and joy no matter how busy life gets. Determine what generates these feelings for you and then find ways to incorporate them into your life.

Feel moved? Please comment. Then share. : )

You NEED a Short R&R List!

My sister is a very over-worked school teacher! The other day she was lamenting how hard it was to find time to relax and rest. She is at school from 7:30 until four thirty and sometimes later. Then there are papers to grade and she still has a family to feed and a home to run. A few weeks ago she asked me how I find time for R&R. I may not be an overworked school teacher but I have a job, I write, run an online business, do personal mentoring, manage a household and live with grandchildren. I understand and live the difficulty she was asking me to address.

So I gave her my short R&R list: I take a shower every evening just before I go to bed and put lotion on my feet. I told you the list was short.

I’m on the far right, back row and 16 years old.

I began this little ritual when I was sixteen years old. I worked at my dad’s drive-in restaurant after school and on Saturdays, went to public school every weekday, had loads of homework, and was very busy in my church. Oh yes, did I mention I was the oldest of nine children at the time and trust me that comes with a large share of work and responsibility. Some days it was almost impossible to find time to rest and relax…if you could even find a private or quiet space in our home to rest and relax in.

So I began taking a bath and putting lotion on my feet each evening after the littler kids were in bed. It was wonderful and my parents, sensing my need, didn’t give me grief about water (a precious commodity in an 11 person household) or for tying up the bathroom.

Once I began I never stopped. It doesn’t matter how tired I am, how much is still left to do or how late it is. I always give myself this one thing even if I can’t give myself anything else.

I’m sharing this because my sister was surprised that I put taking a shower on my R&R list. I mean it’s a very plain, everyday, ordinary thing that most people do. Right? Here is the difference. I do it for the express purpose of caring for myself and so it doesn’t feel ordinary or everyday to me. It feels loving.

And therein lies part of the problem when we work to carve out some rest, relaxation or alone time for ourselves in a family. Many people look for something out of the ordinary – going to a movie, a few days away, a date, etc. They look for something that gets them away from home and responsibility, kids and noise.

But as I have said before, if we think of taking care of ourselves as being child-free, away from home, in quiet, then most of us are going to get precious little of it.

How can we care for ourselves right where we are, in the thick of parenting? We need to get creative and we need to manage our story about what is required to care for self.

One of my good friends had a unique solution. She had a treat box, up high, which no one knew about. When she needed a break or the feeling of being cared for she would go to her room, take down the box and have a handful of licorice bits, one of her favorite treats. It took only a few moments. She smiled when she told me about it. It gave her real pleasure to have this little secret, this small piece of R&R.

Here are a few other things that I do to care for myself:

1. I read in the bathroom. I don’t know about you but I know I am going to be in that room at least three times a day. And right next to the toilet is a large basket of books and magazines. I may only get to read one or two paragraphs before someone knocks on the door but I love those few moments of reading. It feels restful, rejuvenating and makes me smile.

2. I sit down and shell peanuts. It gives me a reason to stop what I am doing and sit for a few moments as well as have a treat. Most of the time, I have grandkids shelling right along with me. You might think that that would negate the feeling of self-care but it doesn’t because I know I am deliberately allowing myself to sit and rest and have a treat. It feels like self-care because I have decided it is – kids or no kids.

3. I also crochet. It’s calming to me. I can do it without thinking. Noisy kids and chaos don’t matter. It’s relaxing in the midst of family. When I engage in this activity, I know I am caring for myself because I am sitting down and doing something that I enjoy. I don’t usually get more than 10-15 minutes but it’s enough. Quiet and aloneness aren’t required.

Here is what I hope you are beginning to understand:

Being alone and in quiet are not always required to feel that you are caring for yourself
Self-care can be ordinary, nothing special
Self-care doesn’t have to cost anything and can happen right where you are, in the midst of family
The story we tell ourselves goes a long way to making an activity feel like self-care

I hope you get away now and then. But even more, I hope you will begin practicing self-care right where you are. Write down your own short list. Then be consistent in doing the few things you have written down. It doesn’t have to be every day, like a shower/ bath but they all need to be things that you can do at the drop of a hat, even with your family all around you.

As you practice you will find it easier to be patient, you will feel less resentment and you will have happier days.

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

??? What do you do when you want to care for yourself and you have huge responsibilities, loads of work or very little time? What do you do when you want to care for yourself and you have a house full of children? I would love to know and so would my readers. We could all use suggestions. Please leave a comment and share what has worked for you.

P.S. You can learn more about seven ways to get better self-care in my new book Becoming a Present Parent, Connecting With Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. Knowing the difference will help you let it be enough. You can also receive a chapter from the book on Touchpoints, creating points of connection rather than having points of contention, FREE by visiting becomingapresentparent.com It can be life-changing for your family. I promise!

Self-Care in the Thick of Things

Self-care is crucial for parents because it helps them maintain calm for longer periods of time. Self-care facilitates patience and staves off taking our frustrations out on our children. Self-care helps us remain freer of resentment, exhaustion, or feeling depleted. It keeps us healthier. Self-care helps us tune into the joy and satisfaction of having children, even during overly busy or chaotic days. Self-care benefits not only us but also our whole family. It’s an investment in our family relationships, rather than a selfish indulgence.

Here are some tips to help you begin thinking about how you can do more self-care right where you are – in the thick of parenting.

1. Make it simple and doable – Self-care can be as simple and plain as having a cup of herb tea while you read to your children. It might be taking some deep breaths while soothing a screaming child. You could turn on your favorite music and dance in the living room with your kids. Add laughter!

2. Pay attention to yourself – When you feel like you are on the edge of losing your temper, getting irritable or feeling resentful ask yourself what you need to stay in control. I can still vividly recall what that moment felt like when I was going to stop being the adult. It was almost always when I had pushed myself for too long or was too tired. What I needed was to just STOP. In those younger years, I didn’t stop and the result was inevitable. If you find yourself in that place, STOP. Stop working. Sit down. Hug a child. Breathe deeply. Get a drink of water. Walk out to the yard. Do something that will feel nurturing to you.

3. Take care of your physical self – Get more sleep. Go to bed a bit earlier even if it means you don’t get that alone time you try to snatch after midnight! Don’t get on the computer after 10 pm. Really, this will absolutely help you get to bed earlier! Eat better. Don’t let lunch be the crusts off of your kid’s sandwiches. Don’t eat over the sink. Sit down for goodness sake and eat. It only takes five minutes! Exercise. Learn the difference between mom walks and kid walks and take a healthy measure of both weekly. Think and talk nicely to and about yourself. You would rarely speak to others, even those who are messing up, the way you talk to yourself. Pay attention to what you say and how you say it to yourself and then take the time to re-frame what you say into something more positive, supportive, and true.

4. Smell the roses – Stop rushing through the day in order to get your “list” taken care of. Join in your children’s laughter. Smell their hair and skin. Get good at random touches and mini-conversations. Sit on the lawn and listens to your children’s chatter. Take a moment off, even if it is only 5 minutes. It will be enough!

Taking care of yourself does not make you selfish. It shows that you care about yourself and your family relationships. Being kind to yourself in everyday life is one of the best things you can do. Life will become lighter and your relationships will most likely improve. You will feel happier overall. Your self-esteem will go up. You will be a better parent.

AN EMPTY LANTERN PROVIDES NO LIGHT. SELF-CARE IS THE FUEL THAT ALLOWS YOUR LIGHT TO SHINE BRIGHTLY. PIPER LARSEN

How do you care for yourself in the midst of a busy and chaotic day at home? Please share.

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

GREAT NEWS!!!!!! Just in time for the holiday season. On November 21 I am giving away 5 copies of Becoming A Present Parent via a Goodreads Giveaway. So on November 21 hop on over and enter. You may just be a winner. : )

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Becoming a Present Parent

by Mary Ann Johnson

Giveaway ends December 21, 2017.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

What is Present Parenting?

P.S. You can learn more about the difference between the 1% principle and the 100% devil in my new book Becoming a Present Parent, Connecting With Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. Knowing the difference will help you let it be enough. You can also receive a chapter from the book on Touchpoints, creating points of connection rather than having points of contention, FREE by visiting becomingapresentparent.com It can be life-changing for your family. I promise!

If you like this post, please share it with your community.

Will It Ever Be Enough!

Recently I was reading in my journal about changes I have made in the last ten years of my life. Some were small and some large. All were helpful in adding to the quality of my life. One, in particular, stood out to me. It stood out because it’s what I hear from so many mothers and fathers that I mentor – it is never enough and because of that, I am not free to care for myself without feeling guilty.

Back in 2010, I was working with a mentor to get to the place where I could let ‘it be enough’. Here is an email I sent to her way back then. “I did my morning routine, read for an hour and went to work until noon. Came home and put dinner in the oven, then ate lunch and rested an hour while I read 5 chapters and took notes on the book I am currently studying. I called my business mentor and have a phone meeting set for tomorrow. I wrote 3 blogs and ate dinner with Don. I took a nap for 45 minutes. I got all the A items on my daily list done but one. I didn’t get any B’s or C’s on the list done. I know I rested too much today. I always feel like I should do more. Sigh. But sometimes I WANT a nap.”

Does that conversation ring a bell with any of you? I’ll bet it does. Can you believe that I could think of myself as lazy or falling short in some way with a day like I just described? It‘s a crazy thing!!

It’s Easy To Never Let It Be Enough

I’ve always worked a lot and I get a great many things done; I serve others, help my family, am a grandmother and mom, run a business; spend time with God, and study. What I wasn’t able to do back then was allow myself to incorporate the things that fill me up or care for myself without feeling a twinge of guilt.

It’s easy to fail to recognize that doing things for ourselves is just another part of having a life of fulfillment; the life that we constantly think we’re going to have soon or someday when we get everything else taken care of. That life is never going to happen if we can’t make it part of today because there will always be work to be done, children to care for, spouses to help, church assignments, things at work, a neighbor to comfort and the list goes on.

Whenever I say that I just don’t have time for a bath or to sit at the table and eat lunch or share a sunset on the balcony with my husband or children or stop and eat an ice cream bar or sit down and rest for 10 minutes, what I am actually doing is listening to the voice inside that tells me that I am not worthy of it or I haven’t done enough to deserve it… you add your line because we all have one.

Make Space For Work, Rest and Joy

It’s important to begin thinking about life as a whole and not in compartments. I can have hot cocoa in front of the fire even if everything else isn’t done because it’s part of a good day, just like finishing an article or serving my neighbor or cleaning the bathroom or soothing a screaming toddler are part of a good and successful day. The things that bring us joy shouldn’t be saved for when we have done enough other things but should be part of every day. Since 2010 I have made a firmer commitment to that very thing.

Why not liberate yourself. Stop being victim to “it’s just not enough”. Whatever you do is enough whether

you accomplish everything on your to-do list or whether your whole day consisted of nothing more than soothing a sick child. Knowing that we and our day are enough lets us allow every day to contain some work, some rest, and a good measure of joy!

I do seven simple things that help me care for myself no matter how busy or frustrating the day. Over the next few weeks, we are going to talk about all of them. Stay tuned.

What makes it tough for you to give self-care? What ways have you found to let your days be enough? Please comment. I would love to hear your experiences.

If you are interested in parenting with a deeper intent why not check out the Home and Family Culture Podcast. I will be sharing information on intentional parenting and you can download a PDF to walk you through the process.

Here’s to more joy,
Mary Ann

What is Present Parenting?